Tl;dr: It doesn't matter
This doesn't matter. I've sort of been going through bouts of frustration and anger because of my loneliness. No one in my family seems interested in addressing or acknowledging it. Maybe I'm just good at masking my suffering or they simply don't care. I'd bet the latter. I've hit a boiling point when it comes to my anger and have decided to put my thoughts into words.
Recently, every night I go to bed thinking about life and how some people just get to go out and enjoy their twenties. I never was one to dwell on the past, but my mother has been going on and on about "enjoying life". She talks about traveling the world, buying a nice house, getting a nice car. All good things. But she's been pushing me to get a degree so she can afford those things.
It's not the typical "I hope you get a successful career so you can have a family", but instead "When you get a job I can finally go to Europe!". It's sort of disappointing. She touts herself as this religious god-fearing woman yet she's quite greedy. I remembering crying as a kid when she would destroy my Yugi-Oh cards on purpose. Three times. She never replaced them. When my birthday comes around I get an apron. Yet when her birthday comes around she wants a $400 Statue of Jesus for her garden. She bought $2,000 Versace sunglasses yet still asks her sisters and brother for money (which she lost btw). Before retirement she made $48K/year. I think I've adequately illustrated what kind of person she is. If I kept going I'd never stop.
Getting to the point, I've been feeling so vitriolic I get headaches from the anger and exhausted from stewing in my thoughts. In my head or even whispers within my room I try to tell myself it doesn't matter. Because it doesn't matter. Seeing my peers embrace life and grow doesn't matter. Me being alone doesn't matter. Even this post doesn't matter. It'll be lost to time.
And yet I still get angry. I know it's meaningless and consciously recognize the futility. But my subconscious doesn't. I still feel rage. I understand that I'm human and humans are irrational. So I myself am irrational. I thought somehow naively that I'd become indifferent enough that it wouldn't matter with time. But the frustation never ends.
The usual copes never seem to stick anymore. I remember the gist of a quote one of the members here said years ago "You have two options for hating: Either yourself. Or others, namely women." and that the latter would be the best option to stave off roping yourself. Yet I'm tired of hating at this point. My head gets tired from thinking and it all doesn't matter anyways. I don't want to be angry anymore, but secluding myself into the mountains and becoming a monk free from temptations isn't an option.
Every time I stumble upon something that angers me, whether in life or in the my thoughts, I repeat "it doesn't matter" in my head. To the human that is "me" my suffering matters. But to everything else it's just as meaningful as rock on the side of a road. The misery persists regardless of its acknowledgement. My understanding can help me avoid greater suffering but I'm still vulnerable to fruitless suffering.
I don't think there is any reasonable way to mitigate this anguish. The problems I go through comes from the circumstances forced upon me. And most of the hypothetical solutions require improbable outcomes. Even if some wild outlier occurs in my lifetime, like I win the lottery or a breakthough in medicine fixes my spine, I'd still be bitter from the time lost.
Not to say I wouldn't be happy rich. Poor KHHV is worse than Rich KHHV. RR's quote "Replacing worse with bad" has been looping in my head for the past few days. I'd hope that my rambling was at least interesting or gave you some comfort that someone else is suffering like you. Me caring about that is probably irrational too since our suffering doesn't matter. No amount of toil and grief will lead to anything.
Anyways I've summed up my feelings of unending anger. If we go by most posts on this forum I can conclude that most people are frustrated (water is wet). I just wanted to see if anyone else acknowledges the futility in their anger as well. Like I understand venting but at certain point it feels more like a chore than an outlet. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to have headaches anymore. And I don't want to be exhausted anymore. Even if it doesn't matter.
This doesn't matter. I've sort of been going through bouts of frustration and anger because of my loneliness. No one in my family seems interested in addressing or acknowledging it. Maybe I'm just good at masking my suffering or they simply don't care. I'd bet the latter. I've hit a boiling point when it comes to my anger and have decided to put my thoughts into words.
Recently, every night I go to bed thinking about life and how some people just get to go out and enjoy their twenties. I never was one to dwell on the past, but my mother has been going on and on about "enjoying life". She talks about traveling the world, buying a nice house, getting a nice car. All good things. But she's been pushing me to get a degree so she can afford those things.
It's not the typical "I hope you get a successful career so you can have a family", but instead "When you get a job I can finally go to Europe!". It's sort of disappointing. She touts herself as this religious god-fearing woman yet she's quite greedy. I remembering crying as a kid when she would destroy my Yugi-Oh cards on purpose. Three times. She never replaced them. When my birthday comes around I get an apron. Yet when her birthday comes around she wants a $400 Statue of Jesus for her garden. She bought $2,000 Versace sunglasses yet still asks her sisters and brother for money (which she lost btw). Before retirement she made $48K/year. I think I've adequately illustrated what kind of person she is. If I kept going I'd never stop.
Getting to the point, I've been feeling so vitriolic I get headaches from the anger and exhausted from stewing in my thoughts. In my head or even whispers within my room I try to tell myself it doesn't matter. Because it doesn't matter. Seeing my peers embrace life and grow doesn't matter. Me being alone doesn't matter. Even this post doesn't matter. It'll be lost to time.
And yet I still get angry. I know it's meaningless and consciously recognize the futility. But my subconscious doesn't. I still feel rage. I understand that I'm human and humans are irrational. So I myself am irrational. I thought somehow naively that I'd become indifferent enough that it wouldn't matter with time. But the frustation never ends.
The usual copes never seem to stick anymore. I remember the gist of a quote one of the members here said years ago "You have two options for hating: Either yourself. Or others, namely women." and that the latter would be the best option to stave off roping yourself. Yet I'm tired of hating at this point. My head gets tired from thinking and it all doesn't matter anyways. I don't want to be angry anymore, but secluding myself into the mountains and becoming a monk free from temptations isn't an option.
Every time I stumble upon something that angers me, whether in life or in the my thoughts, I repeat "it doesn't matter" in my head. To the human that is "me" my suffering matters. But to everything else it's just as meaningful as rock on the side of a road. The misery persists regardless of its acknowledgement. My understanding can help me avoid greater suffering but I'm still vulnerable to fruitless suffering.
I don't think there is any reasonable way to mitigate this anguish. The problems I go through comes from the circumstances forced upon me. And most of the hypothetical solutions require improbable outcomes. Even if some wild outlier occurs in my lifetime, like I win the lottery or a breakthough in medicine fixes my spine, I'd still be bitter from the time lost.
Not to say I wouldn't be happy rich. Poor KHHV is worse than Rich KHHV. RR's quote "Replacing worse with bad" has been looping in my head for the past few days. I'd hope that my rambling was at least interesting or gave you some comfort that someone else is suffering like you. Me caring about that is probably irrational too since our suffering doesn't matter. No amount of toil and grief will lead to anything.
Anyways I've summed up my feelings of unending anger. If we go by most posts on this forum I can conclude that most people are frustrated (water is wet). I just wanted to see if anyone else acknowledges the futility in their anger as well. Like I understand venting but at certain point it feels more like a chore than an outlet. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to have headaches anymore. And I don't want to be exhausted anymore. Even if it doesn't matter.
