Venting Fucking frustrated

[BlackLowLtn]

I am tired, it's all a blur at this point. Breaking down, rebuilding, breaking down, repeating; I desperately want to take my mind off it at this point.



I am mentally fucked, hardly functional up here anymore; it's no longer to the extent of me being able to blame my mental diagnoses, I realised it far more internal than that.



I deteriorated away, subconsciously I mean. My brain fixates too hard around loneliness that even the slightest hint of it is enough to kickstart another spiral in depravity; like some trapped animal I start lashing out internally onto myself, thrashing and raving until I grow tired and numb, leaving permanent wounds on my psyche.



Is this how life really is? No, I am just not quite "living". Outside of my shell, I have nothing important to me, no-one I care about, nowhere I can truly call home. I have an utterly weak fortitude, I'm utterly disgusted by myself with how often I reach this point of utter misery; I don't want to eat anymore, it feels like a chore at this point to keep up my protein intake. I just want to sit and bury myself under, fuck.



I am an utter idiot, my life is a joke. People see me as a joke, going back to their regular lives once they are entertained witnessing a piece of mine; I am not a victim I am just a mistake I shouldn't have been born. I genuinely wish my mother went with her gut and aborted, or just have never met the father I never got to see. At least then I wouldn't have to experience.



Just see me however you'd like at this point, laugh. Yes, I never tried, I guess I must've never tried hard enough for this to make sense; I should've atleast been able to find contentment, some sort of meaning, some purpose outside of all this but no. 20 years old wageslave going through an aimless degree he doesn't care for, living a life he is clocked out of, distracting himself continuously to forget how pointless this all is. I can't go even for a second without numbing myself, not a single thought or I'll crack like some little bitch that won't grow up.



I'm just so fucked, mentally exhausted, so tired I don't know how to release all this pressure out at all. I can't release it at all, I fucking can't; I hate labelling it depression it feels like some bullshit victim complex I just want to spill it out through any way, even text, even words, sentences I want to do anything to let this ache go please why can't I just stop and be happy? Why am I like this, I hate it all. I hate myself so bad, just utter frustration

 

[VλREN]

Worst part about this using this site is seeing all the new users who are younger then me

 

[Deleted Member 8090]

no-one I care about

 

[St3v3Cel]

My brain fixates too hard around loneliness that even the slightest hint of it is enough to kickstart another spiral in depravity; like some trapped animal I start lashing out internally onto myself, thrashing and raving until I grow tired and numb, leaving permanent wounds on my psyche.

When you say you are lonely, is it because no one loves you or is it because you don't get to love anybody? Personally what helped me with loneliness is understanding the true nature of love, care and and understanding between people. The way I see it loneliness is inherent in humans, because there are limitations to what we can communicate to each other.

This means that the love you might feel for another person, whether romantic or platonic is not a real thing. When a person thinks he loves another person what he actually loves is the idea of that other person he built up in his head. That idea is nowhere near what that other person actually is like.

Another thing about love specifically, is that neurotypical people do not feel or seek love for or from others. All they seek is love for themselves, and pitiful as they are they come up empty each time.

People see me as a joke, going back to their regular lives once they are entertained witnessing a piece of mine; I am not a victim I am just a mistake I shouldn't have been born.

It is all too typical. People are always like this unfortunately. Normies only use us to entertain them and stroke their egos.

I should've atleast been able to find contentment, some sort of meaning, some purpose outside of all this but no. 20 years old wageslave going through an aimless degree he doesn't care for, living a life he is clocked out of, distracting himself continuously to forget how pointless this all is. I can't go even for a second without numbing myself, not a single thought or I'll crack like some little bitch that won't grow up.

The more I came to understand other people the more I grew to hate them. The only thing which goes through Chads, foids and neurotypicals minds is gathering resources, maximising social status and lust for sex. They are just animals really, empty husks of beings. These days I am actually grateful that I will never get to fully understand the cuckoo's nest that is a neurotypical's mind, or god forbid a foidlet's mind. And when I lost interest in others it also helped me lose interest in myself. I no longer long for love or for others to understand me like I once did.

Loneliness is actually more of a mundane thing. It is just a pain we feel for whatever reason, it is probably a survival mechanism of some kind. Sure, it hurts. But a pain is all loneliness is, it is not any more profound than an elbow scratch. It would be nice to to live without pain and lack of pleasure, but even if I did I don't think that life would be complete.

