
ColdLightOfDay
Serge’s alt.
★★★★★
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2018
- Posts
- 5,704
Honestly though, if you have had depression to the extent that some here have you would understand that there are far worse things than death. Truly, for years I went to bed wishing that I would die in my sleep, every night, no exaggeration. I remembered my mother once said to me that to lose one of us through suicide would be the more painful than anything because it meant we had rejected her, which would render her incapable of ever carrying on. This was always on my mind when I came close to suicide (I even wrote the note a couple of times) and this was what stopped me, not the fear of death. I truly wished that I would die of natural causes and not have to deal with this guilt, I could never have staged it as an accident as she’s smart, knew of the extent of my depression and would never have believed it. I had a health condition at the time, which I won’t divulge, that made mere existence utterly excruciating, believe me when I say; I truly, truly wished that I would die. Having been within this mindset for so many years caused a mental change with regard to my relationship with death, and the thought of no longer existing hasn’t bothered me since I discovered first hand that there are far worse fates a man can suffer.Again, this is just speculation on your part. People with terminal illnesses are given news like that all the time and actually have to go to therapy/are given drugs because the anxiety it causes completely destroys their time left on earth. Sure, probably when death is just on the horizon, some people finally make their peace with it, especially if they're old and have lived a long and full life. The same cannot be said of the young. Not to mention being alright with it after the fact is totally different from being afraid of the prospect itself.
All I fear now is pain.