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Brutal This is how I cope.

L

Linesnap99

Overlord
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Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Posts
7,352
Online
52d 14h 50m
You DON'T have to read this. I know you have been through a lot. It is not your fault. Never blame yourself.
Mods please don't ban me for writing this.
This is not a brag. This is only a history of a disposable man.
I am blackpilled and I feel for my brothers in Incels.co and those beyond.

PART 1:
I grew up in a very conservative family.
My upbringing was not what someone would say child friendly. I was abused and bullied not only by my peers but also by my teachers and my mother.
My father does not say a word to my mother.
At school I didn't have any beef with anybody. I've been in small fights but I never started it.
I never associated with any groups .
I was always polite and respectful towards my friends, relatives and my elders.
I always helped people and shared my foods. I never took much for myself.
I maintained my discipline at public space.
Always a law abiding citizen.
I hate seeing foods and resources go to waste.
I had hopes to do something good for the society.
I was a good student too always submitting my homeworks and projects on time. I could grasp concepts and ideas fairly well.
I never bothered anyone.
Teachers punished me for mischieves done by other students.
At 14 I watched the first adult film.
I was never allowed to talk to any girls in my class or otherwise.
I was told to stay away from the girls by my mother.
I did exactly as she told me.
I remember one day there was a birthday of one student and she distributed candies to
all the classmates but me and one of my friend got left out. It is ok I thought.
I was never a selfish guy.
I was never after money.
Between money and information I will always choose the latter.
Never got invited to any parties .
Never had any sleepover experience.
Never even got a hug from a women beside my cousin sister. But she does not talk to me either.
Everyone thinks I am fool.
Always got treated like an animal or a criminal.
Back when I was in school I looked at many girls never but never even got to say hello.
I once sent a friend request to a girl was a classmate through facebook. The outcome was negative.
I saw my friends having multiple girlfriends and boyfriends.
My bullies got it.

I was a shy guy , an introvert.
I don't even click my pictures with family.
I have no picture of myself with any friend or relatives. I had a reason for that, I don't want to ruin the picture because I know I have a condition and do not have symmetry.
I don't want people to feel bad looking at the pictures.
I know people do not like to see a not so normal looking guy. I accept that.

I completed my graduation in 2017.
Nothing changed during all those years. Only the four walls and the faces of those in the room changed.
All these years all I did was going to class and coming back home.
No memorable moments other than the GAMES and their plots.
I thought this would be a good time to apply for a job.
But my mother always changes plans and I had to do exactly that.
She made me join university to pursue another degree. I did that.
I had to beg her to buy me a motocycle.
Thankfully my father agreed to buy me one and I got a Suzuki.
My father will do whatever my mother says.
I like to read philosophies. It is another pleasure in life.
I understood the concept of how not to create ripples in other peoples' lives.


PART 2:
It was either the first or the third day at the university class that I witnessed this tall, slim and well dressed creature with short hair.
I was instantly curious about this being. Who could it be. Where is she from.

A few days later , somehow I made enough courage and determination to introduce myself to her. I shook her hand. That was one of the best moments in my life.

Many months passed. I saw her day in day out. I genuinly wanted to know about her. About her likes and dislikes.
One day I was having an energy drink during the luchtime and I happen to see her going somewhere alone. I don't know how it happend but I went to her and gave her some redbull to drink. She took a sip.

"Every SEQUENCE of events ,actions and dialogues with her are imprinted on my mind".

I took that redbull can with me and stored it in a safeplace in my cabinet. It was VERY special. I just could not throw it.

I never simped for any girl ever, never was a guy who would approach a women.
I was never desperate or needy but I 've seen many guys do that on social media and in real life. I never needed to.

My primary goal was to get a job and take care of my parents. Never had any plans to marry or start a family because of the condition I have. I would not want anyone, to go through this.

Days passed I thought I could give her a lift on my suzuki maybe for once atleast.

I watched her pictures and videos she posted on her instagram.
I am not a social media user or an account holder.
I watched her during and after the class. She stayed at the dorm back in 2018. I stayed back everyday just to watch her walk with her friends to her room.

People may call it an obsession but I call it passion. I dreamed about her.
I normally don't dream about people.

It is not only about having physical intimacy with a girl you like but also having a conversation and the feeling of trust and knowing that there is someone who will always be with you just to share the joys and sorrows of life.

One whole year passed. I could not even concentrate on my tests properly.
I saw her with some of the guys. That has to be the saddest feeling ever.

