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SuicideFuel Bit of nostalgia for this song

bigantennaemay1

bigantennaemay1

Autistic social drifter without purpose or home
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From a time in my life when I thought I could escape the problems that had plagued my entire early years of my life. This song is "metal" music, just be warned, don't click if you don't like.



I don't really listen to -core music anymore, with a few exceptions here and there. But I used to listen to -core genres all the time back when I was in college for the first time; in fact, aside from Iron Maiden and Helloween, I hadn't really listened to any "metal" before then.

I remember when I left high school, I was alone, and jaded, and disappointed with the world because I had gone through all my grade school years completely friendless, all my attempts at making friends and trying to get to know people met with rejection, hostility, and derision. The summer between high school graduation and starting college I remember thinking that it was a new start for me, that this time, I would take matters into my own hands, and use my failures to make social connections during grade school and learn from them to make friends, get a girlfriend, and make professional connections who could plug me in to the professional world upon graduation.

Well obviously, that never happened, despite trying my best to integrate with my peers when I was attending college. It was a bit of a bumpy start for me in my first year of college; I didn't integrate very well at all the first year, and the major depression I had developed throughout my grade school years that I had managed to curb somewhat during my summer vacation and my initial entry to college was starting to return with this slow and painful start to a "new life" I had envisioned for myself. As a result, toward the end of my first year in college, I was separating myself from others more frequently, and spending time in quiet, dark places alone on my school-issued laptop. But I was determined back then not to give up. After my first college summer break, when I came back as a sophomore, I tried again to integrate myself socially with my peers. And this time, I was met with what I thought at the time was success: I managed to break through and be accepted as a regular member of a hangout group of students in my year who gathered in the common room of a building meant for studies and relaxation in a particular spot made up of an arrangement of couches that were dubbed a name I don't want to mention, in fear of doxxing myself, since it was rather unique, and one member of that group is exactly the type to be found browsing IT (remember, this was still at a time when I was blue pilled, and not yet part of the incel community, this was 14 years ago).

I had thought, through hard work and effort, and learning from my past mistakes in grade school, that I had finally turned my life around, that I would make friends, soon find a girlfriend through social interactions and whatnot, and have a successful, prosperous and happy life ahead of me. Other students were talking to me as if I was one of them, which was a new experience for me, certainly. To sum my grade school experiences up quickly without doing it justice, I was a complete social outcast, and the only social interactions I ever had were with bullies, playdates who were forced for a couple of years to be my "friend" by their mothers, who were friends with my mother, and a couple of students in my computer programming class in senior year of high school (though they were juniors at the time) who tolerated my presence for the year. So, I figured I was already doing better than I had ever done before. My peers even convinced me to make a Facebook account, and I added many of them on that platform. Spoiler alert: when I graduated, very few of them remained in contact with me/responded to messages, or inquiries about job opportunities, and nowadays, I'm in contact with none of them and have only one left friended on my account. :feelsbadman:

I thought I had made friends. I was also discovering new genres of music at the time, such as metalcore (the above posted song belongs to this genre), deathcore, nu metal, and gothic metal. Previously, I had really only ever listened to classical, jazz, and classic rock music. But I remember I was sitting in this designated common area whose name I shall not utter listening to Iron Maiden and Helloween from the speakers on my laptop while doing homework, and a couple of my peers took the opportunity to introduce me to the above mentioned genres (metalcore, deathcore, gothic metal) with band recommendations such as Sonic Syndicate (who made the song I linked above), Nightwish, Atreyu, and In Flames, among others. Sometime after that, I remember I discovered Suicide Silence and Salt the Wound on my own, and they became instant favorites of mine, though I despise the former now and don't listen to them anymore. On a side note, I've told a short story on this forum once before about how I used to pass out on the city bus on my way to and from school, and sometimes I would wake up with my head having fallen over on some foid's shoulder, who never made a stink about it ( :feelsree::feelsree::chad::chad::banhammer::banhammer:, I know, I know. It's the most contact I've ever had from the opposite sex outside of my own famil-- well, grandmother, who would hug me, believe me). This was usually the music I was listening to when I rode those bus rides, so this music is yet more reminder of those times, which I'll wrap up at the end of this grand essay. Anyway, those bands and their music are, for me, linked to a very important time of my life, and indeed, despite my failures, probably still the best time of my entire life up to this point.

The band Sonic Syndicate in particular brings up some particularly strong memories, because it happened to be the favorite band of one of those students who took a shine to my interests and wanted to share their music with me, and this student I thought I had formed a genuine friendship with. He had even told me it'd be cool if he and I could go to a concert together, especially a Sonic Syndicate concert, and just hang out and chill. Funnily enough, the student I thought I had built the best friendship with didn't even listen to music; but we hung out all the time on campus between classes, just chilling and doing homework and talking about life. He and I haven't spoken since he graduated. :feelsbadman: But at the time, I thought I had made friends, you know. There were a few other students I thought I had formed genuine friendships with, some who shared music interests, some who didn't, and I thought I was finally normal, finally seen as a fellow human being. I was socializing on a regular basis for the first time in my entire life, albeit only while on campus. It was readily apparent to me, even at that point in time, that I was never actually invited anywhere, and never saw anyone outside of school hours, or indeed, off the campus of the school.

