19 year old male:
“i've been a reject from a young age, both socially and romantically. i apparently have an autism diagnosis among other things. i have never participated nor been invited to social events such as parties, hangouts, functions, and so on. due to my autism, i assume, i have damaged my social standing to a great degree because of my expressions/mannerisms. I also have a brother with more severe autism and intellectual disabilities. my childhood has been very divergent from the norm because of him. i have never been able to attend special events with my family nor my friends because of him. i am on the border of poverty and i have lived in an apartment for over ten years. this brother has dirtied the apartment (well just his room) with his feces and urine. every morning i have to smell the man diaper piss and hints of shit coming from his room when the door opens. he is seventeen years old and there is no hope for him seemingly. you cannot converse with him. if you tell him "no" he has a so-called "meltdown". you can tell that this has shifted parental attention towards him, even if i didn't get "neglected" growing up. i mentioned this because i just feel like it had an influence on my mind.
i feel as if i am only now hitting milestones everyone else has reached only a few years before. i am only now getting "the hang" of things. every friend i make is either weird as fuck or they end up going away within a short timeframe in the grand scheme of things. you can say that this is normal for folks my age based on what i describe but my friendships, and relationships in general, are weak and fleeting compared to many other ones i've seen. they do everything special; functions, parties, "hang-outs", and some even go on vacation together. of course, i'm not the type to "party" myself, but it still leaves me with great disappointment that i have practically never had a chance to experience these things, and i likely never will. i also feel as if i have "sabotaged" myself by passing up social opportunities, especially when i was younger. no one i have met is interested in me for me. i also find myself only speaking of myself in social interactions with little interest for others most of the time. now then, in the sixth grade, i liked this girl. she was very nice to me and spoke to me pretty often at the start of the school year and she is very cute and beautiful. looking back it was the "hey best friend!" bullshit popular girls do or something akin to it. in other words i think she was only pitying me. she would wave at, smile, and greet me, not every day but fairly often. i began to stare at her every chance i had, we really didn't build a friendship so we didn't know much about each other. i viewed her as a sort of friend while i was a mere acquaitance. she would ALWAYS be talked to in class by boys and almost constantly, not that they hit that age where they actually want a girlfriend yet.
i was practically invisible to her and everyone else later in the year. she even went up to the door of a class i was in that she was not in and smiled and waved at me and moved on to her class. i also saw her smiling/smirking at me and making eye contact as she passed by me in the lunchroom. i genuinely thought she liked me. i then got friends to help me (which is pretty normal i'd say)
so i made this one friend start a sort of rumor that i like this girl. it was supposed to be pretty subtle until he told the wrong person and that wrong person told the girl that i wanted to have sex with her. i was a little sixth-grader so obviously i had little to no sex interest (it was some real love yk) but i heard that she made a funny expression on her face (and it wasn't good) i then got the friend who i got to start the "rumor" so-to-speak to just flat out tell her that i like her. the response from her was "Ew!!" "bleugh!" and things of that nature. she made it so fucking obvious that she had interest in me but i guess she was lying that whole time. i was quite the bum in the 6th grade though. i had this grown-out buzzcut that was in that awkward stage where it's turning into regular straight white boy hair but it still looks like i have a bowl cut. i also had these weird "bangs" on my forehead from the grown-out hair. i wouldn't wash myself often, of course, i wasn't downright filthy but i had greasy hair, prolly smelled like piss and shit and no one could really pinpoint who it was.
the girl i've liked was assigned to a group with me in p.e. class and she noted that someone smells like pee with playful manner as she moved back holding and fanning her nose. people in class noted sum shitty smell while looking in my general direction, at least that's what i remember. i also had VERY grown-out and sorta dirty nails. we're talking measurable in a couple inches. perhaps the slacking parental attention that i've noticed has affected me more, actually. i also ate like shit growing up. my parents like any other have only known the mainstream health advice (ex. junk food is okay in moderation! vegetables are good for you!) and i was pretty damn feminine even before puberty. if my looks weren't affected my mind certainly was. i noticed that i have gotten smarter again since i have started eating healthier than most (although 4rd-6th grade, i pretended to be absolutely stupid to get easier classwork since i was and now am once more a "gifted" kid) and it sorta wasn't an act anymore for a while. i've gotten better but it ABSOLUTELY affected my social standing/reputation) that girl who i liked (and still like) was also there to see it happening in the fifth grade, not in the same class but i'm sure she heard about it.
