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i don’t have anyone to talk to so i’m making a post here out of desperation. i wouldnt otherwise because im paranoid lately. i’m 21 and have no ambitions. people often say 21 is still young, which is true relative to the average lifespan. so logically i have time to build a future to sustain myself. however, i think most people forget to acknowledge the issue with this logic. everyone would love to go back in time to do things differently in the past, because they have lived and experienced the consequences of not taking the appropriate action when they could have. how can i, as a 21 year old without living through the consequences of inaction take the necessary actions to build my future?
i dropped out of uni twice due to a lack of interest, would’ve probably killed myself if i didn’t because im just that much of a coward. now it’s my third try and i just can’t find the discipline or desire to try, i always procrastinate and hand in assignments 1-2 days late. what’s worse is that most graduates end up having to do a postgraduate degree because employment with just a bachelors of science is near impossible here according to job listings and asking my professors.
if i were to describe myself, it would be a subhuman coward, socially atomized due to negative reinforcement and being non-NT so i actively avoid all social interactions. the worst thing is that i have a bed and home, which is all the comfort i need to not be forced to care or worry about working hard to become competent in anything or have ambitions in education or the workforce. in terms of meaningful conversations, i havent spoken to my parents in years. the only conversations we ever have is my mom asking me to eat and my dad asking me the same questions everyday, like he’ll ask if i’m going to class tmr, or when are my exams, it’s like he has alzheimers or something at the rate which he’s asking me the same questions in such a short time frame.
i dont know what to live for, i know reality will catch up, it’s inevitable and soon i will become a manchild, but i feel no desire to stop that outcome. i yearn for the comfort of neeting and consuming media. i dodge personal responsibility and accountability for things i do not care about and view life through the lens of genes & determinism which can be both cope and the truth at the same time. i look around my peers who are working hard, and i think to myself, maybe something is just terribly wrong with me. i assume, some of them must have shittier parents, lower socioeconomic status, worst childhoods, yet they persevere through hardships. i remember asking a person once why they study so hard, they said it’s because they are afraid of failing, and they’d work hard not to succeed, but to avoid failure. a common perspective most asians have as i am one myself. i cant relate, i feel as if ive already failed, and now im just in the waiting room before my peers naturally progress but i am stuck, and then my parents and peers will start asking me when will i get a girlfriend or a job or a home or a car or go travel or stop being a loser
what am i, if not a degenerate, deserving of this life, as bestowed by his mental makeup among other things, whether you believe it’s a matter of free will or not
i dropped out of uni twice due to a lack of interest, would’ve probably killed myself if i didn’t because im just that much of a coward. now it’s my third try and i just can’t find the discipline or desire to try, i always procrastinate and hand in assignments 1-2 days late. what’s worse is that most graduates end up having to do a postgraduate degree because employment with just a bachelors of science is near impossible here according to job listings and asking my professors.
if i were to describe myself, it would be a subhuman coward, socially atomized due to negative reinforcement and being non-NT so i actively avoid all social interactions. the worst thing is that i have a bed and home, which is all the comfort i need to not be forced to care or worry about working hard to become competent in anything or have ambitions in education or the workforce. in terms of meaningful conversations, i havent spoken to my parents in years. the only conversations we ever have is my mom asking me to eat and my dad asking me the same questions everyday, like he’ll ask if i’m going to class tmr, or when are my exams, it’s like he has alzheimers or something at the rate which he’s asking me the same questions in such a short time frame.
i dont know what to live for, i know reality will catch up, it’s inevitable and soon i will become a manchild, but i feel no desire to stop that outcome. i yearn for the comfort of neeting and consuming media. i dodge personal responsibility and accountability for things i do not care about and view life through the lens of genes & determinism which can be both cope and the truth at the same time. i look around my peers who are working hard, and i think to myself, maybe something is just terribly wrong with me. i assume, some of them must have shittier parents, lower socioeconomic status, worst childhoods, yet they persevere through hardships. i remember asking a person once why they study so hard, they said it’s because they are afraid of failing, and they’d work hard not to succeed, but to avoid failure. a common perspective most asians have as i am one myself. i cant relate, i feel as if ive already failed, and now im just in the waiting room before my peers naturally progress but i am stuck, and then my parents and peers will start asking me when will i get a girlfriend or a job or a home or a car or go travel or stop being a loser
what am i, if not a degenerate, deserving of this life, as bestowed by his mental makeup among other things, whether you believe it’s a matter of free will or not
