These past few months I have really went bonkers this time. Ever since that God forsaken Easter, my everyday life went to shit. It wasn't your average incel shit day where nothing happens, no, it was something else. It was pure fucking hell. For some of you who know me, you might know what I am talking about. But for those that don't, let me explain.
Back in April, I had a mental breakdown over my excuse of a life. The next day I have noticed some major changes within myself. At first I didn't pay that much mind to it, probably was my body's reaction after I cried myself to sleep. So naturally I went with my day like usual. But then I noticed something, my copes weren't working like they usually did. I have absolutely felt nothing while I was playing video games. Absolutely NOTHING while I was watching anime. Then I noticed I wasn't even feeling motivated to do anything, not even going for a swim. And I am a strong willed person. It wasn't your average "ah what a drag" type of feeling. I genuinely felt like I was pushing a boulder just to do something. If even my own willpower couldn't overcome this state that I was feeling, something was VERY WRONG.
Then I quickly noticed I had no emotions or feelings. Like if you were being a dick and decided to make fun of me or punch me, I would feel nothing. It was so strange, since I am the type of person where I would bark or at least feel pissed about it, but this time? Nah, pure apathy.
So I went to take a cold shower to pull myself out of this state. It wasn't working. I told my mom that I was feeling dead inside. That the shit that used to put a smile on my face were not making me happy anymore. That I wasn't feeling like myself anymore. You know what she said? "You just have to find a collective and occupy yourself with some activities.
". Jeez, I wish things were that easy, mom.
At this point, I completely gave up on trying to seek help. All I could have done is "cope" and tough it up through this terrible Easter praying that I would go back to being myself.
And months would go by coping with the current predicament that I was in. Thankfully, as the days were progressing, I could partially still enjoy some shit. But like any truecel, their fate will always be a bitch.
Slowly my mind was deteriorating. I still knew who I was, but my memories from my past were starting to fade away. When I was having a conversation with someone, I noticed I couldn't even remember the names of my former classmates from my highschool. And gradually, I would be taking walks and I would completely feel zoned out. I would look at people in the park and think to myself "what in the actual fuck is going on?". People were doing mundane shit like taking walks, kids playing with each other, etc. Even the concept of relationships and spending time with loved ones felt completely strange to me. The everyday activities that people were doing honestly puzzled me. And no, I am not an autistcel, back then I still could comprehend what the fuck normalfags and foids were doing everyday.
Even when I would go outside with my mom and meet old faces, I couldn't recognize them. And it wasn't because of age, back then (even before that night on april) I still had that sharp memory.
The words in which I am describing this experience aren't enough to paint a good picture of what I was feeling, but all you need to understand is that my memories faded away, I didn't feel like myself anymore, living life felt like a foreign concept to me, I didn't know what day or month was and most of the shit that people are doing these days made absolute no sense to me. I honestly felt like a lobotomized patient. My mind was completely blank. With no personal thoughts or feelings, just constant consciousness.
Now, I am feeling partially recovered, but I am still working on some shit out.
Did anybody else go through what I have described?
Back in April, I had a mental breakdown over my excuse of a life. The next day I have noticed some major changes within myself. At first I didn't pay that much mind to it, probably was my body's reaction after I cried myself to sleep. So naturally I went with my day like usual. But then I noticed something, my copes weren't working like they usually did. I have absolutely felt nothing while I was playing video games. Absolutely NOTHING while I was watching anime. Then I noticed I wasn't even feeling motivated to do anything, not even going for a swim. And I am a strong willed person. It wasn't your average "ah what a drag" type of feeling. I genuinely felt like I was pushing a boulder just to do something. If even my own willpower couldn't overcome this state that I was feeling, something was VERY WRONG.
Then I quickly noticed I had no emotions or feelings. Like if you were being a dick and decided to make fun of me or punch me, I would feel nothing. It was so strange, since I am the type of person where I would bark or at least feel pissed about it, but this time? Nah, pure apathy.
So I went to take a cold shower to pull myself out of this state. It wasn't working. I told my mom that I was feeling dead inside. That the shit that used to put a smile on my face were not making me happy anymore. That I wasn't feeling like myself anymore. You know what she said? "You just have to find a collective and occupy yourself with some activities.
". Jeez, I wish things were that easy, mom. At this point, I completely gave up on trying to seek help. All I could have done is "cope" and tough it up through this terrible Easter praying that I would go back to being myself.
And months would go by coping with the current predicament that I was in. Thankfully, as the days were progressing, I could partially still enjoy some shit. But like any truecel, their fate will always be a bitch.
Slowly my mind was deteriorating. I still knew who I was, but my memories from my past were starting to fade away. When I was having a conversation with someone, I noticed I couldn't even remember the names of my former classmates from my highschool. And gradually, I would be taking walks and I would completely feel zoned out. I would look at people in the park and think to myself "what in the actual fuck is going on?". People were doing mundane shit like taking walks, kids playing with each other, etc. Even the concept of relationships and spending time with loved ones felt completely strange to me. The everyday activities that people were doing honestly puzzled me. And no, I am not an autistcel, back then I still could comprehend what the fuck normalfags and foids were doing everyday.
Even when I would go outside with my mom and meet old faces, I couldn't recognize them. And it wasn't because of age, back then (even before that night on april) I still had that sharp memory.
The words in which I am describing this experience aren't enough to paint a good picture of what I was feeling, but all you need to understand is that my memories faded away, I didn't feel like myself anymore, living life felt like a foreign concept to me, I didn't know what day or month was and most of the shit that people are doing these days made absolute no sense to me. I honestly felt like a lobotomized patient. My mind was completely blank. With no personal thoughts or feelings, just constant consciousness.
Now, I am feeling partially recovered, but I am still working on some shit out.
Did anybody else go through what I have described?
