7
7Hopeless7
Foid rated me 2/10
★★
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2021
- Posts
- 621
I would lie if I say that I enjoy life; I've never fully enjoyed it. Since I was a kid, I've been having social issues (due to autism, but we'll get to that later), negative thoughts, suicidal ideation, etc. I've been called ugly a lot by girls through years and I've been treated coldly by them (I've been also called ugly by guys). This has made to grow up with no self esteem, and to hate most people. My autism just feels like an excuse; I've been going to therapy during more than 8 years, just to learn about how to behave like a normal person, and to have friends, but people (specially girls) don't want to talk to me, and I'm scared of talking to them (and I'm really scared of talking to girls, due to the negative feedback that I've been receiving in my life). My problem is not solitude; I'm used to be alone, why would it hurt me? What hurts me is that I can't enjoy anything, because I feel that nothing matters. I lied. I hate solitude and being unable to make relationships normally, but I can't force people into talking with me when I don't talk. I want to be able to cope with being ugly and to stop holding hate for people, which will lead me to kill someone in the future, and that's why I want to kill myself. I preffer the absence of consciousness than being conscient about my fall. I'm having an anxiety attack right now, because I'm thinking again about killing the people that hurted me. If I had a button to kill everyone, I would push it; if I'm going to die, I won't do it alone. Have a nice day.
Today I saw my face in a picture, and I punched my jaw repeteadly; I forgot to take my antidepressants today, and I'm in the place that reminds me that this world is just a dream. What I truly hate is that I'm unable to say this in real life, because no one gives a fuck. The people around you just lie, the psychologist give you some shitty advice to develop some confidence (and you just want to be alright with being ugly, not to try to believe that you look normal). I just hope that some more people would get beaten up.
Today I saw my face in a picture, and I punched my jaw repeteadly; I forgot to take my antidepressants today, and I'm in the place that reminds me that this world is just a dream. What I truly hate is that I'm unable to say this in real life, because no one gives a fuck. The people around you just lie, the psychologist give you some shitty advice to develop some confidence (and you just want to be alright with being ugly, not to try to believe that you look normal). I just hope that some more people would get beaten up.