PART 3:
On march 2019 , out of the blue one evening I got a message in whatsapp from an unsaved number.
It was HER.

To this day I cannot believe that she did that.
We talked for a few days and one day I asked her if I could giver her a life.
She replied with a yes.

Next day we rode together on my Suzuki to class. Nobody can understand how rare that event is.

She is a dream maker and she made a dream come true. How could you not like someone who does that for you.

Maybe she was just trying to use me. I am well aware of that. I have seen enough guys fall into that trap.

Things went great for a few days.
She even invited me to her house.
Not even my friends invite me over but she did.
At first I hesistated but I knew very well I could never have it again so I obliged.

In a sense I can see the FUTURE. I can anticipate whats coming.

Another semester ,few more tests.
I usually travel by public transport even though I had the motorcycle. I was not given enough money for the fuel.

On one of the day I took the car after taking permission from my mother and went for a long drive to a buddhist shrine with the girl and her two girl friends. We stopped to have a pizza.
That was a real BLACKSWAN event.

This was the only time ever in my life that I had a girl sat beside me. But I knew, even though she is close ,she is very far at the same time.

She took some pictures at the spot. I could not even look at her properly with my anxiety and shyness around people and especially women.

We headed back home.

CRASH.

I bumped into a pickup and my headlight broke and the bumper got damaged.

I waa under lot of stress. My mother was calking every few minutes why I am not home and I had test the next day. My fuel was low and I hadn't eaten much that day and traffic as usual.

I knew i would not be allowed to drive the car for a long time.
I dropped her at her doorstep. I barely had any fuel left. She did wanted to pay for the fuel but I refused.

I could not attend classes. Chains of events happend.
Every day I saw her in class , she was always with the other guys. She sat with them. Dances in front of them. Talks to them. Seats with them.

It was painful to watch that. I could NOT take it anymore.
I was at the verge of losing my sanity. And I was not doing well at giving presentation as I am not comfortable speaking to a large audience.

I had to take a major decision.

I LEFT. I DISCONTINUED. I DROPPED OUT.

I never thought I would do that. But I did that for my wellbeing and my mental health.

PART 4:

I never had any chance. I know a few things about human nature.
After that I did some thorough research on various aspects of life.
Found out this forum and my life changed.

I found the Blackpill. I took it and it set me free.

I understood the hypergamous behaviour of women.
And the general tendencies of humans to favour good looks. Nothing wrong with that.
But the most brutal reality is that the girl I really want to spend time with objectively speaking there are hotter girls than her.

I never chased after any girls.Never harrassed or tried to harm anyone.

Always treated people with empathy and kindness as I was told by the teachers, elders and spiritual leaders.

What did I get in return for all this. Not even a kiss.

'What can I really do to get what I want. I wanted to have a good time with her.
Do I need to become a dog who will run after every girl he sees.
Do I need to lower my standards to have some intimacy.
How much do I need to earn to have her.
Is there even a price for intimacy.'

I feel sad for guys who never even encountered any women in their lives to share any meaningful moments. I feel sad for myself too.

I want to hate her but I cannot.
I want to forget her but I cannot , not because I won't be able to get another girl but now that I took the blackpill I can see right through the lies.

Only through her I got the blackpill.

The realisation that I could never have her or any chance with her is heartbreaking.
I cannot comprehend the fact that I LOST her.

I never wanted her to leave.

BLACKPILL has the power to destroy you or save you.
I think I lost a part of me but on the bright side I now know the truth, most of it.

I get nightmares nowadays that I would have to spend the rest of my days without her.
I am not worshipping her.

I just cannot let her go. I have to I know. I will try.

After I left her the institution, her instagram account was private and now its totally disappeared , maybe she changed her name, maybe she does not want certain people to see her pictures.

The more I studied about the society the more I hated it. It is all corrupted.

I had an idea about it but after going through countless studies, experiments, articles, first hand experiences of other people many things became clear.

I though about getting a job but that will be pointless.

Why would I care for a world that never cared for me.

I did everything on my part to be a better man.

But there is no reward for my suffering.

Can you imagine that , 25 years of no life experience.
Not even a kiss. Not even a hug.

I cannot even CRY anymore. Tears don't seem to come out nowadays thanks to Blackpill.

I am doing my best to remove her image from my mind.

I liked her because of the way she carried herself. Not like other girls I have seen.
She was not generic.