i also remember slapping her wrist at recess (leaving a mark for a bit) over something i literally do not remember. at the time i didn't know who she was nor did i care. she was just another person to me. she was pretty forgiving from what i remember. that stunt however got me into some sort of outpatient behavior-related therapy. the incident happened in the first quarter of the school year but i didn't get in there until january. it was full of people who have it a bit worse than me but obviously not people to be friends with. there was this one creepy guy also from the 5th grade who likes many girls he sees and has hit them and so on. there was this other guy who i actually knew since preschool and spent a decent amount of time with. not like a brother though. i haven't talked to him since. but being in that class meant being treated like my mom drank antifreeze during pregnancy and combined with the "associates" i had in that class it certainly didn't do my social standing any favors. (i also remember trying to look "cute" 4th-5th grade, i would do this thing where i made my front two teeth go over my bottom lip. i don't know what i was thinking but it made me look like a beaver, i'll thank God that it didn't push my jaw back or anything) in the 6th grade, i made myself a friend group, but it was full of weirdos and consisted of 3-5 people including myself. i actually had two seperate friend groups but i spent more time with one than the other. both were full of weirdos either way. you already know this didn't help my social standing whatsoever.
i was severely out-competed for popularity/relationships in the sixth grade. i wouldn't say there were any "chads" in the school as per looks but they are definitely on the way to being "chads". they've only really hurt me as i fell behind, as it usually goes. i never got myself into any sports or common, mainstream interests. "what's your favorite movie? what sports do you play?" are very common questions asked when trying to form a relationship just to know the other person a little better, but i have given no answers because no one thinks any deeper than those sorts of things (and those who do turn out to be extremely weird, unhygenic, i don't know a term to call them but you get the gist) i would never participate in first-day-of-school icebreakers either so no one really has a clue what i'm interested in or anything of that nature. i'm also overall very awkward in real life and even figures like teachers/principals have noted it in front of me. i'm on the bottom of the hierarchy or otherwise in a very low position. i'm still a "man" though, i am not short nor necessarily frail (although i'm very skinny with little muscle as of now). i look "uncanny" in a way. i don't look not-human, i don't look chiseled and ripped, i just look creepy and "off". i have had a fapping addiction especially through late middle school and that definitely affected my "vibe" towards others and to females. it definitely fucked up my mind too. i was exposed to pornography even before then too. i'll continue on that girl i liked. in the 7th grade, i had a few classes with her including my homeroom and that made me pretty damn happy. the thing is, i NEVER and i mean NEVER tried talking to her or getting to know her. i would simply stare at her all class and everywhere i had a chance to stare at her. i'd stare at her as if she was blind and couldn't see me or something. she did speak to me in other classes we had but it was for favors and joking. it made my month whenever i got attention from her in any capacity.
