So many things happening in my life, none of them good, that i dont even know where to start. Ive been working as a HS teacher for more than two months now.
Firstly, sorry for bad english, im too depressed to correct the text. Also, i wont follow any order. Im drunk and sad. I just want to vent.
So... ive not been this depressed since college. Im litteraly at the verge of suicide. Isolation is winning the game, and i dont know what to do now. I have a job, but i dont feel any better.... actually, things are getting worse and worse.
I dont know if i should write about my miserable experience tbh. If i get caught and fired, i would kill myself instantly. This is the only job i can do, and i dont want to be homeless. But i actually like to share my experience with other incels. If i dont write here, i just cant write to anybody at all. I dont have any fucking friends. Its so fucking sad. I wish we ugly males were treated like humans. I really need some human respect lately. Im so tired of hiding and pretending. Specially when everyone that sees my face and height knows im subhuman, its so fucking senseless and hard to pretend to be a normie.... Once, some teachers were talking about how serious it is for a kid to not have friends, and they actually mean it. It is fucking weird to not have any friends. Let that sink in. Its so weird! Parents must be informed and we, the teachers, should help him aquiring some social skills and self-steem. We are talking about a ugly and short male, of course. So... everyone has friends. Im actually a very very rare specimen in this fucking world, it seems. Being reminded about it hurts beyond human capacity. We are fucking reaching godly levels of pain, with no godly levels of pain resistance.
My fucking job is exhausting as an incel because i really have to pretend every one of my reactions and actions. Nothing can be natural. Ive become an actor because i have to pretend im fucking human every time someone mentions his/her bf/gf or kids, their friends, their aspirations.... Ive been talking (because i had no chance) to a history teacher that told me how much he loves the work he does, how many funny activities he developes during classes to motivate the kids, how much he loved his wife and that he is about to have a kid, how much fun he got traveling abroad with his wife now that they both know that they will never have a chance again after the birth.... and i had to pretend that i wasnt dying inside after every bit of information and, then, pretend that my life is a human life too, so i had to lie and tell him that i love my job too, that i had some gf´s in the past and that im searching for one now, that there are things i like like films, games, some philosophers... Really. Really. Fuck. I have not suffered like this since college. I really thought i was going to lose my mind at that moment, that my emotions would take control... I think he noticed how socially retarded i am, how ugly i am, and how pathetic i am when i clearly lie, because he suddenly left me in peace. Maybe he noticed i was about to cry. Im such a fucking beta male it amazes even me sometimes. I fucking hate myself so much. I wish i was a robot. No emotions, no free will, no lack of humanity, no desires.
You know... I used to read, a lot. I could barely read the last two years, because i had to study to get this job... But I loved to read when i was younger and i didnt realized that i wasnt even human. I didnt even mind to read romantic stuff... It hurts so much to think about me in the past, when i thought that i also could get involved in a relationship like humans do... But not going to lie. I cant now. I cant read, i cant watch films, i cant play games, i cant even come here to the only place in the universe that i can be accepted as a ugly male because of social anxiety and fucking depression. Im so tired and depressed, this is beyond what humans are designed to bare. My life is just a chaos now, and its not going to be better, at all. All i can do is go to work, come back, get drunk, cry and sleep. I just want a human life. This is not a life, this is nothing.
The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone. Even the most absurdly ugly of them all want a rich, handsome, tall, big cocked and smart bf. You can feel how superior they feel compared to you. I behave like the fucking teen and they like adults when i really really have to talk to any of them because i cant avoid it.
Most days im basically asexual (depression helps a lot) but when im not... its hell. Litteraly hell. The worst hell i could ever imagined. I am so emotionally upset after seeing all the jb's as sexual objects (which I evade 99% of the time) that I feel a total and absolute anxiety: the tachycardic heart, sweating, incapable of thinking straight... and when i finally leave the HS, its like being sick. I have to go back and sleep like im litteraly sick as if i had fever. I really dont want to fuck them, im way too beta to even think about it seriously but... their presence, their perfect bodies, their voices.... how to fucking ignore those. I can delide myself thinking that jb´s dont exist, that they are not as attractive, that there are not so many, they dont like older men... but when you have to be with tons of them for hours every day, i just cant delude myself. They exist, there are a lot of them, they are absurdly attractive and they would love to fuck every chad that they have near them. This is the truth. It hurts so fucking much....
