The the classes that I take in uni has prolly 60-70 students at most and hence everyone knows everyone really. Except for me ofcourse.
Anyways we were split in a group of 6 for a group project and one of the normies looked at me and went- Dude seriously I have heard u speak only like 24 words this whole year yes I counted haha and others in the group agreed.
He is prolly right. I made some self reflection from his comments and came to some definitive conclusions -
I hate it here. I hate it so much here that each breath I take in this place suffocated me. Hence to protect myself I build a shell whenever I am here and emcase myself in it-- akin to an unsure turtle seeking refuge in it's shell.
I deliberately avoid eye contact.
Initially the teachers would go out of their way to interact with me but they too have lost hope when I never reciprocated their efforts.
I exchange some polite pleasentries with people but even they realised after a while how forced my efforts was-- socialising came naturally to them but to me it was a deliberate effort akin to me poking a thousand needles in my eyes. They have slowly started avoiding me as well.
Every moment I spend here -- it feels like I am holding a huge breath in my lungs and it physically burns my chest. I can't do this anymore. I want away. I hate it here.
I fantasize about finding an out. An exchange student program perhaps. But I am too broke for that. Maybe another country that allows in transfer students from Australia. Anything. I feel like my life is on hold the more I spend it here.
I detest everything. These people, their cultures, their customs, their self indulgent hedonism.
And yet I was born here. But they never felt MINE. They always felt foreign -- strange -- like I shouldn't belong. And I don't.
Each breath that I take here is more pained than last. Like a desperate drowing man -- flinging desperately in the cold icy voids of sea water as salt fills his lungs and burns his eyes. And just like the drowning man I desperately await my saving boat outside of this hell.
Anyways we were split in a group of 6 for a group project and one of the normies looked at me and went- Dude seriously I have heard u speak only like 24 words this whole year yes I counted haha and others in the group agreed.
He is prolly right. I made some self reflection from his comments and came to some definitive conclusions -
I hate it here. I hate it so much here that each breath I take in this place suffocated me. Hence to protect myself I build a shell whenever I am here and emcase myself in it-- akin to an unsure turtle seeking refuge in it's shell.
I deliberately avoid eye contact.
Initially the teachers would go out of their way to interact with me but they too have lost hope when I never reciprocated their efforts.
I exchange some polite pleasentries with people but even they realised after a while how forced my efforts was-- socialising came naturally to them but to me it was a deliberate effort akin to me poking a thousand needles in my eyes. They have slowly started avoiding me as well.
Every moment I spend here -- it feels like I am holding a huge breath in my lungs and it physically burns my chest. I can't do this anymore. I want away. I hate it here.
I fantasize about finding an out. An exchange student program perhaps. But I am too broke for that. Maybe another country that allows in transfer students from Australia. Anything. I feel like my life is on hold the more I spend it here.
I detest everything. These people, their cultures, their customs, their self indulgent hedonism.
And yet I was born here. But they never felt MINE. They always felt foreign -- strange -- like I shouldn't belong. And I don't.
Each breath that I take here is more pained than last. Like a desperate drowing man -- flinging desperately in the cold icy voids of sea water as salt fills his lungs and burns his eyes. And just like the drowning man I desperately await my saving boat outside of this hell.