i miss hearing her soft soothing voice, her skin, hair, eyes, and body. even if i had sexual attraction towards her, i still had actual feelings of love for the most part. people would go up to her to tell her that i was staring at her. she would avoid me as subtly as she could. whenever i was behind her in the hallway (staring at her, of course) she would look behind almost fearfully as if i was about to hurt her or whatever. she then went behind me on purpose. she had an assigned seat across from me and she would place her chair as far scooted away from me as possible or she wouldn't face me. near the end of the year, i followed accounts of hers (because i know who she is, whether i like her or not) and when she found out who it was who followed her, she blocked me. the next day, she was telling someone about how i followed her account as if i'm some maniac stalker. she was also distancing herself from me in class. i then texted her on instagram after the school year ended and i admitted that i have liked her. we were "cool" with eachother after that but i could tell that she couldn't care less when i texted her. i was about to text her after not texting her for a while just to find out that she blocked me. when i asked if she meant to block me on a different platform she blocked me there and so on. i then had to go on snapchat (fuck that app) to ask what the deal is and she said she was "blocking a bunch of people and we don't talk much anyway"
yeah she really didn't give a shit
she also admitted that she would skip school and classes she had with me strictly to avoid me. she has grown AFRAID of me. i tried to "cool it off" by telling her that ion want her to be scared etc etc. but, and this move was dumb, "i love you"
i forgot whatever else she said. i would make alt accounts just to view her posts and to save them. i would also use them to text her. i forgot almost all about it but i would be asking the simplest of questions all towards the message of "what's wrong" since she was so damn afraid of me for no good reason and she would only go "please stop talking to me" "please just leave me alone" instead of answering them. i repeated this a few times. as the next school year began, she had the same homeroom as me. i noticed a funny smile on her face, like an "oh God this'll be a long year" as she noticed that i was in her class. a couple days later, i chose to sit in the back of the class (which happened to be near her) and she put a funny smile on her face and proceeded to move seats along with her friend, who was clueless as to what the deal is. in the second period, i chose to sit right next to her (almost, different table) and her other friend knew the drill and switched spots with her so she could be "out of sight". our classes are divided into teams (basically different sets of teachers for the same subjects because of how many students there are) and she requested to switch her entire TEAM over quickly.
i would still stare at her every chance i got. i have drawn the attention of other girls at the time, however. i'd text back and forth but i never got anything to "spark". there was this one who even asked me to hangout but because i got "caught" (i snuck out through my window to get to her) i had to make my way back home before anything actually advanced. i would have these girls staying up after dark to text me and everything. they all lost any sort of interest when i slung this tray of food at my "middle school crush"'s guy friend because he confronted me over text about me and that crush. he mentioned "i see you always staring at her and it makes her very uncomfortable and she doesn't like it" i told him to "do something about it pussy" and he said "you won't do SHIT" and that's when i slung the tray of food. i wasn't trying to get in deeper trouble so i got as not-physical as i could, but still did something. the tray landed ALL over that crush and a bit on him and some others. they all had to change their clothes obviously but then the sheriff asked me to go to the principal's office. i told them that she's been crying all these crocodile tears "he makes me so uncomfortable!" "he won't leave me alone!" just because i'm doing typical "middle school guy with a crush" things (such as looking at her a bit.)
i got suspended for the stunt i pulled that day.
my father was told that the suspension was all that would happen. that was a lie. there was a meeting about me shortly after because it was a serious offense per the district rules. they announced to my parents that they were going to send me to alternative school until march or april. my parents and even teachers of mine defended me, but the principal was stubborn. he thought i was some kind of terrorist or whatever. at that new school though, things got better for me. i had a fresh social standing to work with and i even got a girlfriend. she broke up within less than two months. there isn't much to say about her. a couple months after, i began to text one of the girls i texted often before i got kicked out of my school again. i've actually liked her alongside that crush that got me kicked out of my school. i could tell she didn't really give a shit. she never texted me first and if we spoke it wasn't about anything real deep. a few months later, she begins to dislike me. she unadds me on nearly every platform and tells me to stop texting her. i ask her what the problem is and she tells me "u do weird things" and "i don't wanna associate with you" i ask her what i did that's so weird and she just blocked me. i texted her friends about it and they would NOT hop off of her dick. i got this friend of mine to relay messages of mine to her. i made him act all "hey i heard he's doing something weird what's going on" and she told him every reason on why she thinks so. she heard a false rumor regarding the crush that got me kicked out of my school that i was hiding in her bushes, camping outside of her house, and so on. i would also sneak pictures of that crush and there was proof of it. that crush also showed her screenshots of my texts to her. this girl now thinks i'm a genuine creep when i just had a crush. i made an argument back and the friend relayed it and it turned into this week-long conversation with paragraphs upon paragraphs going back and forth nonstop every day.