I learnt that her hairstyle was called cleopatra bob.

I know she is just like any other girl. Hypergamous , will only go for the chads.
Will only want those guys who will leave her after pumping her.
Will only talk to those guys who treats her like shit.

I want to forget her. I just don't know how.
I sketched her. It was total madness.This is pure faith.

I am mentally stable but the emotions are fucked after years of isolation and deprivation.

I don't want to fuck every girl I see.
I do not go around giving gifts or try to impress anyone.
And would it make if I had approach other women. They don't even acknowledge my presence.
I don't even look at girls anymore.
I don't enjoy porn.
Nowadays I watch porn just to remind myself that I will never have that.

Boyos if everything goes south I would be at the BRIDGE.

Maybe the crash was bound to happen. Maybe everything is predetermined.


I will never be able to say goodbye to her.

She is humanities major.
 
LDARbeforeROPE

LDARbeforeROPE

Omega Male
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Posts
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Im gonna read this, you sound serious
Linesnap99 said:
You DON'T have to read this. I know you have been through a lot. It is not your fault. Never blame yourself.
Yea it sounds like your worshiping this girl with how much you think about her and all, I don't know if you are completely black-pilled. You do realize that deep down she is just like the rest right? You kind of sound like a simp......, she probably doesn't give a shit about you yet she lives in your head rent free
 
Last edited:
Copexodius Maximus

Copexodius Maximus

Supreme Incel Commander in Chief
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Dr. Dicklet

Dr. Dicklet

Simps are the disease....and I am the cure
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Joined
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LDARbeforeROPE said:
Im gonna read this, you sound serious

Yea it sounds like your worshiping this girl with how much you think about her and all, I don't know if you are completely black-pilled. You do realize that deep down she is just like the rest right? You kind of sound like a simp......, she probably doesn't give a shit about you yet she lives in your head rent free
Based and true
 
Sadandangrycel

Sadandangrycel

Mythic
Joined
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Online
41d 1h 1m
Holy fuck you were bluepilled amd still kinda are
 
LDARbeforeROPE

LDARbeforeROPE

Omega Male
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Sadandangrycel said:
Holy fuck you were bluepilled amd still kinda are
This
 
FUCKITALLREEE

FUCKITALLREEE

5'7 LDARing Neet Truecel
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Joined
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Major, hardcore simping, but now you know better.
She and her friends used you for rides and food like a betabuck, then ghosted you for the next chad which they probably fucked the same day they met.
Always remember, AWALT.
 
L

Linesnap99

Overlord
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Joined
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Posts
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FUCKITALLREEE said:
Major, hardcore simping, but now you know better.
She and her friends used you for rides and food like a betabuck, then ghosted you for the next chad which they probably fucked the same day they met.
Always remember, AWALT.
Yup. So brutal.
Sadandangrycel said:
Holy fuck you were bluepilled amd still kinda are
I was. Definetly not now.
 
Deleted member 21768

Deleted member 21768

Short-Fused Oldcel
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Sadandangrycel said:
Holy fuck you were bluepilled amd still kinda are
With that kind of a spoiler, I think if I read it I would just rage.
 
L

Linesnap99

Overlord
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Joined
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Posts
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LDARbeforeROPE said:
Im gonna read this, you sound serious

Yea it sounds like your worshiping this girl with how much you think about her and all, I don't know if you are completely black-pilled. You do realize that deep down she is just like the rest right? You kind of sound like a simp......, she probably doesn't give a shit about you yet she lives in your head rent free
I know nobody gives a shit about me. I don't even want to see her because it will only make me rage , dissapointed. And I threw the redbull can.
 
The Abyss

The Abyss

Aspergerscel. Cope 'til you rope.
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Use your time & energy for copes or revenge on those that wrong you, don't waste time pursuing these cunts that care nothing for you. You followed the rules & got fuck all.
 
L

Linesnap99

Overlord
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Joined
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The Abyss said:
Use your time & energy for copes or revenge on those that wrong you, don't waste time pursuing these cunts that care nothing for you. You followed the rules & got fuck all.
Well said.
Guykild said:
With that kind of a spoiler, I think if I read it I would just rage.
It's your call.
 
Last edited:
R

RollD20

I just want handholding
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Only read 5 sentences
 
L

Linesnap99

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RollD20 said:
Only read 5 sentences
Smart choise. I wrote this as I was going through a rough episode of depression. I didn't know what else to do. I just wrote this to take my mind off. I was writing about my oneitis. I actually tried approaching her but everytime it was like she was late for something, or has some business. Now I know why. Blackpill forever.
 
