It's quite contradictory to muh depresshun. I know I have 0 worth, I am literally one of the worst, laziest and most useless shitstains to ever walk this planet. And I know all this, and I feel very badly about myself all day every day.
But of course, to make the torture even greater, I also feel this delusion of grandeur, this narcissism. I can't put it into words, but somehow I just feel superior to everybody, like I deserve so much more and I'm inherently better in some way. Quite the contrast with my permanent feeling of being a useless shitstain.
I guess this is why my brain keeps throwing these thoughts at me of teaching myself programming and being self-employed. It will never happen, my brain is too ADHD to focus on learning programming, and even if I did I wouldn't be able to make a fucking penny, and yet I just can't cope with the reality that I'll work a shit job for next to no fucking money my whole life. So my brain keeps fantasizing, no matter how much I KNOW it won't fucking happen if I somehow did fucking learn programming (and I definitely won't, I proved that to myself this summer).
God damn it's so hard to accept that I'm such a huge fucking loser. Since I was a kid I knew that the only thing I could possibly have going for me is intelligence and money, and I've failed hard at both. I don't want to be a fucking wageslave at the bottom of the totem pole, I really don't. And cause I'm so antisocial with 0 social skills I'll never climb up the ladder either, I'll be a bottom of the barrel wageslave till I die.
But of course, to make the torture even greater, I also feel this delusion of grandeur, this narcissism. I can't put it into words, but somehow I just feel superior to everybody, like I deserve so much more and I'm inherently better in some way. Quite the contrast with my permanent feeling of being a useless shitstain.
I guess this is why my brain keeps throwing these thoughts at me of teaching myself programming and being self-employed. It will never happen, my brain is too ADHD to focus on learning programming, and even if I did I wouldn't be able to make a fucking penny, and yet I just can't cope with the reality that I'll work a shit job for next to no fucking money my whole life. So my brain keeps fantasizing, no matter how much I KNOW it won't fucking happen if I somehow did fucking learn programming (and I definitely won't, I proved that to myself this summer).
God damn it's so hard to accept that I'm such a huge fucking loser. Since I was a kid I knew that the only thing I could possibly have going for me is intelligence and money, and I've failed hard at both. I don't want to be a fucking wageslave at the bottom of the totem pole, I really don't. And cause I'm so antisocial with 0 social skills I'll never climb up the ladder either, I'll be a bottom of the barrel wageslave till I die.
