
The Enforcer
Not fit to survive
★★★★★
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2021
- Posts
- 5,089
Been confined to my bed pretty much all day after a heavy session on the gin which has fucked me up. Between all the 5 or 6 vomit sessions today with a lot of long empty wretching and the destruction it's caused my chest and gums (pain), I was mostly just sat here ruminating over how tragic life genuinely is. Literally just rotting in this empty house. No one to rest their hand on my shoulder or console me, or help me, or soothe me. No one to be appreciative of and give back too. Literally just me, sat in the dark permanently because life simply isn't for me.
Too many decades of wasted "life". I wish I'd have had the knowledge I have now back when I was a child. Had I known that even after more than 30 years, i'd never be considered anything other than a walking pathogen, it would likely have been simple to rope back then. Could have saved myself the bother.
I lay here now gripping the covers over me for warmth while I rest and ruminate. I try to imagine that its close to the warmth of a hug or someshit since I've no idea nor conception of what a hug even feels like. But that alone just makes one more miserable. I'll never have a normal life, i'll never experience love, i'll never have a family, i'll never be happy. I'll never truly live.
I'm still waiting for alcohol or whatever else to just finish me off. Cull my organs or give me some other terminal bullshit that I can refuse treatment for. Ideally i'd just get stabbed in the street in a random mugging or some shit. I should probably pay the train station a visit. Paint the platform red. Free myself of this never ending cycle of bullshit of which no avenue ever yields results. But for now i'll just opiate myself back to sleep. Going to try and lay on my back just incase
Too many decades of wasted "life". I wish I'd have had the knowledge I have now back when I was a child. Had I known that even after more than 30 years, i'd never be considered anything other than a walking pathogen, it would likely have been simple to rope back then. Could have saved myself the bother.
I lay here now gripping the covers over me for warmth while I rest and ruminate. I try to imagine that its close to the warmth of a hug or someshit since I've no idea nor conception of what a hug even feels like. But that alone just makes one more miserable. I'll never have a normal life, i'll never experience love, i'll never have a family, i'll never be happy. I'll never truly live.
I'm still waiting for alcohol or whatever else to just finish me off. Cull my organs or give me some other terminal bullshit that I can refuse treatment for. Ideally i'd just get stabbed in the street in a random mugging or some shit. I should probably pay the train station a visit. Paint the platform red. Free myself of this never ending cycle of bullshit of which no avenue ever yields results. But for now i'll just opiate myself back to sleep. Going to try and lay on my back just incase