Maybe I’m just a faggot who desires attention, but I genuinely do not think I could handle or accept that I will never have anyone. The main reason is that while I am an autistic individual, I still desire to not be lonely, I’ve always had this issue, so I used the online world to cope with it, I don’t think I could handle the reality of a being a neutrally neurotic freak alone for the rest of my life
The idea that I may never have someone(or rather that I really wanted someone) never really came to me back when I was a teenager (I am 20 now), I just played games and was on discord all day since I was 13, in fact I never really had a crush on anyone, I never felt romantic attraction at all besides when I was 5.
I had this view that even tolerating women was a sign of weakness so I tried to avoid them as much as possible, didn’t even insult them, they still came to me and expressed their insults and disgust at me, I didn’t really care at that point, I was basically a volcel in denial (but it wasn’t like I could’ve gotten anyone at the time anyways)
Now that the illusion of me not being lonely has been destroyed ever since I started college, I can’t help but go back to reality, that I really do want someone, and I don’t just mean friends, I want someone closer than a friend, otherwise I can never be honest with myself, I don’t know if this makes sense, but it has also gotten to a point where it has consumed me as a person, my whole goal now is to find someone, it is all I can think of, and paired with my neuroticism, autism, and my looks, it feels like everything is stacked against me, yet even then I still would probably follow this goal like 5 years from now, because the other option to me is suicide, no amount of short term copes work anymore for me.
I used to be content at first but now it just feels like I could be spending my time finding someone, everything else feels meaningless in comparison now, besides reading and watching anime(which I fear will run its course eventually as a medium of enjoyment, and rather a medium of infiltration), I only have the urge to play sometimes, but barely nowadays
Perhaps I am just too mentally subhuman to understand how someone can accept such a fate and supplement it with short term cope, but at the same time in a way, at least their whole personality has not been corrupted by trying to find someone, or at least, trying this hard, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve been actively trying, and I’ve been like this for roughly that long as well, it doesn’t seem like there is any end in sight, I’d just feel miserable, or blank at best, but even when I’m blank I still have a small feeling of negativity, that the situation is not good.
The idea that I may never have someone(or rather that I really wanted someone) never really came to me back when I was a teenager (I am 20 now), I just played games and was on discord all day since I was 13, in fact I never really had a crush on anyone, I never felt romantic attraction at all besides when I was 5.
I had this view that even tolerating women was a sign of weakness so I tried to avoid them as much as possible, didn’t even insult them, they still came to me and expressed their insults and disgust at me, I didn’t really care at that point, I was basically a volcel in denial (but it wasn’t like I could’ve gotten anyone at the time anyways)
Now that the illusion of me not being lonely has been destroyed ever since I started college, I can’t help but go back to reality, that I really do want someone, and I don’t just mean friends, I want someone closer than a friend, otherwise I can never be honest with myself, I don’t know if this makes sense, but it has also gotten to a point where it has consumed me as a person, my whole goal now is to find someone, it is all I can think of, and paired with my neuroticism, autism, and my looks, it feels like everything is stacked against me, yet even then I still would probably follow this goal like 5 years from now, because the other option to me is suicide, no amount of short term copes work anymore for me.
I used to be content at first but now it just feels like I could be spending my time finding someone, everything else feels meaningless in comparison now, besides reading and watching anime(which I fear will run its course eventually as a medium of enjoyment, and rather a medium of infiltration), I only have the urge to play sometimes, but barely nowadays
Perhaps I am just too mentally subhuman to understand how someone can accept such a fate and supplement it with short term cope, but at the same time in a way, at least their whole personality has not been corrupted by trying to find someone, or at least, trying this hard, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve been actively trying, and I’ve been like this for roughly that long as well, it doesn’t seem like there is any end in sight, I’d just feel miserable, or blank at best, but even when I’m blank I still have a small feeling of negativity, that the situation is not good.
