Back in winter i used to daydream about how good summer will be, i guess i was just blinded by how good summer was as a kid and how it’s interpreted in movies and shit but that only applies to attractive people, i guess the break form academic and social stress of school also furthered my delusions of good times. Even though i am temporarily relieved of the school stress i don’t feel like i got my deserved break so far.(„so far” like it’s gonna change
)
It’s so hard to relax when you don’t have anything in life. I thought i could count on my „friends” to have some fun and purpose, well I’ve been outside (in the sense of hanging out with somebody) only twice.
The first time with a friend that’s not really a friend from my immediate social circle. But despite not having that strong of a connection with him i still enjoyed the hangout. Also he was the one that asked to hangout which was great considering that most of the times people don’t reach out to me like that. But i quickly realised that he only went out with me because his immediate social circle was on a camp somewhere or doing something. I wasn’t really saddened about this realisation because i guessed it was to be expected. I still continue to meet up with him at football practice with our friendship being the same or slightly improved. I don’t blame him for choosing me as the absolute second option, i actually quite understand it as i don’t really know him that much, I’m also really grateful for the hangout because it was probably the best time I’ve had all summer so far.
The second was with a friend that i have a better bond with, i have known him for about 2 years and we live close to each other. I was expecting for this hangout to be a little better but i was proven wrong. I found it quite boring and felt like the friend was really self centred the whole time. On top of that he had to go home early to go on a trip somewhere. What i thought would be a day of anticipation and fun, turned out to be as boring as could be.
I’ve been ghosting some other friends for reasons mentioned in my previous post and while 2 of them were slight concern, they appeared curious rather than concerned bout me. I could tell this form the messages they sent me as they didn’t bother to really contact me. The rest of them didn’t care even slightly but i guess i was never really a friend to them. I tired of being treated entirely invisible, and even when they want something they make a secondary option(i think they just don’t want me to feel like they own me something).
Other than that I’ve been LDARing the whole summer. I mostly accepted that i won’t have a huge glow up that could change my life. Long story short it’s over.
With that being said almost half of summer has already passed and I’m filled with crippling anxiety regarding thoughts about going back to school. The thoughts are just unbearable and i don’t know how I’ll handle another school year. But after closer thought with mi current state of emptiness the only thing that will really change is the added stress.
)It’s so hard to relax when you don’t have anything in life. I thought i could count on my „friends” to have some fun and purpose, well I’ve been outside (in the sense of hanging out with somebody) only twice.
The first time with a friend that’s not really a friend from my immediate social circle. But despite not having that strong of a connection with him i still enjoyed the hangout. Also he was the one that asked to hangout which was great considering that most of the times people don’t reach out to me like that. But i quickly realised that he only went out with me because his immediate social circle was on a camp somewhere or doing something. I wasn’t really saddened about this realisation because i guessed it was to be expected. I still continue to meet up with him at football practice with our friendship being the same or slightly improved. I don’t blame him for choosing me as the absolute second option, i actually quite understand it as i don’t really know him that much, I’m also really grateful for the hangout because it was probably the best time I’ve had all summer so far.
The second was with a friend that i have a better bond with, i have known him for about 2 years and we live close to each other. I was expecting for this hangout to be a little better but i was proven wrong. I found it quite boring and felt like the friend was really self centred the whole time. On top of that he had to go home early to go on a trip somewhere. What i thought would be a day of anticipation and fun, turned out to be as boring as could be.
I’ve been ghosting some other friends for reasons mentioned in my previous post and while 2 of them were slight concern, they appeared curious rather than concerned bout me. I could tell this form the messages they sent me as they didn’t bother to really contact me. The rest of them didn’t care even slightly but i guess i was never really a friend to them. I tired of being treated entirely invisible, and even when they want something they make a secondary option(i think they just don’t want me to feel like they own me something).
Other than that I’ve been LDARing the whole summer. I mostly accepted that i won’t have a huge glow up that could change my life. Long story short it’s over.
With that being said almost half of summer has already passed and I’m filled with crippling anxiety regarding thoughts about going back to school. The thoughts are just unbearable and i don’t know how I’ll handle another school year. But after closer thought with mi current state of emptiness the only thing that will really change is the added stress.
