I'm a deeply mentally ill, conflicted person. I have no real direction in life; in many ways, I'm a hypocrite. I've "failed to launch". I'm not traditionally masculine at all; inwardly, I'm fearful and imbalanced. Outwardly, I'm indecisive. I can't help but think that the masculine archetype is totally out of reach for me. I just cannot embody it, no matter what. I'm still a child internally. I know I have to grow, I know I have to change, but it isn't good enough. The things that need to be changed cannot be. I can't change my height, I can't change my penis size, I can't change the past, I can't forget my mistakes, I can't change my genes, I can't get rid of my mental illness, the list goes on. I spend so much time ruminating on what needs to be changed or what I need to change to grow and move on, but none of it is possible. All of the pain I feel about my penis size could fade away if it grew overnight. I'd be delivered from the memories that haunt me every night if I could forget them. If I were taller and had a better face, girls would like me. If these things happened, if they changed, I'd be able to grow. Mentally, I'm already there; I see what needs to change, but there's just nothing I can do. This is why I'm stuck, I'm smart enough to see all the problems but powerless to change them. What else could I be aside from stuck? The world blames me when it's the world that should be blamed.