Deleted member 32037

Deleted member 32037

Overseer of Cope
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Linesnap99 said:
You DON'T have to read this. I know you have been through a lot. It is not your fault. Never blame yourself.
Mods please don't ban me for writing this.
This is not a brag. This is only a history of a disposable man.
I am blackpilled and I feel for my brothers in Incels.co and those beyond.

PART 1:
I grew up in a very conservative family.
My upbringing was not what someone would say child friendly. I was abused and bullied not only by my peers but also by my teachers and my mother.
My father does not say a word to my mother.
At school I didn't have any beef with anybody. I've been in small fights but I never started it.
I never associated with any groups .
I was always polite and respectful towards my friends, relatives and my elders.
I always helped people and shared my foods. I never took much for myself.
I maintained my discipline at public space.
Always a law abiding citizen.
I hate seeing foods and resources go to waste.
I had hopes to do something good for the society.
I was a good student too always submitting my homeworks and projects on time. I could grasp concepts and ideas fairly well.
I never bothered anyone.
Teachers punished me for mischieves done by other students.
At 14 I watched the first adult film.
I was never allowed to talk to any girls in my class or otherwise.
I was told to stay away from the girls by my mother.
I did exactly as she told me.
I remember one day there was a birthday of one student and she distributed candies to
all the classmates but me and one of my friend got left out. It is ok I thought.
I was never a selfish guy.
I was never after money.
Between money and information I will always choose the latter.
Never got invited to any parties .
Never had any sleepover experience.
Never even got a hug from a women beside my cousin sister. But she does not talk to me either.
Everyone thinks I am fool.
Always got treated like an animal or a criminal.
Back when I was in school I looked at many girls never but never even got to say hello.
I once sent a friend request to a girl was a classmate through facebook. The outcome was negative.
I saw my friends having multiple girlfriends and boyfriends.
My bullies got it.

I was a shy guy , an introvert.
I don't even click my pictures with family.
I have no picture of myself with any friend or relatives. I had a reason for that, I don't want to ruin the picture because I know I have a condition and do not have symmetry.
I don't want people to feel bad looking at the pictures.
I know people do not like to see a not so normal looking guy. I accept that.

I completed my graduation in 2017.
Nothing changed during all those years. Only the four walls and the faces of those in the room changed.
All these years all I did was going to class and coming back home.
No memorable moments other than the GAMES and their plots.
I thought this would be a good time to apply for a job.
But my mother always changes plans and I had to do exactly that.
She made me join university to pursue another degree. I did that.
I had to beg her to buy me a motocycle.
Thankfully my father agreed to buy me one and I got a Suzuki.
My father will do whatever my mother says.
I like to read philosophies. It is another pleasure in life.
I understood the concept of how not to create ripples in other peoples' lives.


PART 2:
It was either the first or the third day at the university class that I witnessed this tall, slim and well dressed creature with short hair.
I was instantly curious about this being. Who could it be. Where is she from.

A few days later , somehow I made enough courage and determination to introduce myself to her. I shook her hand. That was one of the best moments in my life.

Many months passed. I saw her day in day out. I genuinly wanted to know about her. About her likes and dislikes.
One day I was having an energy drink during the luchtime and I happen to see her going somewhere alone. I don't know how it happend but I went to her and gave her some redbull to drink. She took a sip.

"Every SEQUENCE of events ,actions and dialogues with her are imprinted on my mind".

I took that redbull can with me and stored it in a safeplace in my cabinet. It was VERY special. I just could not throw it.

I never simped for any girl ever, never was a guy who would approach a women.
I was never desperate or needy but I 've seen many guys do that on social media and in real life. I never needed to.

My primary goal was to get a job and take care of my parents. Never had any plans to marry or start a family because of the condition I have. I would not want anyone, to go through this.

Days passed I thought I could give her a lift on my suzuki maybe for once atleast.

I watched her pictures and videos she posted on her instagram.
I am not a social media user or an account holder.
I watched her during and after the class. She stayed at the dorm back in 2018. I stayed back everyday just to watch her walk with her friends to her room.

People may call it an obsession but I call it passion. I dreamed about her.
I normally don't dream about people.

It is not only about having physical intimacy with a girl you like but also having a conversation and the feeling of trust and knowing that there is someone who will always be with you just to share the joys and sorrows of life.