I don't know what went wrong; or at least, that what I've told myself for all these years. It seems the black pill really does seep into every aspect of life, even beyond dating. Despite all my effort, despite all my research into my disability, Asperger's Syndrome, and the time I spent practicing adjusting my habits and mannerisms and movements to reflect those of normal people, it was all doomed to fail, anyway. I just couldn't integrate, whatever I tried. Getting a girlfriend isn't the only issue I've faced my entire life: I've also failed spectacularly in developing friendships and a social circle, and in my adult life, establishing a successful career. I remember struggling to find work in my field of Software Engineering after graduation, and I tried contacting some of the people I went to school with for help, to see if they knew of any open positions and could plug my name or help in any way, and I was completely ghosted. Nobody ever responded at all to any of my messages or inquiries. It was like I never existed to them. Never mattered to them. It was all a charade.

I remember drinking alcohol for the first time in my life at age 23, which was around the time I was struggling to get a job, reaching out to my peers, and receiving only silence in return. My brother invited me to share a beverage, a cherry Four Loko, and I accepted. Up until that point in my life, I was a very pure person and didn't believe in using any drugs or alcohol whatsoever, but it was a moment of weakness for me, and I gave it a try. Fast forward many years later to now, where I drink beer daily, and you can see where that's led me. All those years in college, to waste. And I was realizing, at the very least subconsciously, what was going on even then; my grades in college were slipping, on a downward spiral mirroring my downward spiral back into the depression that had plagued me all throughout middle school and high school. I was close to being kicked out of that college on several occasions due to my GPA slipping far too low for acceptance. I remember wondering if all of this was for real while I was in my junior and senior years in college, and spent much time thinking about whether or not those who I thought I had befriended would even speak to me or remember me after graduation. I remember realizing even early on that I was never invited to hang out outside of school hours, and I even tried to get myself invited somewhere or just suggest that maybe I could come along to hang out when they were talking about going out to bars and whatnot. I joined a club or two, as well, with peers having similar interests to mine, and felt out of place even there. I remember that during my senior year, I started distancing myself from everyone and finding my usual dark, quiet hangouts on campus, or even going for a walk down to the lake, because I was starting to see the writing on the wall even before graduation. Perhaps I played a part in my social isolation, and perhaps there was a fair bit of self-fulfilled prophecy involved here, but I gave it my honest best shot to socialize and make connections with other people, and could still tell that something was off, and I wasn't really being accepted, but merely tolerated, for the time being. So I retreated, into the safe spaces I found on campus, and the safe space of my mind, to hide myself away from the truth, away from what was really happening around me: my peers were rejecting me for being an ugly, autistic, worthless fucking loser.

Despite all this, I still get hit with nostalgia at times, for the most random things, just because they remind me of, or are from times when, I was in college for the first time and I still possessed hope that my life would turn around. Sonic Syndicate, Quest 64, Daggerfall, The Wheel of Time book series, just random things I engaged in at the time that bring back painful memories of what was, hilariously enough, still the best time of my life, because all the rest of my life before and since then has been worse by a significant margin. Genetic determinism is very much real, and autism is very much a death sentence in this nightmarish life if you are not the highest functioning variety. I'm below average in facial appearance, but not a gargoyle, and I'm white, and yet, I've still faced adversity the likes of which very few on this planet could match, and all despite almost a lifetime's worth of effort in trying to turn it all around and connect with the people around me. I couldn't even manage to make friends, let alone ever get a girlfriend. I've truly been fucked over by this universe beyond any sort of redemption.

tl;dr: This song represents, and reminds me personally, of a time in my life when I had hope that the trajectory of my life could be turned around, but due to my subpar genetics and specifically autism, was destined to fail, and indeed, has. It fills me both with nostalgia and sadness, as I am reminded of the hope, and the crushed dreams, I held in college so many years ago, despite the fact I don't really listen to Sonic Syndicate anymore, but just happened to tune into to it on accident tonight.
 
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bigantennaemay1

bigantennaemay1

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rentro373

rentro373

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Nice story, how long ago were you in college and what were you hoping you would become. I also use to have a lot of hope for myself when I was younger, I still have some but realize my autism and lack of good genetics wont go away.
 
bigantennaemay1

bigantennaemay1

Autistic social drifter without purpose or home
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Nice story, how long ago were you in college and what were you hoping you would become. I also use to have a lot of hope for myself when I was younger, I still have some but realize my autism and lack of good genetics wont go away.
I graduated just over a decade ago, and I hoped I would become a software engineer making 50k a year, and moving out, and getting a gf, and living a normal life, even if it had to start a little late. Though my instincts at the time were already telling me that reality was going to hit me hard, I ignored it and clung desperately onto hope. I think that hope died about 7 years ago, now.
 
AlexanderTheGreat11

AlexanderTheGreat11

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I never liked metal.

That was a nice and sad story. Did you ever talked to your brother about your issues?
 
bigantennaemay1

bigantennaemay1

Autistic social drifter without purpose or home
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I never liked metal.

That was a nice and sad story. Did you ever talked to your brother about your issues?
I've tried talking to him, but he just says the typical normgroid stuff.
 

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