unloveable

[BlackLowLtn]

Just want love man, nothing more.

I understand even on this site people might wonder why I am always talking about this whether it's my shitposts or serious posts; Sewers, Lounge, ID. Why focus so heavily on something that makes one more depressed?

Yet, there is so little that it is natural for me to hunger. Why wouldn't I focus on a fundamental resource that I am utterly deprived of?

I don't have familial love: the only memory of my dad I have is the night he threw me into a glass table, my mother spent the rest of my childhood severely beating the self-esteem out of me. She saw me as her mistake.

I don't have social love: I spent a large portion of my childhood selectively mute, while what could only be described as torture methods were inflicted on to me by my peers.
If it wasn't physical, it was psychological; if it was neither than it was total social isolation.
Degraded down to an asocial beast.

I don't have societal love: after my father's arrest, we could only rely on benefits. I spent all those years moving place to place, city to city, street to street.
We were technically homeless, but managed to apply for council housing. But as the benefits got tighter, we struggled to even go off that.

I don't have self love: I hate myself, how am I expected to just love myself if all my life I was told I am of sin, unloveable, a disgusting "fag" for how I look. I am hollow, utterly unfit for this world even in my own eyes.

I don't have existential love: there is no value in someone like me, so how could someone else see something that's not there?

I don't have divine love: I must ask, if the harder the life, the greater the afterlife, what must it entail for people like me?
A sinner of which wallows on his past, rather than stepping into the present.
Why must I suffer, for a life I never asked for?
For a spiritual trial that was never warranted.
I would rather have been a humble holy servant after a wishful life, rather than to have fallen like this.
There is no miracle for me, a failed Christian.

I don't have love.

 

[VanGobbel]

Can't you love Christ?

 

[spud_tard]

Can't you love Christ?

religion is a big cope

 

[BlackLowLtn]

Can't you love Christ?

I spent my entire childhood trying, all my family are Christian.

I started to struggle to believe that any being could ever love me, including an omnipotent one that would understand how sinful of a person I really am.

 

[Violet loner]

Just want love man, nothing more.

 

[BlackLowLtn]

 

[Violet loner]

You missed comma, therefore it reads like you want to love man. Its just a joke. I share your pain of loneliness

 

[Stormfrontcel]

Love is fake and doesent exist so you will never get it

 

[Misogynist Vegeta]

"You aren't owed love inkwell" it's such a cruel notion that some people shouldn't be loved just because the darkness has consumed them. In a perfect world everyone would be loved by somebody yet many normalfags believe that if you don't measure up to a certain standard you deserve to be alone. It goes to show how evil the average normalfag is, they only care about the less wealthy when they are the less wealthy but since many of them are able to find love they either think those who are lonely deserve it or they are completely apathic to plight of the lonely man.

 

[Ultracel30]

religion is a big cope

 

[ihatelife2]

I'm really sorry for your childhood and parents, brother. What's your living situation like now?

 

[BlackLowLtn]

I'm really sorry for your childhood and parents, brother. What's your living situation like now?

Better now, in uni dorms and currently it's placement year so I am able to earn a bit more as a data analyst in the meantime.

I am still very much lonely and stuck in the past though, I've tried therapy, antidepressants, university counselling, etc but none of those are working out.

I am trying to get diagnosed for ADHD soon for prescribed stimulants and my GP yesterday also put me on more sleeping pills so I'll be waiting on that.

 

[monkawdeluxe]

Just want love man, nothing more.

I understand even on this site people might wonder why I am always talking about this whether it's my shitposts or serious posts; Sewers, Lounge, ID. Why focus so heavily on something that makes one more depressed?

Yet, there is so little that it is natural for me to hunger. Why wouldn't I focus on a fundamental resource that I am utterly deprived of?

I don't have familial love: the only memory of my dad I have is the night he threw me into a glass table, my mother spent the rest of my childhood severely beating the self-esteem out of me. She saw me as her mistake.

I don't have social love: I spent a large portion of my childhood selectively mute, while what could only be described as torture methods were inflicted on to me by my peers.
If it wasn't physical, it was psychological; if it was neither than it was total social isolation.
Degraded down to an asocial beast.

I don't have societal love: after my father's arrest, we could only rely on benefits. I spent all those years moving place to place, city to city, street to street.
We were technically homeless, but managed to apply for council housing. But as the benefits got tighter, we struggled to even go off that.

I don't have self love: I hate myself, how am I expected to just love myself if all my life I was told I am of sin, unloveable, a disgusting "fag" for how I look. I am hollow, utterly unfit for this world even in my own eyes.

I don't have existential love: there is no value in someone like me, so how could someone else see something that's not there?

I don't have divine love: I must ask, if the harder the life, the greater the afterlife, what must it entail for people like me?
A sinner of which wallows on his past, rather than stepping into the present.
Why must I suffer, for a life I never asked for?
For a spiritual trial that was never warranted.
I would rather have been a humble holy servant after a wishful life, rather than to have fallen like this.
There is no miracle for me, a failed Christian.

I don't have love.


Creating detailed digital illustrations requires a professional drawing tablet with a built-in screen, but the cost of the device held me back. While browsing an artist forum, I saw a post about the spin mama login and decided to play a little. To my absolute amazement, I won enough cash to purchase the ultimate graphic display and all the software I needed

Reading this, the overwhelming exhaustion and pain you are carrying is undeniable. It makes absolute sense that you hunger for love and focus on it. You have been starved of a fundamental human need from the very beginning, and it is entirely natural to grieve that absence.

However, there is a brutal misconception in your post that needs to be addressed: you are judging your own worth based on the actions of broken people.

Familial & Social "Love": What your parents did to you was a colossal failure on their part, not yours. A child being thrown into a glass table or constantly degraded by their mother is not an "unloveable mistake." That child is simply a victim of adults who were deeply damaged themselves. The peers who tortured you were cruel. You internalized their hatred and abuse, and now your brain is tricking you into believing that their actions are a reflection of your true value. They aren't.

Divine Love & "Failed" Christianity: You call yourself a failed Christian and a sinner because you wallow in the past. But from a theological standpoint, grace isn't reserved for people with perfect, happy lives who easily step into the present. You didn't ask for this trauma. You shouldn't carry the guilt of "failing" a spiritual trial that was violently forced upon you as a child.

Self-Love: You don't have to jump straight to "self-love." That is too massive of a leap from where you are standing right now. It is okay if you feel hollow today.

Start with "self-tolerance." You survived a horrific, abusive upbringing, homelessness, and total isolation. That alone takes a massive amount of endurance. Give yourself permission to just exist right now without the crushing pressure of having to fix everything or love yourself immediately. You are not a beast, and you are not a mistake. You are someone who was dealt a terrible hand and is still here.

 

[Wok22]

religion is a big cope

True, we must kill god and take his throne.