One whole year passed. I could not even concentrate on my tests properly.
I saw her with some of the guys. That has to be the saddest feeling ever.

PART 3:
On march 2019 , out of the blue one evening I got a message in whatsapp from an unsaved number.
It was HER.

To this day I cannot believe that she did that.
We talked for a few days and one day I asked her if I could giver her a life.
She replied with a yes.

Next day we rode together on my Suzuki to class. Nobody can understand how rare that event is.

She is a dream maker and she made a dream come true. How could you not like someone who does that for you.

Maybe she was just trying to use me. I am well aware of that. I have seen enough guys fall into that trap.

Things went great for a few days.
She even invited me to her house.
Not even my friends invite me over but she did.
At first I hesistated but I knew very well I could never have it again so I obliged.

In a sense I can see the FUTURE. I can anticipate whats coming.

Another semester ,few more tests.
I usually travel by public transport even though I had the motorcycle. I was not given enough money for the fuel.

On one of the day I took the car after taking permission from my mother and went for a long drive to a buddhist shrine with the girl and her two girl friends. We stopped to have a pizza.
That was a real BLACKSWAN event.

This was the only time ever in my life that I had a girl sat beside me. But I knew, even though she is close ,she is very far at the same time.

She took some pictures at the spot. I could not even look at her properly with my anxiety and shyness around people and especially women.

We headed back home.

CRASH.

I bumped into a pickup and my headlight broke and the bumper got damaged.

I waa under lot of stress. My mother was calking every few minutes why I am not home and I had test the next day. My fuel was low and I hadn't eaten much that day and traffic as usual.

I knew i would not be allowed to drive the car for a long time.
I dropped her at her doorstep. I barely had any fuel left. She did wanted to pay for the fuel but I refused.

I could not attend classes. Chains of events happend.
Every day I saw her in class , she was always with the other guys. She sat with them. Dances in front of them. Talks to them. Seats with them.

It was painful to watch that. I could NOT take it anymore.
I was at the verge of losing my sanity. And I was not doing well at giving presentation as I am not comfortable speaking to a large audience.

I had to take a major decision.

I LEFT. I DISCONTINUED. I DROPPED OUT.

I never thought I would do that. But I did that for my wellbeing and my mental health.

PART 4:

I never had any chance. I know a few things about human nature.
After that I did some thorough research on various aspects of life.
Found out this forum and my life changed.

I found the Blackpill. I took it and it set me free.

I understood the hypergamous behaviour of women.
And the general tendencies of humans to favour good looks. Nothing wrong with that.
But the most brutal reality is that the girl I really want to spend time with objectively speaking there are hotter girls than her.

I never chased after any girls.Never harrassed or tried to harm anyone.

Always treated people with empathy and kindness as I was told by the teachers, elders and spiritual leaders.

What did I get in return for all this. Not even a kiss.

'What can I really do to get what I want. I wanted to have a good time with her.
Do I need to become a dog who will run after every girl he sees.
Do I need to lower my standards to have some intimacy.
How much do I need to earn to have her.
Is there even a price for intimacy.'

I feel sad for guys who never even encountered any women in their lives to share any meaningful moments. I feel sad for myself too.

I want to hate her but I cannot.
I want to forget her but I cannot , not because I won't be able to get another girl but now that I took the blackpill I can see right through the lies.

Only through her I got the blackpill.

The realisation that I could never have her or any chance with her is heartbreaking.
I cannot comprehend the fact that I LOST her.

I never wanted her to leave.

BLACKPILL has the power to destroy you or save you.
I think I lost a part of me but on the bright side I now know the truth, most of it.

I get nightmares nowadays that I would have to spend the rest of my days without her.
I am not worshipping her.

I just cannot let her go. I have to I know. I will try.

After I left her the institution, her instagram account was private and now its totally disappeared , maybe she changed her name, maybe she does not want certain people to see her pictures.

The more I studied about the society the more I hated it. It is all corrupted.

I had an idea about it but after going through countless studies, experiments, articles, first hand experiences of other people many things became clear.

I though about getting a job but that will be pointless.

Why would I care for a world that never cared for me.

I did everything on my part to be a better man.

But there is no reward for my suffering.

Can you imagine that , 25 years of no life experience.
Not even a kiss. Not even a hug.

I cannot even CRY anymore. Tears don't seem to come out nowadays thanks to Blackpill.