Ive done so many stupid things. All of them because, for a moment, i doubted about my subhumanity. Not again. Ever. It was before christmas holydays. There is a foid teacher that seemed to be interested in me (i know, i know... let me be retarded for a while). Older than me, divorced, had no kids (apparently), allways smiling at me, trying to help me (because im a noob), even made some physical contact once (grabbed me by the arm)... and she was my looksmatch or below (im a solid 3/10 again, because i really take the time to shave, dress well, shower, wear contact lenses...). She was kind to everyone, but specially and clearly towards me. So, i thought... why not? She is the one that seems interested, she talks to me and smiles at me. Im not a creep if i just follow her clues and, just... just.. invite her to take a coffee (with a good excuse, i wanted to know something about the teacher im substituting, it was not a "date", just half an hour talking with her, we bot "alone" in the bar, like im human, you know...). Yep. I did it again. Male thirst knows no limits, it is true. After i dont even know, probably more than 100 real life rejections (and +1000 online), i TRIED IT AGAIN. Like a fucking MORON. AAAAAAnd got fucking rejected, of course. She seemed to be so confused... then, she stopped looking at me like an asexual piece of furniture and FINALLY looked at me as a male, judging me from her male standards and... showed a disgusted face. She made up an excuse and left, and, SINCE FUCKING THEN, she litteraly dodges my presence like a painful sickness. I dont even know what the fuck went wrong. It wasnt a date. Was it so fucking obvious? Am i that ugly? That socially retarded? Did i just assumed that her basic kindness were massive IOI´s towards me? But ive not seen her behaving that kind towards anyone... I dont know. It hurt so much.
I tried to pay for some therapy again too. But i payed and... never went. The therapist finally stopped calling back some days ago. I dont want to talk to him. I CANT talk to him. All i can do is shut the fuck up or cry, and i didnt want to cry in front of a stranger that probably hates me anyway.
I was supposed to study logic during the vacations, because i have NO IDEA about it, and i had to began to explain it... today. But the moment i went back to my parents house, all the depression i avoided and pretended to not be there hit again. I rediscovered myself, my "true self" ... a pathetic being, neither animal nor human, who will live and die completely alone for reasons beyond my control. A sad piece of reality that does not work and wants to die but can not because he is too coward. Meat uselessly vertical, as Cioran said. A piece of who knows what that refuses to die despite being a walking contradiction. The ugliest ornament of emptiness. A great shit that no one can love or respect. A machine made of meat and feces, designed to function as a human being, but never will and its in pain, like a fucking cancer. A permanent and painful state of eternal interruption of the human nature. A bridge to a place that no one wants to go to and everyone has forgotten already. A greeting to absolutely nobody, a farewell to absolutely nobody. That is what I am, and what I will always be. A monster. The most useless suspension of nothingness ever happened.
So... i didnt study logic. I didnt write here, i could not even play fucking leage of legeds. Ive spent my entire christmas crying and smoking as much weed as i can (because i finally have money) and today I made a fool of myself because I did not really know what I was explaining. But who cares.
Not me. Not you. Nobody cares. And its nobodys fault. Im a monster, my life is shit, and i really dont know what to do with it. It never fucking began. Im so tired of this. If this is the "economical liberation of having a job", if this is as much as I can aspire to as a subhuman crap, then I think I've had enough. I dont even know what to do with the money. All i do is buying alcohol and weed. If it wasnt for the drugs, i would be dead by now.
And lets not talk about my family, my male cousins and my brother having all of them beautiful gf´s. Lets not talk about couples in class. Lets not talk about happy music about being human and having freinds during christmas. Lets not talk about so much stuff that wants me dead.
This is what i wanted. To have a job, to have money, to finally leave my parents house again. And its hell. The best that life can offer me is hell
Firstly, sorry for bad english, im too depressed to correct the text. Also, i wont follow any order. Im drunk and sad. I just want to vent.
So... ive not been this depressed since college. Im litteraly at the verge of suicide. Isolation is winning the game, and i dont know what to do now. I have a job, but i dont feel any better.... actually, things are getting worse and worse.
