I was abused physically/sexually as a child and this has has severely impacted my view on relationships.
I feel I am just too easy to abuse and sometimes in my worst moments of despair, I wish I had someone who'd abuse me again and then just end it for me.
I feel so broken, I don't want to form relationships with people because I feel a good man could never love someone with as much baggage as I, that I only deserve and attract people who want to abuse/take advantage of me.
My first proper relationship, my ex had pressured me a little when it came to just touching, like telling me not to move my hand when he'd touch me, I didn't mind it too much though but I understand it's a bit iffy.
But when we'd have sex sometimes it got a bit too much and I have this memory that I mainly suppressed but sometimes will pop up again where he was too rough and mean and I started crying and he just stopped and left me to cry alone with no aftercare.
And in my most recent relationship, I was under the influence of ketamine a lot and my ex took advantage of that, knowing the details of my abuse as a child and he's now taking me to court because I acted immaturely after our relationship and is trying to say the reasons I'm acting out was just to be malicious, but I never would have if he hadn't continuously taken advantage of me under the influence of ket.
I feel SO broken like there's just not way anyone could love me, I feel tainted and like a normal person would be disgusted by me.
I also feel like because I chose to stay in that relationship for so long that my lawyers/police don't believe he sexually assaulted me, that I'm making it up just because now I'm having to go to court because of his statement where he claims I drove him to suicide, they say I'm not showing remorse, why should I care, he raped me and raped our mutual friend in the exact same way, but she refuses to go to the police which I can understand but I am bearing all this legal trouble on my own and it's severely impacting my life.
He's been smear campaigning me, and when the victim's friends had come out on social media about how he abused her, people were saying she's a liar, he's also painted me out to be "abusive" but it was truly a build up of abuse I'd suffered from him to cause me to act out AFTER our relationship, not even during.
He's massively exacerbated and twisted things to fit his narrative (he even did this during our relationship) and I feel like this is just an attempt to bring me down, he isn't talented or attractive or doing anything significant with his life and I feel he resents me because I possess these things but my BPD and childhood abuse have made my life difficult within good reason, and his life sucks with no mental illness as an excuse - he used to lie about being autistic.
There's obviously more nuance but trust me when I say, his "suicidal" gestures and "self harm" aren't a result of struggle but as a tactic to make me look abusive.
He "took 32 ibuprofen" but told our mutual friend when he saw her in person that he knew it wouldn't cause harm YET STILL posted an instagram story saying I was the reason he's doing this.
It's honestly ridiculous that the legal system, lawyers, police are putting me all through this when I have a substantial documented history of abuse and mental health issues.
They read tweets where I called him fat in court for fucks sake, how is the UK real?? I don't care that a rapist is upset I called him fat, maybe don't dish out what you can't take??
sanctioned-suicide.net