The reason for that is because to be conscious is to feel an unrest due to lack of knowledge. As humans we focus too much on the things we can currently understand about life like pain and pleasure, but we need to look beyond that. What I live for now is seeking knowledge, or "the truth", if you will. If you can foster your curiosity for life it might be able to give you meaning too.

 

[Max Doltman]

Worst part about this using this site is seeing all the new users who are younger then me

youre like 16 can you drive yet

 

[superpsycho]

born. I genuinely wish my mother went with her gut and aborted, or just have never met the father I never got to see. At least then I wouldn't have to experience.

likewise.

i wish i was never born and i wish i never had to experience this hell realm.

 

[VλREN]

youre like 16 can you drive yet

No and no

 

[VanGobbel]

Kinda abstract discription of what you're dealing with. Any concrete examples?

 

[BlackLowLtn]

When you say you are lonely, is it because no one loves you or is it because you don't get to love anybody? Personally what helped me with loneliness is understanding the true nature of love, care and and understanding between people. The way I see it loneliness is inherent in humans, because there are limitations to what we can communicate to each other.

Kinda abstract discription of what you're dealing with. Any concrete examples?

I’ve already made plenty of posts explaining my past. This one wasn’t meant to do that; it was written literally in the middle of a breakdown last night, not as a general reflection on my life.

Yes nobody really loves me, unlike a lot of users here, I don't actually have 'friends' irl; I would spend months to years not talking to people outside of business, education or anything related due to my bad social anxiety and trauma. I am able to do just fine interacting with others, but when I try to push past 'acquaintances' there is some mental barrier I just can't get past, I am able to make those that I consider online friends, including here on .is like @Sewer Stomper I consider pretty close but they are inherently fragile in comparison. I don't 'connect' irl, socialise easily but not connect; which was made worse by how I spent a large part of my early childhood with Selective mutism up until around late Primary/start of Secondary School.

I have a really fragmented family dynamic as well, my bio father was arrested for causing me to go to the hospital after making a ruckus that night; my mother spent my entire childhood severely beating into me how much she regrets her life because of us, only switching up when I was like 18 because she started to consider me as a means for her to have a sustainable elderly life, she loves to pretend nothing ever happened between us all those years, or maybe she genuinely believes that, I'm not really sure. I have a step father but we aren't really close, he's moreso focused on my step-brothers; I don't really have any general thought of him as he came far later into my life, he has beaten me in the past but it was generally a deserved punishment for something I did.

I was relentlessly bullied up from when I initially started any education - late secondary, whether it was my autism, early selective mutism, "gay" look, or whatever. Beaten, thrown around, trashed with no-one ever loyal; it hurts a lot to really think about I try to suppress the memories. It only stopped once I went on a huge improvement streak, but it didn't make me any less lonely and I believe I have some form of facial dysmorphia as I can hardly tell register my face without the feeling of how utterly utter alien it feels.

I just have exactly 0 love, that's the issue; I am literally an unloveable trash, inherently a piece of trash beyond romance. Spent my entire childhood technically homeless as well, not literally' but we lived off council housing and benefits since my mother never really liked to work. 'Isolated', in a complete sense, which might explain why I have such a focus on love while not caring for sex or anything else, I can see myself loving anyone, it doesn't really matter how they look or weigh; though I only really see myself connecting with people through meeting online first.

I am utterly deprived in the standpoint that removes the advantages of a social species; we are made to socially experience, not be so isolated.

 

[BlackLowLtn]

Worst part about this using this site is seeing all the new users who are younger then me

 

[superpsycho]

I just have exactly 0 love, that's the issue; I am literally an unloveable trash, inherently a piece of trash beyond romance.

 

[BlackLowLtn]

I worked through a lot, and improved my body a ton but none of what I do does anything for me. Hobbies never helped, achievements never helped, I have no goals no matter how hard I try to think about it. I have no purpose no matter how much I try to make one up; it's numbing.

I realised I only ever got this far because I was told to, so I did, that's all; I work best when I am given an objective by someone else like a literal robot. And all the philosophy building I spent over the years only made me more nihilistic; therapy didn't help, medications isn't helping, counselling didn't help, being open didn't help, staying closed doesn't help I just can't anymore. Its unsolvable, I'm unfixable...

 

[VanGobbel]

I’ve already made plenty of posts explaining my past. This one wasn’t meant to do that; it was written literally in the middle of a breakdown last night, not as a general reflection on my life.

