my dad was a drunk retard so i planned to stay away from alcohol forever. got through college never drinking/partying ever, worked my job diligently like a mindless zombie wageslave, and made it to the age of 25 sober and drug free. then life hit me hard out of fucking nowhere. i entered a spiral of depression when i realized how the world works. i planned to quit my job and spent my last weeks drinking on the job. i would go to a random conference room and watch trailer park boys while i got wasted.
one night i went to the roof of my building looking over the city, thinking i should just jump off. i saved up a good chunk of money from work and even fully paid off my student loans so financially speaking life was honestly kind of ok. i lived in a terrible shoebox apartment that was cheap and had very few possessions, just always trying to save money. i decided it would be stupid to die with money so i gave myself an ultimatum. i decided to spend all my money and i set out to live a "normal" life and try things that normies do like going to bars and shit. if it didn't turn out well, then i would just end it.
it started slow. i was unemployed and would go to bars a couple nights a week and try a couple random beers and practice socializing with people. i didn't understand my limits so a couple times i made it home and passed out, puking in my sleep and luckily not dying from it. my social skills improved dramatically, something i probably should have done earlier in life. alcohol made it so much easier and it was addicting. pretty soon i was going to bars almost every night and i would come home every night nearly blackout drunk and beyond depressed. i did this for over 2 years, accruing debt while unemployed and just not caring about my future anymore.
then it got worse. i realized it's so much cheaper to just buy alcohol from the store and drink at home. i would still go to bars but i would pregame at home. it started with having a case or two of drinks around then it exploded into my entire fridge basically being filled with alcohol so i would never run out. i stopped going to bars and every single night of the week i would get blackout drunk alone at home. strangely i got so used to it, like i would cook some pretty amazing meals and have 0 memory of doing it. a couple times i passed out and burned the fuck out of my food, but luckily i never started a fire.
finances were becoming a serious problem after spending so much on alcohol and being unemployed for almost 3 years, but i got lucky and got a new job that's easy and pays well. life was starting to turn around, but i still got drunk pretty much every night. then it escalated. i started drinking during the day. for a couple years the only liquid i would consume was alcohol. somehow i got away with being half drunk during the day and nobody at my job ever said anything or noticed i think. years go by and my finances are finally good again.
binge drinking every day has really taken a toll on my health. aside from it being nearly impossible to not gain weight when you consume almost 2k calories of alcohol a day, i can feel my body is starting to shut down. i have almost no energy when i wake up and sometimes i physically just can't function. this year has been brutal. i'm used to hangovers, but what i'm experiencing now isn't a hangover: it's heart disease.
i've stopped drinking as much, even going weeks or months without alcohol and i can feel my body healing when i do. however, i always slip back and start binge drinking again due to a holiday or some shit. everytime i do, i can feel myself getting closer to death. even as i write this now, i've had 50 drinks in the last 3 days, which is way, way too much.