Is my brain so dogshit that things which are natural for others are impossible for me?
For so long I keep trying to find something to interest me, not even a passion, just something interesting that I want to do for a few hours every day. I put effort into it, I searched, and yet I still find everything boring, pointless and not worth doing.
And it's not just now, after years of depression and probably having my dopamine system fucked up beyond repair. Even as a kid I didn't really find anything interesting, mostly I'd just rot and seek comfort in TV and video games.
I seriously can't wrap my head around how people just go about their lives and find things interesting. I've gone down so many lists of interests and I really find everything pointless and boring. Music, writing, drawing, sports, walking.
Or is that people just socialize and find doing things fun because of other people? Shit, it appears I have the worst of both worlds. Normal people socialize and find fun in interacting with people and learning from/doing it with them. And autists have their own niche shit that they get obsessed over. And yet I'm an avoidant autist who really, really wants to find something to obsess over and yet I can't make my brain stop seeing everything as boring and pointless. Fucking reductionist brain that sucks the fun out of everything and just sees everything as a dull sum of its parts. Fuck I hate my brain.
For so long I keep trying to find something to interest me, not even a passion, just something interesting that I want to do for a few hours every day. I put effort into it, I searched, and yet I still find everything boring, pointless and not worth doing.
And it's not just now, after years of depression and probably having my dopamine system fucked up beyond repair. Even as a kid I didn't really find anything interesting, mostly I'd just rot and seek comfort in TV and video games.
I seriously can't wrap my head around how people just go about their lives and find things interesting. I've gone down so many lists of interests and I really find everything pointless and boring. Music, writing, drawing, sports, walking.
Or is that people just socialize and find doing things fun because of other people? Shit, it appears I have the worst of both worlds. Normal people socialize and find fun in interacting with people and learning from/doing it with them. And autists have their own niche shit that they get obsessed over. And yet I'm an avoidant autist who really, really wants to find something to obsess over and yet I can't make my brain stop seeing everything as boring and pointless. Fucking reductionist brain that sucks the fun out of everything and just sees everything as a dull sum of its parts. Fuck I hate my brain.
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