AdamII
Spectral Tzélem
★
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2021
- Posts
- 54
I'm 20, been a complete NEET for the last 2 years. The last 6 years in my life seem to have passed in the speed of light. Nothing happened though, and nothing changed. It all feels too futile.
I keep thinking about death these days, and I feel like before I even notice, this life will go down the drain and I'll die without having lived (at all). My life is a monotonous drama. It's utterly devoid of joy, although immersed in pain, and when it isn't, then it is immersed in alienating disorientation. I look at the demons dancing with Samael, but can't feel the rhythm. I can't dance with them.
All I do is browse twitter, listen to depressing music, or read. Bought a lot of esoteric books. Commentaries on the Zohar, some sabbatean cosmoginical stuff, some second-hand Nietzsche books. I try to read them, but my attention span is low. So I just skim a lot of parts, or start from the middle of the book.
I feel like I haven't lived. I don't feel the pathos of time. I don't taste the flesh of life, can't grab it between my eager teeth.
I know some bitches through the internet, but they've all been ghosting me. I think they don't want me (obviously).
I'm mentally ill and virgin, don't know which one is the cause to the other. Been in a partial hospitalization for most of the past year. I long for warmth that i will never attain. And boredom is haunting me, like a dull spectre through a rotten wooden house.
I might move in with my e-thot cousin in the next year. Maybe then things will change? I'm skeptic. Things never change. Only gracefully repeat.
Just wanted to blow off some steam. I'm very depressed these days. And I'm thinking of death non-stop. Dying (eventually) doesn't terrify me as much as not being able to live my transient presence on the earth to the fullest; and by fullest I mean to attain the highest peaks of joy, ones that only love could give.
So yeah. Whatever. If anyone feels similar attunements, well, I'm here or whatever
I keep thinking about death these days, and I feel like before I even notice, this life will go down the drain and I'll die without having lived (at all). My life is a monotonous drama. It's utterly devoid of joy, although immersed in pain, and when it isn't, then it is immersed in alienating disorientation. I look at the demons dancing with Samael, but can't feel the rhythm. I can't dance with them.
All I do is browse twitter, listen to depressing music, or read. Bought a lot of esoteric books. Commentaries on the Zohar, some sabbatean cosmoginical stuff, some second-hand Nietzsche books. I try to read them, but my attention span is low. So I just skim a lot of parts, or start from the middle of the book.
I feel like I haven't lived. I don't feel the pathos of time. I don't taste the flesh of life, can't grab it between my eager teeth.
I know some bitches through the internet, but they've all been ghosting me. I think they don't want me (obviously).
I'm mentally ill and virgin, don't know which one is the cause to the other. Been in a partial hospitalization for most of the past year. I long for warmth that i will never attain. And boredom is haunting me, like a dull spectre through a rotten wooden house.
I might move in with my e-thot cousin in the next year. Maybe then things will change? I'm skeptic. Things never change. Only gracefully repeat.
Just wanted to blow off some steam. I'm very depressed these days. And I'm thinking of death non-stop. Dying (eventually) doesn't terrify me as much as not being able to live my transient presence on the earth to the fullest; and by fullest I mean to attain the highest peaks of joy, ones that only love could give.
So yeah. Whatever. If anyone feels similar attunements, well, I'm here or whatever