So incredibly lonely, I go about my day with countless copes yet I can hardly fee much enjoyment in it all: gym, piano, climbing, running, gaming, reading webnovels, sometimes drawing/edits and so on. I am even just trying a visual novel I been recommended earlier to take my mind off things, and yet when I go on with my day I just... Feel utterly numb. I'm usually in this state only for a couple days before going back to normal but it has been a month now and I just can't stop.
I don’t know. I’m tired. So emotionally sapped it's not even in a despair sort of way, I just hardly can emotionally link with anything I've committed myself to for years now and a nagging headache accompanies me throughout the end of it all. I don't see the end of any of this, I've had therapists throughout my whole childhood to now yet I fundamentally can't enjoy life. How utterly pointless all this is, when the only thing I wished for was a proper childhood and life surrounded by people that liked me.
Each time I even try to think more deeply into my psyche the nagging pain only gets worse, extreme even, until I forget about it and move on; it's only moments like these where I am able to just type out without thinking where I can actually understand my own thoughts in this as though I am seeing them for the first time. At times I am shocked at how emotionally unstable I really am at times while typing, it's bizarre.
Life's so annoying... Not even having a mother that loves me or a father even being in my life certainly put a damper on things, I guess a ton of my belief on the whole 'blackpill' comes down to how much my mother demeaned me throughout my childhood, though the bullying, zero friends, autism and all that didn't help either. I sometimes question why people like her and my father even have kids, is it just some silly thought to people? To bring in a new life into the world, with how that life would be like from then on being an afterthought? How heartless to say the least, though i guess my situation just came down to luck considering how contrastingly different others seemed to have lived.
I just want love, man... fuck. i hate this.
I don’t know. I’m tired. So emotionally sapped it's not even in a despair sort of way, I just hardly can emotionally link with anything I've committed myself to for years now and a nagging headache accompanies me throughout the end of it all. I don't see the end of any of this, I've had therapists throughout my whole childhood to now yet I fundamentally can't enjoy life. How utterly pointless all this is, when the only thing I wished for was a proper childhood and life surrounded by people that liked me.
Each time I even try to think more deeply into my psyche the nagging pain only gets worse, extreme even, until I forget about it and move on; it's only moments like these where I am able to just type out without thinking where I can actually understand my own thoughts in this as though I am seeing them for the first time. At times I am shocked at how emotionally unstable I really am at times while typing, it's bizarre.
Life's so annoying... Not even having a mother that loves me or a father even being in my life certainly put a damper on things, I guess a ton of my belief on the whole 'blackpill' comes down to how much my mother demeaned me throughout my childhood, though the bullying, zero friends, autism and all that didn't help either. I sometimes question why people like her and my father even have kids, is it just some silly thought to people? To bring in a new life into the world, with how that life would be like from then on being an afterthought? How heartless to say the least, though i guess my situation just came down to luck considering how contrastingly different others seemed to have lived.
I just want love, man... fuck. i hate this.
