I usually feel angry or indifferent but currently I feel really sad my heart aches. I was just thinking about how there’s men who have had kisses, cuddles, sex, even with multiple women. While I just desire to be held by one girl. I try to suppress this feeling but sometimes miss it in a twisted way because it helps me reflect more on my life. I feel like I’m not capable of controlling my emotions at all. I am either neutral or flip out randomly. Only rarely am I sad now. I was really sad last year and my suicidal tendencies really went up. I promised myself I want this year to be better and honestly it really isn’t only by a tiny bit. I have been suicidal and depressed since 15 but 17-18 has been really hard for me. I still can’t even cry during this experience I’m so emotionally fucked up man, I know my autism contributes to my emotional distress, makes me not normal. I just really wish one girl in highschool would have held my hands or hugged me, talked to me. But I am not enough for them. So it has made me very angry and bitter at the world. I use to be empathetic and loving, now I’m a sick lonely freak with weird beliefs and fetishes. Man I’m such a fucking loser and all the people who have called me weird and lame were totally right about me. I know I’m still young but idk how long I can handle this.
