I don't know if it's because my mind has resigned to being foidless or decided to no longer hope for things, but my repeating fantasies are no longer about women or getting partnered up. No fantasies about family life anymore. But I have repeating fantasies about my death and funeral.
On my last day, I am surrounded by my kids, some are mine, some related some are adopted. They brought their kids. Some are former proteges who still stay in touch with me, and they brought their kids too. Somehow there is no wife in this fantasy, just the kids. Maybe she died, idk. My kids and my proteges, they're all types of people. All ranges of personalities. All sorts of jobs. Some are mailmen, hairdressers, bus drivers, EMTs, soldiers, and some are doctors, nurses, accountants, paralegals, fiduciaries, programmers. My hairdresser daughter is giving me a haircut in the backyard, and she chastises me about looking like a caveman. My male protege arrives with his kids and sees me with my new hair, and tells me it looks like I am returning back to the Army. My doctor daughter comes and talks about how a patient died in her clinic, getting sympathy from my other kids. My kids all came to my big mansion. I was a shrewd man with a lot of prowess so I can afford this. I am old, but still in good shape because I did physically active jobs all my life instead of rotting behind a screen STEMmaxxing like society expected me to, yet also figuring out how to make a lot of money. My grandchildren are playing a game of chase and they need the monster to chase them, and ask the adults for help. I am bored and volunteer, my kids bicker with me worrying I will fall and fracture. I tell them I can still run, my legs still work. They let me go with the grandkids out into the garden backyard. I count down and open my eyes, and walk alone in the garden looking for the little kids. When I find one they all start popping out of their hiding spots and running around in a frenzy, screaming and laughing. I chase after them before I get a heart attack and die in the garden as the kids circle around me unaware that I just died, and the last thing I hear as I lose consciousness is the squealing and laughing of the children.
At my funeral, my kids and proteges talk about me, what I have been through, the shit I pulled off, and how I made them feel. There is like 30 of my children and protege at the funeral, not counting the other people. One of my kids tell me that they will live by my example. A protege comes up to my casket and tell me how I believed in him and that changed his life. After the funeral they're on the balcony drinking and smoking, and they laugh about the random cryptic shit I said while they were growing up, like "agriculture was the fall of man". Or how I told my son the love advice "the only difference between a confident guy and a creepy guy is how attractive he is".
But, this is probably not gonna happen. I don't even have friends right now.
On my last day, I am surrounded by my kids, some are mine, some related some are adopted. They brought their kids. Some are former proteges who still stay in touch with me, and they brought their kids too. Somehow there is no wife in this fantasy, just the kids. Maybe she died, idk. My kids and my proteges, they're all types of people. All ranges of personalities. All sorts of jobs. Some are mailmen, hairdressers, bus drivers, EMTs, soldiers, and some are doctors, nurses, accountants, paralegals, fiduciaries, programmers. My hairdresser daughter is giving me a haircut in the backyard, and she chastises me about looking like a caveman. My male protege arrives with his kids and sees me with my new hair, and tells me it looks like I am returning back to the Army. My doctor daughter comes and talks about how a patient died in her clinic, getting sympathy from my other kids. My kids all came to my big mansion. I was a shrewd man with a lot of prowess so I can afford this. I am old, but still in good shape because I did physically active jobs all my life instead of rotting behind a screen STEMmaxxing like society expected me to, yet also figuring out how to make a lot of money. My grandchildren are playing a game of chase and they need the monster to chase them, and ask the adults for help. I am bored and volunteer, my kids bicker with me worrying I will fall and fracture. I tell them I can still run, my legs still work. They let me go with the grandkids out into the garden backyard. I count down and open my eyes, and walk alone in the garden looking for the little kids. When I find one they all start popping out of their hiding spots and running around in a frenzy, screaming and laughing. I chase after them before I get a heart attack and die in the garden as the kids circle around me unaware that I just died, and the last thing I hear as I lose consciousness is the squealing and laughing of the children.
At my funeral, my kids and proteges talk about me, what I have been through, the shit I pulled off, and how I made them feel. There is like 30 of my children and protege at the funeral, not counting the other people. One of my kids tell me that they will live by my example. A protege comes up to my casket and tell me how I believed in him and that changed his life. After the funeral they're on the balcony drinking and smoking, and they laugh about the random cryptic shit I said while they were growing up, like "agriculture was the fall of man". Or how I told my son the love advice "the only difference between a confident guy and a creepy guy is how attractive he is".
But, this is probably not gonna happen. I don't even have friends right now.
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