I dont know if i should write about my miserable experience tbh. If i get caught and fired, i would kill myself instantly. This is the only job i can do, and i dont want to be homeless. But i actually like to share my experience with other incels. If i dont write here, i just cant write to anybody at all. I dont have any fucking friends. Its so fucking sad. I wish we ugly males were treated like humans. I really need some human respect lately. Im so tired of hiding and pretending. Specially when everyone that sees my face and height knows im subhuman, its so fucking senseless and hard to pretend to be a normie.... Once, some teachers were talking about how serious it is for a kid to not have friends, and they actually mean it. It is fucking weird to not have any friends. Let that sink in. Its so weird! Parents must be informed and we, the teachers, should help him aquiring some social skills and self-steem. We are talking about a ugly and short male, of course. So... everyone has friends. Im actually a very very rare specimen in this fucking world, it seems. Being reminded about it hurts beyond human capacity. We are fucking reaching godly levels of pain, with no godly levels of pain resistance.
My fucking job is exhausting as an incel because i really have to pretend every one of my reactions and actions. Nothing can be natural. Ive become an actor because i have to pretend im fucking human every time someone mentions his/her bf/gf or kids, their friends, their aspirations.... Ive been talking (because i had no chance) to a history teacher that told me how much he loves the work he does, how many funny activities he developes during classes to motivate the kids, how much he loved his wife and that he is about to have a kid, how much fun he got traveling abroad with his wife now that they both know that they will never have a chance again after the birth.... and i had to pretend that i wasnt dying inside after every bit of information and, then, pretend that my life is a human life too, so i had to lie and tell him that i love my job too, that i had some gf´s in the past and that im searching for one now, that there are things i like like films, games, some philosophers... Really. Really. Fuck. I have not suffered like this since college. I really thought i was going to lose my mind at that moment, that my emotions would take control... I think he noticed how socially retarded i am, how ugly i am, and how pathetic i am when i clearly lie, because he suddenly left me in peace. Maybe he noticed i was about to cry. Im such a fucking beta male it amazes even me sometimes. I fucking hate myself so much. I wish i was a robot. No emotions, no free will, no lack of humanity, no desires.
You know... I used to read, a lot. I could barely read the last two years, because i had to study to get this job... But I loved to read when i was younger and i didnt realized that i wasnt even human. I didnt even mind to read romantic stuff... It hurts so much to think about me in the past, when i thought that i also could get involved in a relationship like humans do... But not going to lie. I cant now. I cant read, i cant watch films, i cant play games, i cant even come here to the only place in the universe that i can be accepted as a ugly male because of social anxiety and fucking depression. Im so tired and depressed, this is beyond what humans are designed to bare. My life is just a chaos now, and its not going to be better, at all. All i can do is go to work, come back, get drunk, cry and sleep. I just want a human life. This is not a life, this is nothing.
The next generations are doomed. Most males in my classes ignore me and the rest of teachers, dont want to go to college and are proud of their ignorance. On the other hand, most girls work litteraly too much, have absurd aspirations and try to be cultivated. Our society created this, and there is no turning back. I really dont know how the future will be, and, tbh, i hope im dead before i can see the consequences of this retarded and decadent social engineering. Some girls really think they are like godesses, ive NEVER seen this irl before.... because everyone tells them they are GODESSES: tv, music, films, hs teachers (most of them foids), family, friends, bf´s, politicians, etc... The next generation of foids will be the most demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, deluded, self-entitled and centered and cruel in human history. They think they deserve everything. They hate males (except chad of course), and dont need to hide it. They have no respect for anyone. Even the most absurdly ugly of them all want a rich, handsome, tall, big cocked and smart bf. You can feel how superior they feel compared to you. I behave like the fucking teen and they like adults when i really really have to talk to any of them because i cant avoid it.
