PlebbyMenes
Codecel
★★
- Joined
- May 12, 2023
- Posts
- 112
I love life.
I really do. As a 30 year old, I have been through many of the highs and lows that life can offer. I have reached an age where I can say that I have experienced many different aspects and possibilities of life. Growing up in a poor, but well-developed western country gave me great healthcare, a lack of danger, a beautiful environment, a fair-enough education, a hard but ultimately realistic chance of obtaining a fortune through a boatload of work, and the possibility of living a full life. As a young person, I of course have seen richer, more developed countries, but I have had hope and the expectation of being able to get by.
I grew up with aspirations.
As a child I opted to be a racing driver, as cars were my passion. Names like Colin McRae and Mika Häkkinen may ring a bell to some of you, they were my heroes. The figures of how work, dedication and skill can lead someone to great success in life, in their case the absolute top of a sport. The recipe was clear: take no shortcuts, have great respect for those before you, do whatever you possibly can for success, and ultimately, you are guarenteed to succeed. I understood that. I was a smart boy, I spoke English in early elementary school, I was a computer wizard, I had a fond interest in technology. I realized that there is a reason for me to study, to work, to have ambitions and goals, and I had the luxury of being able to dream, that everything in this world is obtainable, and it all depends on me. I can be whoever I want.
Time went on and on, I was chasing my goals and I never gave up on anything. I am fortunate enough to say that I have succeded in a variety of areas in life so far, and I am proud of myself. I do that, because the things that I desired were dependent on my hard-working and unstoppable attitude. I may be stubborn and focused, but being goal-centric is what got me where I am today. These two hands of mine gave me all that I have, and in just a few more years I will be able to retire.
How does realizing that love is impossible fit into this story?
In short: it doesn't. The duality is staggering.
I was a happy, intelligent and funny boy, and the 1st and 2nd attempts at me getting a girlfriend (that resulted in rejections) didn't get me down so much. I wasn't sorrow, I thought nothing to it, I'm still 11-12, there are plenty of opportunities, life has just begun, "everybody can get a girlfriend", etc.. Little did I know about how evolution and genetics work. When I was 10 years old, I was balding so much that I was ridiculed and called 'forehead'. At 23, half of the top of my head was hairless. At 30, I am now at 5 or 6 on the Norwood-scale. My body was (and is) alright, but my facial geometry was so fucked up, my skull proportions were so wacky that I was constantly picked on by my peers in elementary school, and jokes about me never being able to get a girlfriend were emerging as early as 1st grade. It was THAT obvious that I am not suited for this. How does life expect me to cope with understading that? Why can't I get a girlfriend when I try everything possible? I had to LEARN that it does not depend on me. For the first time in my life, this is something out of my control. Something I cannot work towards, something I cannot achieve. But it's not my fault, as I am a product of my environment and I am not the one to blame.
All of what I've seen in life is that everything is up to me, has been a lie. Not everything can be achieved independently and realizing this took me a lifetime. It didn't happen overnight. Love was never going to happen. Hope was vanishing little by little, year after year. Slowly, after several disastrous rejections and heartbreaks, I stopped talking to girls forever. I had to give up and mourn that this part of life is unattainable. The process of grief (look it up in psychology) perfectly apply here: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Here I am now.
I truly hope you guys have goals in your life. A part of mine is forever missing, but I try to enjoy my hobbies, remain diligent and see that life is indeed beautiful and there is still so much that needs to be done. I just wanted a girl in my life who loves me.
p.s.
I cried while typing this crap. I am not depressed, just sad at my undeserved misfortune.
Recommended song: Pink Floyd - Marooned
TLDR: As a kid, I thought working towards your goals will grant you your wishes. Turns out, life isn't that straightforward, and sometimes things are just simply and definitively out of your reach.
I really do. As a 30 year old, I have been through many of the highs and lows that life can offer. I have reached an age where I can say that I have experienced many different aspects and possibilities of life. Growing up in a poor, but well-developed western country gave me great healthcare, a lack of danger, a beautiful environment, a fair-enough education, a hard but ultimately realistic chance of obtaining a fortune through a boatload of work, and the possibility of living a full life. As a young person, I of course have seen richer, more developed countries, but I have had hope and the expectation of being able to get by.
I grew up with aspirations.
As a child I opted to be a racing driver, as cars were my passion. Names like Colin McRae and Mika Häkkinen may ring a bell to some of you, they were my heroes. The figures of how work, dedication and skill can lead someone to great success in life, in their case the absolute top of a sport. The recipe was clear: take no shortcuts, have great respect for those before you, do whatever you possibly can for success, and ultimately, you are guarenteed to succeed. I understood that. I was a smart boy, I spoke English in early elementary school, I was a computer wizard, I had a fond interest in technology. I realized that there is a reason for me to study, to work, to have ambitions and goals, and I had the luxury of being able to dream, that everything in this world is obtainable, and it all depends on me. I can be whoever I want.
Time went on and on, I was chasing my goals and I never gave up on anything. I am fortunate enough to say that I have succeded in a variety of areas in life so far, and I am proud of myself. I do that, because the things that I desired were dependent on my hard-working and unstoppable attitude. I may be stubborn and focused, but being goal-centric is what got me where I am today. These two hands of mine gave me all that I have, and in just a few more years I will be able to retire.
How does realizing that love is impossible fit into this story?
In short: it doesn't. The duality is staggering.
I was a happy, intelligent and funny boy, and the 1st and 2nd attempts at me getting a girlfriend (that resulted in rejections) didn't get me down so much. I wasn't sorrow, I thought nothing to it, I'm still 11-12, there are plenty of opportunities, life has just begun, "everybody can get a girlfriend", etc.. Little did I know about how evolution and genetics work. When I was 10 years old, I was balding so much that I was ridiculed and called 'forehead'. At 23, half of the top of my head was hairless. At 30, I am now at 5 or 6 on the Norwood-scale. My body was (and is) alright, but my facial geometry was so fucked up, my skull proportions were so wacky that I was constantly picked on by my peers in elementary school, and jokes about me never being able to get a girlfriend were emerging as early as 1st grade. It was THAT obvious that I am not suited for this. How does life expect me to cope with understading that? Why can't I get a girlfriend when I try everything possible? I had to LEARN that it does not depend on me. For the first time in my life, this is something out of my control. Something I cannot work towards, something I cannot achieve. But it's not my fault, as I am a product of my environment and I am not the one to blame.
All of what I've seen in life is that everything is up to me, has been a lie. Not everything can be achieved independently and realizing this took me a lifetime. It didn't happen overnight. Love was never going to happen. Hope was vanishing little by little, year after year. Slowly, after several disastrous rejections and heartbreaks, I stopped talking to girls forever. I had to give up and mourn that this part of life is unattainable. The process of grief (look it up in psychology) perfectly apply here: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Here I am now.
I truly hope you guys have goals in your life. A part of mine is forever missing, but I try to enjoy my hobbies, remain diligent and see that life is indeed beautiful and there is still so much that needs to be done. I just wanted a girl in my life who loves me.
p.s.
I cried while typing this crap. I am not depressed, just sad at my undeserved misfortune.
Recommended song: Pink Floyd - Marooned
TLDR: As a kid, I thought working towards your goals will grant you your wishes. Turns out, life isn't that straightforward, and sometimes things are just simply and definitively out of your reach.