I think I went past that point because I'd get super paranoid and start having panic attacks. I'd get so scared that I can't step outside the house or lay down. I would pace in circles with my hand on my chest because my heart is racing and I'm over stimulated.
I always go overboard. I went to a rave and I got really drunk so I could actually talk to a girl. I don't remember even asking these two girls for molly, I was so wasted I overpaid for two pills. I took out a bunch of bills from the ATM hoping she'd be impressed by that which is stupid but I was wasted and barely remember. She gave me two pills and I popped them both. After like half hour I was tripping out hard and the girls got scared and took me back to their hotel room and were giving me Gatorade. I think one of them was on molly also so she was horny, she was coming on to me and it was finally my chance but I then started telling her when I punched a hole in a wall one time and that's when she freaked out and told me to leave.
This is what I mean. I could've probably hooked up if I stayed sober or in somewhat control but my anxiety takes over. It's not just about looks, there are so many girls that give me a chance and I always fuck it up. It's my anxiety and personality and the dumb shit I say that fucks me. I'm my own enemy, I always sabotage myself. Even at 40 I still can't talk to women sober and now my doctor said I have a fatty liver from drinking too much, I'm not even overweight.
