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Venting Feel like I'm gonna die without having lived

AdamII

AdamII

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I'm 20, been a complete NEET for the last 2 years. The last 6 years in my life seem to have passed in the speed of light. Nothing happened though, and nothing changed. It all feels too futile.
I keep thinking about death these days, and I feel like before I even notice, this life will go down the drain and I'll die without having lived (at all). My life is a monotonous drama. It's utterly devoid of joy, although immersed in pain, and when it isn't, then it is immersed in alienating disorientation. I look at the demons dancing with Samael, but can't feel the rhythm. I can't dance with them.
All I do is browse twitter, listen to depressing music, or read. Bought a lot of esoteric books. Commentaries on the Zohar, some sabbatean cosmoginical stuff, some second-hand Nietzsche books. I try to read them, but my attention span is low. So I just skim a lot of parts, or start from the middle of the book.
I feel like I haven't lived. I don't feel the pathos of time. I don't taste the flesh of life, can't grab it between my eager teeth.
I know some bitches through the internet, but they've all been ghosting me. I think they don't want me (obviously).
I'm mentally ill and virgin, don't know which one is the cause to the other. Been in a partial hospitalization for most of the past year. I long for warmth that i will never attain. And boredom is haunting me, like a dull spectre through a rotten wooden house.
I might move in with my e-thot cousin in the next year. Maybe then things will change? I'm skeptic. Things never change. Only gracefully repeat.
Just wanted to blow off some steam. I'm very depressed these days. And I'm thinking of death non-stop. Dying (eventually) doesn't terrify me as much as not being able to live my transient presence on the earth to the fullest; and by fullest I mean to attain the highest peaks of joy, ones that only love could give.
So yeah. Whatever. If anyone feels similar attunements, well, I'm here or whatever
 
HeroinNihilism

HeroinNihilism

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u wanna die and live the exact same life all over again?
 
AdamII

AdamII

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HeroinNihilism said:
u wanna die and live the exact same life all over again?
How did you get that impression
 
HeroinNihilism

HeroinNihilism

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AdamII

AdamII

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HeroinNihilism said:
Nietzsche
What does this have to do with Nietzsche if i may ask
 
HeroinNihilism

HeroinNihilism

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AdamII said:
What does this have to do with Nietzsche if i may ask
Nietzsche wrote of "eternal return", recurrence of the exact same life you already lived.
 
AdamII

AdamII

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HeroinNihilism said:
Nietzsche wrote of "eternal return", recurrence of the exact same life you already lived.
Yeah but it doesn't have anything to do with reincarnation
 
HeroinNihilism

HeroinNihilism

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AdamII said:
Yeah but it doesn't have anything to do with reincarnation
I wasn't really being serious, i know jack shit about Nietzsche other than what I just wrote
 
AdamII

AdamII

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HeroinNihilism said:
I wasn't really being serious, i know jack shit about Nietzsche other than what I just wrote
Whatever lol
I don't mind
 
Mentally lost cel

Mentally lost cel

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Sounds like me, we’re the same
 
AdamII

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Mentally lost cel said:
Sounds like me, we’re the same
Well, sending solidarity then
 
BlkPillPres

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AdamII said:
I stopped at this point tbh :feelskek:

You have to be fucking kidding me

Its not like you are 30, you are speaking as if you don't have time to put a plan into action to make sure that the following decades of your life are enjoyable

You have 10 fucking years to do something to change your situation and you're telling me you can't pull that off?

If so just kill yourself now and skip to the end, don't waste anymore time

You better start making a plan and putting it into action soon, else you'll end up like that guy in the video for my signature :feelskek:
 
Dregster666

Dregster666

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BlkPillPres said:
I stopped at this point tbh :feelskek:

You have to be fucking kidding me

Its not like you are 30, you are speaking as if you don't have time to put a plan into action to make sure that the following decades of your life are enjoyable

You have 10 fucking years to do something to change your situation and you're telling me you can't pull that off?

If so just kill yourself now and skip to the end, don't waste anymore time

You better start making a plan and putting it into action soon, else you'll end up like that guy in the video for my signature :feelskek:
Lmao this :feelskek:

Nigga talks like he's 30-40 yrs old :feelswhat:
 
Mentally lost cel

Mentally lost cel

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AdamII said:
Well, sending solidarity then
Yeah, you must get surgery mate, I’ll get it ASAP
 
O

OwlGod

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life is no big deal though, so you shouldn't care.
 
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