I am doing my best to remove her image from my mind.

I liked her because of the way she carried herself. Not like other girls I have seen.
She was not generic.

I learnt that her hairstyle was called cleopatra bob.

I know she is just like any other girl. Hypergamous , will only go for the chads.
Will only want those guys who will leave her after pumping her.
Will only talk to those guys who treats her like shit.

I want to forget her. I just don't know how.
I sketched her. It was total madness.This is pure faith.

I am mentally stable but the emotions are fucked after years of isolation and deprivation.

I don't want to fuck every girl I see.
I do not go around giving gifts or try to impress anyone.
And would it make if I had approach other women. They don't even acknowledge my presence.
I don't even look at girls anymore.
I don't enjoy porn.
Nowadays I watch porn just to remind myself that I will never have that.

Boyos if everything goes south I would be at the BRIDGE.

Maybe the crash was bound to happen. Maybe everything is predetermined.


I will never be able to say goodbye to her.

She is humanities major.
so u dropped out of school because of a foid? lol
 
L

Linesnap99

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Cafecel said:
so u dropped out of school because of a foid? lol
I dropped out of post graduation, not because of some foid but due to the circumstances I was in. I had no choise.
 
grondilu

grondilu

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Linesnap99 said:
You DON'T have to read this.
 
Last edited:
Deleted member 32037

Deleted member 32037

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Linesnap99 said:
I dropped out of post graduation, not because of some foid but due to the circumstances I was in. I had no choise.
lol so you DROPPED out post graduation? So you still get the degree? I'm confused. If you dropped you and u didn't get a degree, you are a FOID worshipper.
She lives rent free in your head and she doesn't even know you exist.
 
L

Linesnap99

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Cafecel said:
lol so you DROPPED out post graduation? So you still get the degree? I'm confused. If you dropped you and u didn't get a degree, you are a FOID worshipper.
She lives rent free in your head and she doesn't even know you exist.
No, I did not get the degree. There is a bigger picture here, I could have got the degree, but then whats the point. I would loose her anyway. And why would I wage slave for nothing. Definetly not a foid worshipper but I needed something /someone to hold onto. On top of that I would not even be hired by the companies, they will hire her or the chads instead. She is working btw now which proves my point. Their is a limit to how much humiliation a man can endure. But whatever happened it led me to the BLACKPILL.
 
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Linesnap99 said:
No, I did not get the degree. There is a bigger picture here, I could have got the degree, but then whats the point. I would loose her anyway. And why would I wage slave for nothing. Definetly not a foid worshipper but I needed something /someone to hold onto. On top of that I would not even be hired by the companies, they will hire her or the chads instead. She is working btw now which proves my point. Their is a limit to how much humiliation a man can endure. But whatever happened it led me to the BLACKPILL.
So u were literally post graduation all u had to do was accept the degree.. Come on man seriously. So what are u doing now?
 
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Linesnap99

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Cafecel said:
So u were literally post graduation all u had to do was accept the degree.. Come on man seriously. So what are u doing now?
NEETing. What do u expect me to do ,go do social service for whores or sex having grandpa or granny.
 
Dregster666

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Sadandangrycel said:
Holy fuck you were bluepilled amd still kinda are
Tbh
 
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Nice story. The final makes it 100% better
(humanities major)
 
keksofthebest

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Too long didn't read. it's over for lowiqcels
 
NorthernWind

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Linesnap99 said:
Always treated people with empathy and kindness as I was told by the teachers, elders and spiritual leaders.
These people care about perpetuation of their teachings, they don't specifically care about you.
 
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Deleted member 34196

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Linesnap99 said:
You DON'T have to read this. I know you have been through a lot. It is not your fault. Never blame yourself.
Mods please don't ban me for writing this.
This is not a brag. This is only a history of a disposable man.
I am blackpilled and I feel for my brothers in Incels.co and those beyond.