Yes nobody really loves me, unlike a lot of users here, I don't actually have 'friends' irl; I would spend months to years not talking to people outside of business, education or anything related due to my bad social anxiety and trauma. I am able to do just fine interacting with others, but when I try to push past 'acquaintances' there is some mental barrier I just can't get past, I am able to make those that I consider online friends, including here on .is like @Sewer Stomper I consider pretty close but they are inherently fragile in comparison. I don't 'connect' irl, socialise easily but not connect; which was made worse by how I spent a large part of my early childhood with Selective mutism up until around late Primary/start of Secondary School.

I have a really fragmented family dynamic as well, my bio father was arrested for causing me to go to the hospital after making a ruckus that night; my mother spent my entire childhood severely beating into me how much she regrets her life because of us, only switching up when I was like 18 because she started to consider me as a means for her to have a sustainable elderly life, she loves to pretend nothing ever happened between us all those years, or maybe she genuinely believes that, I'm not really sure. I have a step father but we aren't really close, he's moreso focused on my step-brothers; I don't really have any general thought of him as he came far later into my life, he has beaten me in the past but it was generally a deserved punishment for something I did.

I was relentlessly bullied up from when I initially started any education - late secondary, whether it was my autism, early selective mutism, "gay" look, or whatever. Beaten, thrown around, trashed with no-one ever loyal; it hurts a lot to really think about I try to suppress the memories. It only stopped once I went on a huge improvement streak, but it didn't make me any less lonely and I believe I have some form of facial dysmorphia as I can hardly tell register my face without the feeling of how utterly utter alien it feels.

I just have exactly 0 love, that's the issue; I am literally an unloveable trash, inherently a piece of trash beyond romance. Spent my entire childhood technically homeless as well, not literally' but we lived off council housing and benefits since my mother never really liked to work. 'Isolated', in a complete sense, which might explain why I have such a focus on love while not caring for sex or anything else, I can see myself loving anyone, it doesn't really matter how they look or weigh; though I only really see myself connecting with people through meeting online first.

I am utterly deprived in the standpoint that removes the advantages of a social species; we are made to socially experience, not be so isolated.

 

[Misogynist Vegeta]

I know the feeling, the only thing you can do is distract yourself with copes like video games and working out.

 

[Izayacel]

6,4 chad who hates all day while having a neck / arm tatoo , is able to Fuck / be loved " every 2 Weeks .

Society Caters to Woman and their Preferences , not your fault tbh . I Rarely Feel Guilty being a Lazy Shit anymore .

These Unloved " Guys then are Guilt tripped / Gaslighted to go to the Millitary or seek thERapy , as if that would give you Money and Sex ( oxytocin ) on demand .

@BlackLowLtn

 

[BlackLowLtn]

I didn't mean it like that i was just extremely mentally broken at the time of writing

 

[St3v3Cel]

Yes nobody really loves me, unlike a lot of users here, I don't actually have 'friends' irl; I would spend months to years not talking to people outside of business, education or anything related due to my bad social anxiety and trauma.

I just have exactly 0 love, that's the issue; I am literally an unloveable trash, inherently a piece of trash beyond romance. Spent my entire childhood technically homeless as well, not literally' but we lived off council housing and benefits since my mother never really liked to work. 'Isolated', in a complete sense, which might explain why I have such a focus on love while not caring for sex or anything else, I can see myself loving anyone, it doesn't really matter how they look or weigh; though I only really see myself connecting with people through meeting online first.

I am utterly deprived in the standpoint that removes the advantages of a social species; we are made to socially experience, not be so isolated.

Belief in and longing for love is a mental illness which brings suffering. It is not a real thing.

I am able to do just fine interacting with others, but when I try to push past 'acquaintances' there is some mental barrier I just can't get past, I am able to make those that I consider online friends, including here on .is like @

@Sewer Stomper I consider pretty close but they are inherently fragile in comparison. I don't 'connect' irl, socialise easily but not connect; which was made worse by how I spent a large part of my early childhood with Selective mutism up until around late Primary/start of Secondary School.

How are real life friends different from or preferable to online friends?

 

[BlackLowLtn]

How are real life friends different from or preferable to online friends?

Very fragile, I realised a while ago I put too much effort and thought into even online friendships that the other person would view as just "online" rather than just a 'friend'.

Cycled through a lot of online friendships over the years, especially noticed it with the extent of my neurotypical ex-friends that nobody genuinely gives a crap, even if irl is to an extent the same it is never this dismissive.
I only do because I am severely neurodivergent and diagnosed, having spent too much of my youth online to where I see it as another "world" I can connect with people rather than some past time.

I separate the two simply to highlight that point.

 

[St3v3Cel]

Very fragile, I realised a while ago I put too much effort and thought into even online friendships that the other person would view as just "online" rather than just a 'friend'.

