I've been rotting in my room for the past six years since coming out of high school. I hate it here. My entire middle and high school consisted of just doing schoolwork, being a smart little good boy, and at lunch "sitting with" the fellow nerd-ish people without ever actually honestly talking to them. No girlfriend, no sleepovers or parties or proms or whatnot, just coming right back home on the bus and disassociating with online and vidya until going to sleep, then starting all over again.
Fuck autism. Oh, and on top of that, being poor and ugly. My SpEdface makes 100% certain that I'll never be seen as handsome by any woman, probably not even the other neurodivergent club ones. (If you want a visual, imagine Doreen from that famous r/antiwork catastrophe, I look a lot like him) Constant 4/10 fugly face with a big dose of crooked as hell teeth because I was never able to get braces I should have gotten means I am the greatest woman-repellent around.
Did I say fuck autism? I meant fuck autism with a mega-long rake so far up its ass that the handle comes out the other end. I don't have the hurr-durr Sonic/Train loving kind, I certainly don't have the smear shit on the wall kind, and nor do I have the kind that would have turned me into a condescending passive-aggressive tranny that could at least get asspats from Reddit and manchild Nintendo fans. Instead I have that extremely rare fucky variant with PDA that makes me being consistent in absolutely anything impossible, too mature for modern internet 'humor' and just all around a negative drag on absolutely anything.
And stubborn about routine and not wanting responsibilities to the point where my mom nags at me every single day and wishes she had a better son. What am I supposed to do, just somehow enjoy having to help a cripple out and be interrupted from my isolation happiness at god knows when 20-30 times a day? Or somehow enjoy the idea of going out to a menial nightmare of a job 40+ hours a week and having to deal with people I'm probably not gonna like? Fuck that.
I'm gonna NEET as long as I can until my dad with COPD finally kicks the bucket and then check myself into prison. I'll go "rob" a bank for $1 or whatever. Because I sure as hell am not about to live in a world where I'm stuck alone seeing everyone else have someone who loves them and makes their day livable while I'm stuck poor in a shitbox dreading waking up in the morning. I will not willingly put myself in the electric chair by watching everyone else live a life that I will never get the chance to. Fuck society. Fuck humanity.
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What I really should do on D-Day is end it all, of course, but I know that my mind will stop me from roping (and by roping I mean jumping onto the interstate in front of a 18 wheeler) when it really comes down to it. I want to live just barely enough to not die despite all logic making it the objective best move. No way I'll willingly suffer homelessness, I'm too smart to get into a psych ward, so the only other choice is forever living in jail where I won't have to do a damn thing. Yeah, my brain will turn into cabbage and I'll be a husk, but it's not like I'm anything else as it is anyway...
Fuck autism. Oh, and on top of that, being poor and ugly. My SpEdface makes 100% certain that I'll never be seen as handsome by any woman, probably not even the other neurodivergent club ones. (If you want a visual, imagine Doreen from that famous r/antiwork catastrophe, I look a lot like him) Constant 4/10 fugly face with a big dose of crooked as hell teeth because I was never able to get braces I should have gotten means I am the greatest woman-repellent around.
Did I say fuck autism? I meant fuck autism with a mega-long rake so far up its ass that the handle comes out the other end. I don't have the hurr-durr Sonic/Train loving kind, I certainly don't have the smear shit on the wall kind, and nor do I have the kind that would have turned me into a condescending passive-aggressive tranny that could at least get asspats from Reddit and manchild Nintendo fans. Instead I have that extremely rare fucky variant with PDA that makes me being consistent in absolutely anything impossible, too mature for modern internet 'humor' and just all around a negative drag on absolutely anything.
And stubborn about routine and not wanting responsibilities to the point where my mom nags at me every single day and wishes she had a better son. What am I supposed to do, just somehow enjoy having to help a cripple out and be interrupted from my isolation happiness at god knows when 20-30 times a day? Or somehow enjoy the idea of going out to a menial nightmare of a job 40+ hours a week and having to deal with people I'm probably not gonna like? Fuck that.
I'm gonna NEET as long as I can until my dad with COPD finally kicks the bucket and then check myself into prison. I'll go "rob" a bank for $1 or whatever. Because I sure as hell am not about to live in a world where I'm stuck alone seeing everyone else have someone who loves them and makes their day livable while I'm stuck poor in a shitbox dreading waking up in the morning. I will not willingly put myself in the electric chair by watching everyone else live a life that I will never get the chance to. Fuck society. Fuck humanity.
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What I really should do on D-Day is end it all, of course, but I know that my mind will stop me from roping (and by roping I mean jumping onto the interstate in front of a 18 wheeler) when it really comes down to it. I want to live just barely enough to not die despite all logic making it the objective best move. No way I'll willingly suffer homelessness, I'm too smart to get into a psych ward, so the only other choice is forever living in jail where I won't have to do a damn thing. Yeah, my brain will turn into cabbage and I'll be a husk, but it's not like I'm anything else as it is anyway...