PART 1:
I grew up in a very conservative family.
My upbringing was not what someone would say child friendly. I was abused and bullied not only by my peers but also by my teachers and my mother.
My father does not say a word to my mother.
At school I didn't have any beef with anybody. I've been in small fights but I never started it.
I never associated with any groups .
I was always polite and respectful towards my friends, relatives and my elders.
I always helped people and shared my foods. I never took much for myself.
I maintained my discipline at public space.
Always a law abiding citizen.
I hate seeing foods and resources go to waste.
I had hopes to do something good for the society.
I was a good student too always submitting my homeworks and projects on time. I could grasp concepts and ideas fairly well.
I never bothered anyone.
Teachers punished me for mischieves done by other students.
At 14 I watched the first adult film.
I was never allowed to talk to any girls in my class or otherwise.
I was told to stay away from the girls by my mother.
I did exactly as she told me.
I remember one day there was a birthday of one student and she distributed candies to
all the classmates but me and one of my friend got left out. It is ok I thought.
I was never a selfish guy.
I was never after money.
Between money and information I will always choose the latter.
Never got invited to any parties .
Never had any sleepover experience.
Never even got a hug from a women beside my cousin sister. But she does not talk to me either.
Everyone thinks I am fool.
Always got treated like an animal or a criminal.
Back when I was in school I looked at many girls never but never even got to say hello.
I once sent a friend request to a girl was a classmate through facebook. The outcome was negative.
I saw my friends having multiple girlfriends and boyfriends.
My bullies got it.

I was a shy guy , an introvert.
I don't even click my pictures with family.
I have no picture of myself with any friend or relatives. I had a reason for that, I don't want to ruin the picture because I know I have a condition and do not have symmetry.
I don't want people to feel bad looking at the pictures.
I know people do not like to see a not so normal looking guy. I accept that.

I completed my graduation in 2017.
Nothing changed during all those years. Only the four walls and the faces of those in the room changed.
All these years all I did was going to class and coming back home.
No memorable moments other than the GAMES and their plots.
I thought this would be a good time to apply for a job.
But my mother always changes plans and I had to do exactly that.
She made me join university to pursue another degree. I did that.
I had to beg her to buy me a motocycle.
Thankfully my father agreed to buy me one and I got a Suzuki.
My father will do whatever my mother says.
I like to read philosophies. It is another pleasure in life.
I understood the concept of how not to create ripples in other peoples' lives.


PART 2:
It was either the first or the third day at the university class that I witnessed this tall, slim and well dressed creature with short hair.
I was instantly curious about this being. Who could it be. Where is she from.

A few days later , somehow I made enough courage and determination to introduce myself to her. I shook her hand. That was one of the best moments in my life.

Many months passed. I saw her day in day out. I genuinly wanted to know about her. About her likes and dislikes.
One day I was having an energy drink during the luchtime and I happen to see her going somewhere alone. I don't know how it happend but I went to her and gave her some redbull to drink. She took a sip.

"Every SEQUENCE of events ,actions and dialogues with her are imprinted on my mind".

I took that redbull can with me and stored it in a safeplace in my cabinet. It was VERY special. I just could not throw it.

I never simped for any girl ever, never was a guy who would approach a women.
I was never desperate or needy but I 've seen many guys do that on social media and in real life. I never needed to.

My primary goal was to get a job and take care of my parents. Never had any plans to marry or start a family because of the condition I have. I would not want anyone, to go through this.

Days passed I thought I could give her a lift on my suzuki maybe for once atleast.

I watched her pictures and videos she posted on her instagram.
I am not a social media user or an account holder.
I watched her during and after the class. She stayed at the dorm back in 2018. I stayed back everyday just to watch her walk with her friends to her room.

People may call it an obsession but I call it passion. I dreamed about her.
I normally don't dream about people.

It is not only about having physical intimacy with a girl you like but also having a conversation and the feeling of trust and knowing that there is someone who will always be with you just to share the joys and sorrows of life.

One whole year passed. I could not even concentrate on my tests properly.
I saw her with some of the guys. That has to be the saddest feeling ever.

PART 3:
On march 2019 , out of the blue one evening I got a message in whatsapp from an unsaved number.
It was HER.

To this day I cannot believe that she did that.
We talked for a few days and one day I asked her if I could giver her a life.
She replied with a yes.

Next day we rode together on my Suzuki to class. Nobody can understand how rare that event is.

She is a dream maker and she made a dream come true. How could you not like someone who does that for you.

Maybe she was just trying to use me. I am well aware of that. I have seen enough guys fall into that trap.

Things went great for a few days.
She even invited me to her house.
Not even my friends invite me over but she did.
At first I hesistated but I knew very well I could never have it again so I obliged.

In a sense I can see the FUTURE. I can anticipate whats coming.

Another semester ,few more tests.
I usually travel by public transport even though I had the motorcycle. I was not given enough money for the fuel.