Cycled through a lot of online friendships over the years, especially noticed it with the extent of my neurotypical ex-friends that nobody genuinely gives a crap, even if irl is to an extent the same it is never this dismissive.
I only do because I am severely neurodivergent and diagnosed, having spent too much of my youth online to where I see it as another "world" I can connect with people rather than some past time.

I separate the two simply to highlight that point.

How would a real friend, whether real life or online, look like to you? How would such a friend enrich your life? When you say that you don't care about sex, does that mean that romantic and platonic love are the same or at least of equal value to you?

 

[BlackLowLtn]

How would a real friend, whether real life or online, look like to you? How would such a friend enrich your life? When you say that you don't care about sex, does that mean that romantic and platonic love are the same or at least of equal value to you?

I expect no monetary gain or intrinsic benefit out of either, I only want a friend who I could find joy spending time with over a large part of my life, over someone who'd only be a moment.

The thing about my mind is that I am very very weirdly into affectionate gestures, so I would separate romantic and platonic in how I perceive the other person, whether they are someone I deem a long-time pal or someone who I deeply want to shower with that affection.

 

[St3v3Cel]

I expect no monetary gain or intrinsic benefit out of either, I only want a friend who I could find joy spending time with over a large part of my life, over someone who'd only be a moment.

Is it a deep connection and understanding you seek with another person? Or would having someone to eat lunch or watch a movie with be enough to give you joy?

The thing about my mind is that I am very very weirdly into affectionate gestures, so I would separate romantic and platonic in how I perceive the other person, whether they are someone I deem a long-time pal or someone who I deeply want to shower with that affection.

Affectionate gestures such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, eye contact, saying "I love you" to each other and so forth are much like sex. I would say that they are the same type of thing.

 

[BlackLowLtn]

Is it a deep connection and understanding you seek with another person? Or would having someone to eat lunch or watch a movie with be enough to give you joy?

Affectionate gestures such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, eye contact, saying "I love you" to each other and so forth are much like sex. I would say that they are the same type of thing.

Either, as long as it's long-lasting with about the same connection. And if you interpret it as such, as I feel as though one emotionally outweighs the other; at least to me I heavily weigh in on affectionate gestures (also I mean physical contact like patting one's head, cuddling yeah, stroking hair and other displays of affection) as something I always wanted to do, and I want to be the one 'doing' it rather than the person receiving.

I explicitly want to shower the other with that attention, I don't necessarily mind how you interpret that.

 

[St3v3Cel]

Either, as long as it's long-lasting with about the same connection. And if you interpret it as such, as I feel as though one emotionally outweighs the other; at least to me I heavily weigh in on affectionate gestures (also I mean physical contact like patting one's head, cuddling yeah, stroking hair and other displays of affection) as something I always wanted to do, and I want to be the one 'doing' it rather than the person receiving.

I explicitly want to shower the other with that attention, I don't necessarily mind how you interpret that.

Let's leave romantic relationships behind and talk exclusively about friendships. You have described to me what you would want to do in a romantic relationship. Can you now describe something you would want to do with a friend? Whatever it could be, explain it in detail.

 

[BlackLowLtn]

Let's leave romantic relationships behind and talk exclusively about friendships. You have described to me what you would want to do in a romantic relationship. Can you now describe something you would want to do with a friend? Whatever it could be, explain it in detail.

Spend plenty of time with them whether it's through gaming, talking, sending stupid shit etc; I just want someone who could see the friendship as something genuine and feel a close bond towards.

There are certain people online who i see that but at the same time, like I said earlier, I am unsure on how they view me cuz tism and if my past experiences were anything of note then likely nothing much.

 

[St3v3Cel]

Spend plenty of time with them whether it's through gaming, talking, sending stupid shit etc; I just want someone who could see the friendship as something genuine and feel a close bond towards.

There are certain people online who i see that but at the same time, like I said earlier, I am unsure on how they view me cuz tism and if my past experiences were anything of note then likely nothing much.

Hmmm I guess I just do not relate so I don't know what to say. I am no longer interested in other people or myself. I only live for my curiosity about the greater questions in life. Hopefully things work out for you, I'm realising that I'm too much of a truecel nutcase to help you.

 

[BlackLowLtn]

Hmmm I guess I just do not relate so I don't know what to say. I am no longer interested in other people or myself. I only live for my curiosity about the greater questions in life. Hopefully things work out for you, I'm realising that I'm too much of a truecel nutcase to help you.

Hope you well