she was VERY stubborn and would not believe me when i said i wasn't hiding in anyone's bushes or camping outside of their houses or ANYTHING IN THAT NATURE. eventually she asked that one crush of mine and she said she didn't see me outside or anything. the girl apologized but she still thinks i'm a weirdo because there's proof of my texts with that crush and proof that i took photos of that crush. she also got her friend, who is older than the both of us, to try to beat my ass because i told this other friend of mine that ik where she lives and she took it out of context. he wasn't the only one ready to defend her either. i wasn't even gonna hurt her. she thought this old crush of mine is infallible and that "all men are weird so i wouldn't be surprised if you are a statistic"
yeah fuck these bitches they have no logic whatsoever
this one good friend of mine who goes to the school i got kicked out of has to pretend that he isn't my friend because everyone all around the school hates me because they think i'm some sort of future rapist or something. i've been deemed a creep by EVERY girl in that school and there's nothing i can do about it anymore. it's not necessarily false because i would stare at them and their asses almost all the time and i NEVER got to know them nor have i spoken to them. it's too late now i can't even try again with someone else because it has followed me all through high school so everyone has an "off" feeling about me. there have been rumors that i have been trying to get that one crush to send nudes and that i have been working towards raping her. it wasn't a joke. i hate that all these bitches do is ride eachothers dicks and play the victim and hurt me while they flourish in every other aspect of life. i hope they get raped, killed, or crippled or SOMETHING. i hate how giddy they act after ruining my life my pulling the victim card. i almost got charged because of that week-long argument. she cried these crocodile tears to her dad and her dad let the school know. i got pulled into the office with the sheriff telling me to stop texting her because it would be a harassment charge. i was not harassing her and she had all the power in the world to block me but she just HAD to keep going. she also told me "you don't need to know everything"
stfu. i do if i'm going through my most important years of school with rapist/stalker allegations on my back. i need to clear that up but no one has been listening to me. i must also add that that one crush chose to attend an entirely different high school for all four years because i was enrolled in the same one as her. everyone in my old school hates me for false reasons except for maybe five people who i've immediately told the absolute truth to. i love those friends they're the realest ones i know. i didn't mention yet how that one crush got charges pressed on me including: "harassing communications" just for texting her, which she had full control over whether that be not responding or blocking me and then there was "harassment [no physical contact]" just for talking to her in the hallway once. i said absolutely nothing bad. i never threatened her life nor have i ACTUALLY stalked her, besides on social media but that does NOT count. real stalking is what the "hiding in bushes" rumor, for example, regards. in the summer before the "kick-out" school year, a friend introduced me to the "blackpill". while it endorses total hopelessness, it has made me improve what i can no matter how futile. i've stepped outside far more and got sufficient sunlight and exercise. it has also made me eat better. it made me look somewhat better but it hasn't fixed that "uncanny" feeling most get when they're around me. i have a terrible reputation and there's no going back.
i can't just change my school district and get a fresh start. i'll always be "that one guy". every woman hates me or is indifferent to me and it seems as though i'll remain alone forever. i can't even have explained this any better because i don't remember these experiences all that well because of the bad memories associated with them. the experiences have also shifted my perception of love/attraction. i really am not innocent anymore. i frequently have fantasies of bondage, rape, feeding, killing, the list goes on. i spiral and ruminate about these things and experiences and i can't actually love a woman anymore. i've become the "creep" that they describe me as despite it not being true at first. i never wanted to be in this position but here we are. i just wanted the standard wife, offspring, and happily-ever-after. i've still been permanently damaged and i just wanna feel happy and clueless again. no real social skills, no understanding of social cues, no desire to follow social rules, it goes on. i never chose any of these attributes. i just want a happy life with someone. i want to get myself into this place to look for advice and to meet more like me.”
but I know I won’t grow anymore
