So latley I'm having real trouble figuring myself out.
I'm wageslaving away at 50-60hr weeks and have almost no time of work because I'm too retarded to even get up so I always work late. I'm an alien to my friends and family they all act like they care for what I want in my life or think but I see the disgust, dissapointment and incomprehension in their eyes. Might be dumb but not blind. I try to be supportive to the 2 friends I have but can't help but think that they're better off without me. (No interest in roping just moving away and breaking contact). Same with my parents or my sister. I often come to the conclusion that I am the problem of all this. Too excentric, too arrogant, my views on life too radical. I try to support my buddys and my family, ask about their lifes show genuine interest but it all just slips away, myself included.
Some time ago I was always sure of what I want to be but now I find myself flinging between to personalities that I want to be. The stoic cowboy who protects what he loves, who stands with god and family and the lunatic that just does whatever the rage dictates. I feel like a fraud and a cheap caricature of both. Thoughts of violence prevail day in day out. Just the other day I started to have fun being angry, that was a first for me. Hanging on beomes more unbearable by the hour, just want to finally lash out. I hate the life I have to lead it's just mere existence from one month to the next.
I know I'm still young (21) and have to find my place in the world and I ain't supposed to have it all together but a personality besides hate, rage and execentricism would be nice. I hope that whenever I can make the move to rural USA or Latin America things will improve. Looking in the mirror and all that stares back is exhaustion, loneliness and rage. It all sounds so dumb and cheesy and edgelord shit. But I just want to be happy. In about one month I'll travel to the Dallas and buy a car I've dreamt of for years maybe that will make it all worthwile. I feel torn and would like not to. I'm a prick and enjoy being one, seeing others get hurt makes me laugh and laugh, then I'm shocked of myself but before I know it I'm back to laughing.
I don't even know.
I'm wageslaving away at 50-60hr weeks and have almost no time of work because I'm too retarded to even get up so I always work late. I'm an alien to my friends and family they all act like they care for what I want in my life or think but I see the disgust, dissapointment and incomprehension in their eyes. Might be dumb but not blind. I try to be supportive to the 2 friends I have but can't help but think that they're better off without me. (No interest in roping just moving away and breaking contact). Same with my parents or my sister. I often come to the conclusion that I am the problem of all this. Too excentric, too arrogant, my views on life too radical. I try to support my buddys and my family, ask about their lifes show genuine interest but it all just slips away, myself included.
Some time ago I was always sure of what I want to be but now I find myself flinging between to personalities that I want to be. The stoic cowboy who protects what he loves, who stands with god and family and the lunatic that just does whatever the rage dictates. I feel like a fraud and a cheap caricature of both. Thoughts of violence prevail day in day out. Just the other day I started to have fun being angry, that was a first for me. Hanging on beomes more unbearable by the hour, just want to finally lash out. I hate the life I have to lead it's just mere existence from one month to the next.
I know I'm still young (21) and have to find my place in the world and I ain't supposed to have it all together but a personality besides hate, rage and execentricism would be nice. I hope that whenever I can make the move to rural USA or Latin America things will improve. Looking in the mirror and all that stares back is exhaustion, loneliness and rage. It all sounds so dumb and cheesy and edgelord shit. But I just want to be happy. In about one month I'll travel to the Dallas and buy a car I've dreamt of for years maybe that will make it all worthwile. I feel torn and would like not to. I'm a prick and enjoy being one, seeing others get hurt makes me laugh and laugh, then I'm shocked of myself but before I know it I'm back to laughing.
I don't even know.
