I don't feel like I'm ugly, or at least that I should be ugly, tbh I don't think that my self concept matches my physical body at all. Whenever I see pictures of myself I feel strange seeing my appearance. It used to be that I'd want to destroy my face, I just hated it so much. But now I don't even see the face as mine, I'm trapped in this body and people can't see me for how I'd actually want to be seen, for who I actually am. One of the worst aspects of being subhuman is the fact that we're all inevitably lookist, even towards ourselves. Even though I know that they don't make sense, I still sometimes get intrusive thoughts like "what did I do wrong", or "what did I do to deserve being ugly". These questions are monuments of my old mindset, and evidence that being unattractive can cause you to hate yourself, since we perceive ugliness as bad, and project this upon the entire being of whomever is ugly, sometimes consciously but usually not.
Beyond that, I really hate most of the endless mundane nonsense which we have to do everyday. Half the time I feel like a fucking robot just carrying out pointless tasks for no reason. It's simply beyond me that people think bestowing such an existence upon anyone could ever be considered a "gift". Moreover, a life which involves little more than exerting effort for the sake of self maintenance isn't any gift worth receiving. It's been some time since I realized that most of the things which I really want either don't exist in this world, or are completely inaccessible to me regardless. My therapist tells me to find some source of motivation, but beyond the avoidance of pain, I can't really find one anymore. All I have left is a bunch of suppressed rage, which isn't useful for motivating me to do anything productive.
Really I wish that we could all appear exactly how we wanted to, and this would be one attribute of any universe which could actually be worth living in. Lookism would either be nonexistent, or rendered entirely meaningless since we could change our appearance at will if we really wanted to do so. I want to live in a world like that, but also a world where we don't experience negative emotional states, painful experiences in general, including boredom, or any source of suffering derived unsatisfied needs. There would be little to no change, since we wouldn't want anything which we didn't already have access to, and we would all live content but static lives. Perhaps such an existence would be just as pointless as our current one, but at least it wouldn't be actively harmful. Everyday I long to be there rather than here.
Beyond that, I really hate most of the endless mundane nonsense which we have to do everyday. Half the time I feel like a fucking robot just carrying out pointless tasks for no reason. It's simply beyond me that people think bestowing such an existence upon anyone could ever be considered a "gift". Moreover, a life which involves little more than exerting effort for the sake of self maintenance isn't any gift worth receiving. It's been some time since I realized that most of the things which I really want either don't exist in this world, or are completely inaccessible to me regardless. My therapist tells me to find some source of motivation, but beyond the avoidance of pain, I can't really find one anymore. All I have left is a bunch of suppressed rage, which isn't useful for motivating me to do anything productive.
Really I wish that we could all appear exactly how we wanted to, and this would be one attribute of any universe which could actually be worth living in. Lookism would either be nonexistent, or rendered entirely meaningless since we could change our appearance at will if we really wanted to do so. I want to live in a world like that, but also a world where we don't experience negative emotional states, painful experiences in general, including boredom, or any source of suffering derived unsatisfied needs. There would be little to no change, since we wouldn't want anything which we didn't already have access to, and we would all live content but static lives. Perhaps such an existence would be just as pointless as our current one, but at least it wouldn't be actively harmful. Everyday I long to be there rather than here.
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