It may be a schizoid thing. I do a lot of introspection and I split my personality into various layers. I separate external influence from the new models which are generated by reworking older internal models.
I've always considered sexual attraction as something foreign, something that has been forced on me. I never wanted to be a sexual being, I never longed for being grown up and having relationships. I always just wanted to mess around and my core personality still does.
I've detested sexuality from the start. I joined a Polish no-fap forum (it wasn't even called "no-fap" back then, the forum was mostly religious) when I was like 11, so almost right after discovering masturbation. It's not even masturbation that I abhor, in fact I consider it a lesser evil to get rid of horniness; it's the sexuality itself which I wish I could get a rid of.
You'd think I had religious upbringing or something, but it's the exact opposite. My parents are progressive atheists which taught me about condoms and contraception when I was like 10, all my teachers were also sex-positive. It's not even that I consider sex or sexuality as evil, but I don't consider it a part of myself, I feel brainwashed by hormones to feel all this shit.
I wish I could just achieve a sex-free mindset, but it seems impossible. Even if I'm not outright horny, I still feel like I watch the world though sexual lenses which distort my view. Horniness I consider akin to psychosis. It's like with drugs: I can be excited as a result of internal stimulus like thinking about exciting things, but I can also just consoom a stimulant and internalize the excitement which the drug generates -- horniness is more like the latter.
The best time of my life were 4 months of major depressive mood during which my libido and sexuality seemed to disappear. It was also my longest no-fap streak. It's better to feel depressed than possessed by the cult of bob and vegana. I haven't watched porn in over 2 years now (well, I've seen an image or two accidentally on imageboards or even here, but I didn't fap to it or look at it for more than a second; it's impossible to completely avoid porn unless you want to limit yourself to children entertainment, even many TV ads or billboards on the street edge on porn), but I still get PTSD-style flashes of naked bodies. I'm happier when I'm depressed than when I'm horny. My thinking is very calm, clear and seemingly free of external influences when I'm "depressed" (perhaps it's not really depression but a similar state).
Maybe I'm not great at putting my thoughts into words, but sexuality feels to me like I imagine "demonic possession" feels to religious people.
I've always considered sexual attraction as something foreign, something that has been forced on me. I never wanted to be a sexual being, I never longed for being grown up and having relationships. I always just wanted to mess around and my core personality still does.
I've detested sexuality from the start. I joined a Polish no-fap forum (it wasn't even called "no-fap" back then, the forum was mostly religious) when I was like 11, so almost right after discovering masturbation. It's not even masturbation that I abhor, in fact I consider it a lesser evil to get rid of horniness; it's the sexuality itself which I wish I could get a rid of.
You'd think I had religious upbringing or something, but it's the exact opposite. My parents are progressive atheists which taught me about condoms and contraception when I was like 10, all my teachers were also sex-positive. It's not even that I consider sex or sexuality as evil, but I don't consider it a part of myself, I feel brainwashed by hormones to feel all this shit.
I wish I could just achieve a sex-free mindset, but it seems impossible. Even if I'm not outright horny, I still feel like I watch the world though sexual lenses which distort my view. Horniness I consider akin to psychosis. It's like with drugs: I can be excited as a result of internal stimulus like thinking about exciting things, but I can also just consoom a stimulant and internalize the excitement which the drug generates -- horniness is more like the latter.
The best time of my life were 4 months of major depressive mood during which my libido and sexuality seemed to disappear. It was also my longest no-fap streak. It's better to feel depressed than possessed by the cult of bob and vegana. I haven't watched porn in over 2 years now (well, I've seen an image or two accidentally on imageboards or even here, but I didn't fap to it or look at it for more than a second; it's impossible to completely avoid porn unless you want to limit yourself to children entertainment, even many TV ads or billboards on the street edge on porn), but I still get PTSD-style flashes of naked bodies. I'm happier when I'm depressed than when I'm horny. My thinking is very calm, clear and seemingly free of external influences when I'm "depressed" (perhaps it's not really depression but a similar state).
Maybe I'm not great at putting my thoughts into words, but sexuality feels to me like I imagine "demonic possession" feels to religious people.
