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I suspect maybe on this forum someone has this same existential terror I have, and perhaps you have reached a cope for it I have yet to realize. I hope someone can offer some peace of mind. Basically, the idea of a fixed soul tied to your identity, in the scope of eternity scares me. It didn't when I was younger and clinging to the idea of an afterlife, but later the implications of it started to hit me. I'll use one of the worst examples as a hypothetical to get my point across (does not apply to me, but other undesirable traits do). Let's say you are a pedophile, and it is a fundamental part of you, a sin borne in the womb you had no chance at avoiding, but you detest this aspect of yourself wholly. Whatever your religious beliefs are or lack thereof, the fact is is that no matter how far time stretches out past your life, you existed at some point in spacetime as a pedophile. There's no true escaping it in a grand sense. Even in some kumbaya Christian paradise, God tethered this sin to you without your consent. Even with your new perfect, holy body there is an echo, a shadow, of this original nature. If you're an atheist or follow an eastern mystic type of philosophy, it may not matter to you after death because you're fucking dead, but again the fact remains that if you could hit the rewind button on this universe, there you were, the pedophile. So even without a fixed soul this is a dilemma, the configuration of atoms that made you you remains in a vague sense. So peace is essentially impossible for someone with some part of themselves that on the deepest level they are at odds with, something unacceptable. Maybe you TRY to detach yourself and accept it, but you can't, it hounds you subconsciously and interferes so deeply with your identity that suicide is the only escape but as I've explained, it isn't really. What can one possibly do? The only thread of hope I can see is some vague multiverse fuckery might be able to solve it but I'm too low IQ to get there.
It truly seems like birth for some, including myself and probably many of you, is a type of (literal) cucking on an incomprehensible level. No consent, just a failure permanently stamped into the fabric of time and space because your parents were horny one night. And I don't blame them honestly, it's programming that the vast majority of people go along with and don't question. And the beauty that does exist in this world that fuels ideals is due to fucking. But ultimately if I am unable to accept myself, I can only hope for complete obliteration that goes beyond time and our lived experience in this realm. A solution the human mind can't comprehend. Of course I'd rather the good end, where a deity looks me in the eyes, says sorry about that nigga, here's why it's not a big deal, and gives me my eternal wife. And as much as I really hate most parts of my self, I deserve it. And every ugly fuck in this forum deserves love too. And the billions of lonely dead bastards that have ever existed deserved so much more than this world gave them.
It truly seems like birth for some, including myself and probably many of you, is a type of (literal) cucking on an incomprehensible level. No consent, just a failure permanently stamped into the fabric of time and space because your parents were horny one night. And I don't blame them honestly, it's programming that the vast majority of people go along with and don't question. And the beauty that does exist in this world that fuels ideals is due to fucking. But ultimately if I am unable to accept myself, I can only hope for complete obliteration that goes beyond time and our lived experience in this realm. A solution the human mind can't comprehend. Of course I'd rather the good end, where a deity looks me in the eyes, says sorry about that nigga, here's why it's not a big deal, and gives me my eternal wife. And as much as I really hate most parts of my self, I deserve it. And every ugly fuck in this forum deserves love too. And the billions of lonely dead bastards that have ever existed deserved so much more than this world gave them.
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