Z
When I was in 9th grade, everything changed. Before that, everything looked as if we were living in a bubble, but then, all looked so different.
Woman in my school have always had a dominant actitude, standing up against injustice, n not being afraid to speak for themselves. There was a group of 15 boys, who, during all the year made bullying to this one girl (I’m not going to say her name, we’ll call her Zara). She was prob one of the most popular girls, bc she knew what she wanted, n said things rlly direct, even if they were hard so hear.
In 9th grade, I started to have feelings for her. At first they thought they were romantic, but they were just admiration, n a bit of envy. The first part was of that school year was great. We had a friend group, she was prob rlly charismatic, n I wanted to confess.
I can’t remember exactly when it started. I guess things like that never really begin all at once.
One day someone makes a joke, the next day someone else laughs, then someone repeats it a little louder, and before you know it, it’s just part of everyday life.
man in my class were rlly desperate for attention. They bullied not just me (bc i wasn’t man enough), but also all girl in the class. They were bullying Zara so bad as I have never seen before.
The popular guys would make comments whenever she walked past. If she said anything in class, the would laugh. If she talked to another boy, they’d start rumors. If she got angry, they’d say she was overreacting. If she stayed quiet, they’d say she secretly liked the attention. What matters is that everyone knew what was happening, and at the same time, everyone acted as if they didn’t.
I never joined in. For a long time, I thought that made me a good person. Eventually, I realized that looking away was a choice too.
The funny thing is, I always had an excuse: “The teacher will notice”, “someone else will step in”…
But if I’m being honest, those weren’t the real reasons. I was scared, scared of becoming the next target. But, there was another reason, part of me thinking: Even if I stood up for her, she’d never like me anyway. I was really ugly back that time.
Every time I imagined stepping in, my mind always ended up asking the same stupid question.
What do I get out of this?
Nothing.
She won’t fall in love with me.
I won’t suddenly become popular.
My life won’t magically change.
So I stayed in my seat. Convincing myself that being neutral made me a decent person.
One of the guys grabbed her backpack and started tossing it around like it was a ball. Everyone laughed while she tried to get it back. They kept telling her to “relax” because it was “just a joke.”
Idk why, but at that moment I didn’t, I just walked over n grabbed the backpack when it came my way, n gave it back to her. I said it was enough. It didn’t sound heroic, my voice was shaking n one of them laughed, asking if I was her bf. Honestly, I think she wasn’t the prettiest girl in the room, but she definitely had presence. I thought they were going to shove me. They didn’t they just lost interest.
She just took her backpack, n just said “Thank you”. She walked away, that was it. No applause, any professor. The next day we barely spoke. We never dated. Nothing romantic ever happened between us. Honestly, smth changed in me, bc I realized smth that made me uncomfortable. That day, for the first time, I did smth without expecting my life to improve. Without expecting anyone to love me for it.
And I learned something nobody had ever told me.
Your worth isn’t measured by how many people choose you.
It’s measured by who you choose to be when nobody owes you anything in return.
Because that was the day I stopped asking why the world wasn’t giving me what I wanted.
And started asking what kind of man I wanted to become. Even if nobody was watching. It sounds like a small difference. But it was the first time my life felt like it actually belonged to me.
The next year she moved to another school. I don’t know where she is rn, what is she doing for work, if she has kids, if she changed her name.. I still feel guilty bc no one helped her during all the school year, non even her friends. If she sees this, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for not helping her before.
Woman in my school have always had a dominant actitude, standing up against injustice, n not being afraid to speak for themselves. There was a group of 15 boys, who, during all the year made bullying to this one girl (I’m not going to say her name, we’ll call her Zara). She was prob one of the most popular girls, bc she knew what she wanted, n said things rlly direct, even if they were hard so hear.
In 9th grade, I started to have feelings for her. At first they thought they were romantic, but they were just admiration, n a bit of envy. The first part was of that school year was great. We had a friend group, she was prob rlly charismatic, n I wanted to confess.
I can’t remember exactly when it started. I guess things like that never really begin all at once.
One day someone makes a joke, the next day someone else laughs, then someone repeats it a little louder, and before you know it, it’s just part of everyday life.
man in my class were rlly desperate for attention. They bullied not just me (bc i wasn’t man enough), but also all girl in the class. They were bullying Zara so bad as I have never seen before.
The popular guys would make comments whenever she walked past. If she said anything in class, the would laugh. If she talked to another boy, they’d start rumors. If she got angry, they’d say she was overreacting. If she stayed quiet, they’d say she secretly liked the attention. What matters is that everyone knew what was happening, and at the same time, everyone acted as if they didn’t.
I never joined in. For a long time, I thought that made me a good person. Eventually, I realized that looking away was a choice too.
The funny thing is, I always had an excuse: “The teacher will notice”, “someone else will step in”…
But if I’m being honest, those weren’t the real reasons. I was scared, scared of becoming the next target. But, there was another reason, part of me thinking: Even if I stood up for her, she’d never like me anyway. I was really ugly back that time.
Every time I imagined stepping in, my mind always ended up asking the same stupid question.
What do I get out of this?
Nothing.
She won’t fall in love with me.
I won’t suddenly become popular.
My life won’t magically change.
So I stayed in my seat. Convincing myself that being neutral made me a decent person.
One of the guys grabbed her backpack and started tossing it around like it was a ball. Everyone laughed while she tried to get it back. They kept telling her to “relax” because it was “just a joke.”
Idk why, but at that moment I didn’t, I just walked over n grabbed the backpack when it came my way, n gave it back to her. I said it was enough. It didn’t sound heroic, my voice was shaking n one of them laughed, asking if I was her bf. Honestly, I think she wasn’t the prettiest girl in the room, but she definitely had presence. I thought they were going to shove me. They didn’t they just lost interest.
She just took her backpack, n just said “Thank you”. She walked away, that was it. No applause, any professor. The next day we barely spoke. We never dated. Nothing romantic ever happened between us. Honestly, smth changed in me, bc I realized smth that made me uncomfortable. That day, for the first time, I did smth without expecting my life to improve. Without expecting anyone to love me for it.
And I learned something nobody had ever told me.
Your worth isn’t measured by how many people choose you.
It’s measured by who you choose to be when nobody owes you anything in return.
Because that was the day I stopped asking why the world wasn’t giving me what I wanted.
And started asking what kind of man I wanted to become. Even if nobody was watching. It sounds like a small difference. But it was the first time my life felt like it actually belonged to me.
The next year she moved to another school. I don’t know where she is rn, what is she doing for work, if she has kids, if she changed her name.. I still feel guilty bc no one helped her during all the school year, non even her friends. If she sees this, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for not helping her before.