On one of the day I took the car after taking permission from my mother and went for a long drive to a buddhist shrine with the girl and her two girl friends. We stopped to have a pizza.
That was a real BLACKSWAN event.

This was the only time ever in my life that I had a girl sat beside me. But I knew, even though she is close ,she is very far at the same time.

She took some pictures at the spot. I could not even look at her properly with my anxiety and shyness around people and especially women.

We headed back home.

CRASH.

I bumped into a pickup and my headlight broke and the bumper got damaged.

I waa under lot of stress. My mother was calking every few minutes why I am not home and I had test the next day. My fuel was low and I hadn't eaten much that day and traffic as usual.

I knew i would not be allowed to drive the car for a long time.
I dropped her at her doorstep. I barely had any fuel left. She did wanted to pay for the fuel but I refused.

I could not attend classes. Chains of events happend.
Every day I saw her in class , she was always with the other guys. She sat with them. Dances in front of them. Talks to them. Seats with them.

It was painful to watch that. I could NOT take it anymore.
I was at the verge of losing my sanity. And I was not doing well at giving presentation as I am not comfortable speaking to a large audience.

I had to take a major decision.

I LEFT. I DISCONTINUED. I DROPPED OUT.

I never thought I would do that. But I did that for my wellbeing and my mental health.

PART 4:

I never had any chance. I know a few things about human nature.
After that I did some thorough research on various aspects of life.
Found out this forum and my life changed.

I found the Blackpill. I took it and it set me free.

I understood the hypergamous behaviour of women.
And the general tendencies of humans to favour good looks. Nothing wrong with that.
But the most brutal reality is that the girl I really want to spend time with objectively speaking there are hotter girls than her.

I never chased after any girls.Never harrassed or tried to harm anyone.

Always treated people with empathy and kindness as I was told by the teachers, elders and spiritual leaders.

What did I get in return for all this. Not even a kiss.

'What can I really do to get what I want. I wanted to have a good time with her.
Do I need to become a dog who will run after every girl he sees.
Do I need to lower my standards to have some intimacy.
How much do I need to earn to have her.
Is there even a price for intimacy.'

I feel sad for guys who never even encountered any women in their lives to share any meaningful moments. I feel sad for myself too.

I want to hate her but I cannot.
I want to forget her but I cannot , not because I won't be able to get another girl but now that I took the blackpill I can see right through the lies.

Only through her I got the blackpill.

The realisation that I could never have her or any chance with her is heartbreaking.
I cannot comprehend the fact that I LOST her.

I never wanted her to leave.

BLACKPILL has the power to destroy you or save you.
I think I lost a part of me but on the bright side I now know the truth, most of it.

I get nightmares nowadays that I would have to spend the rest of my days without her.
I am not worshipping her.

I just cannot let her go. I have to I know. I will try.

After I left her the institution, her instagram account was private and now its totally disappeared , maybe she changed her name, maybe she does not want certain people to see her pictures.

The more I studied about the society the more I hated it. It is all corrupted.

I had an idea about it but after going through countless studies, experiments, articles, first hand experiences of other people many things became clear.

I though about getting a job but that will be pointless.

Why would I care for a world that never cared for me.

I did everything on my part to be a better man.

But there is no reward for my suffering.

Can you imagine that , 25 years of no life experience.
Not even a kiss. Not even a hug.

I cannot even CRY anymore. Tears don't seem to come out nowadays thanks to Blackpill.

I am doing my best to remove her image from my mind.

I liked her because of the way she carried herself. Not like other girls I have seen.
She was not generic.

I learnt that her hairstyle was called cleopatra bob.

I know she is just like any other girl. Hypergamous , will only go for the chads.
Will only want those guys who will leave her after pumping her.
Will only talk to those guys who treats her like shit.

I want to forget her. I just don't know how.
I sketched her. It was total madness.This is pure faith.

I am mentally stable but the emotions are fucked after years of isolation and deprivation.

I don't want to fuck every girl I see.
I do not go around giving gifts or try to impress anyone.
And would it make if I had approach other women. They don't even acknowledge my presence.
I don't even look at girls anymore.
I don't enjoy porn.
Nowadays I watch porn just to remind myself that I will never have that.

Boyos if everything goes south I would be at the BRIDGE.

Maybe the crash was bound to happen. Maybe everything is predetermined.


I will never be able to say goodbye to her.

She is humanities major.
I just cuddle with my bodypillow each time i feel like ass.
 
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