Most days im basically asexual (depression helps a lot) but when im not... its hell. Litteraly hell. The worst hell i could ever imagined. I am so emotionally upset after seeing all the jb's as sexual objects (which I evade 99% of the time) that I feel a total and absolute anxiety: the tachycardic heart, sweating, incapable of thinking straight... and when i finally leave the HS, its like being sick. I have to go back and sleep like im litteraly sick as if i had fever. I really dont want to fuck them, im way too beta to even think about it seriously but... their presence, their perfect bodies, their voices.... how to fucking ignore those. I can delide myself thinking that jb´s dont exist, that they are not as attractive, that there are not so many, they dont like older men... but when you have to be with tons of them for hours every day, i just cant delude myself. They exist, there are a lot of them, they are absurdly attractive and they would love to fuck every chad that they have near them. This is the truth. It hurts so fucking much....
Ive done so many stupid things. All of them because, for a moment, i doubted about my subhumanity. Not again. Ever. It was before christmas holydays. There is a foid teacher that seemed to be interested in me (i know, i know... let me be retarded for a while). Older than me, divorced, had no kids (apparently), allways smiling at me, trying to help me (because im a noob), even made some physical contact once (grabbed me by the arm)... and she was my looksmatch or below (im a solid 3/10 again, because i really take the time to shave, dress well, shower, wear contact lenses...). She was kind to everyone, but specially and clearly towards me. So, i thought... why not? She is the one that seems interested, she talks to me and smiles at me. Im not a creep if i just follow her clues and, just... just.. invite her to take a coffee (with a good excuse, i wanted to know something about the teacher im substituting, it was not a "date", just half an hour talking with her, we bot "alone" in the bar, like im human, you know...). Yep. I did it again. Male thirst knows no limits, it is true. After i dont even know, probably more than 100 real life rejections (and +1000 online), i TRIED IT AGAIN. Like a fucking MORON. AAAAAAnd got fucking rejected, of course. She seemed to be so confused... then, she stopped looking at me like an asexual piece of furniture and FINALLY looked at me as a male, judging me from her male standards and... showed a disgusted face. She made up an excuse and left, and, SINCE FUCKING THEN, she litteraly dodges my presence like a painful sickness. I dont even know what the fuck went wrong. It wasnt a date. Was it so fucking obvious? Am i that ugly? That socially retarded? Did i just assumed that her basic kindness were massive IOI´s towards me? But ive not seen her behaving that kind towards anyone... I dont know. It hurt so much.
I tried to pay for some therapy again too. But i payed and... never went. The therapist finally stopped calling back some days ago. I dont want to talk to him. I CANT talk to him. All i can do is shut the fuck up or cry, and i didnt want to cry in front of a stranger that probably hates me anyway.
I was supposed to study logic during the vacations, because i have NO IDEA about it, and i had to began to explain it... today. But the moment i went back to my parents house, all the depression i avoided and pretended to not be there hit again. I rediscovered myself, my "true self" ... a pathetic being, neither animal nor human, who will live and die completely alone for reasons beyond my control. A sad piece of reality that does not work and wants to die but can not because he is too coward. Meat uselessly vertical, as Cioran said. A piece of who knows what that refuses to die despite being a walking contradiction. The ugliest ornament of emptiness. A great shit that no one can love or respect. A machine made of meat and feces, designed to function as a human being, but never will and its in pain, like a fucking cancer. A permanent and painful state of eternal interruption of the human nature. A bridge to a place that no one wants to go to and everyone has forgotten already. A greeting to absolutely nobody, a farewell to absolutely nobody. That is what I am, and what I will always be. A monster. The most useless suspension of nothingness ever happened.
So... i didnt study logic. I didnt write here, i could not even play fucking leage of legeds. Ive spent my entire christmas crying and smoking as much weed as i can (because i finally have money) and today I made a fool of myself because I did not really know what I was explaining. But who cares.
Not me. Not you. Nobody cares. And its nobodys fault. Im a monster, my life is shit, and i really dont know what to do with it. It never fucking began. Im so tired of this. If this is the "economical liberation of having a job", if this is as much as I can aspire to as a subhuman crap, then I think I've had enough. I dont even know what to do with the money. All i do is buying alcohol and weed. If it wasnt for the drugs, i would be dead by now.
And lets not talk about my family, my male cousins and my brother having all of them beautiful gf´s. Lets not talk about couples in class. Lets not talk about happy music about being human and having freinds during christmas. Lets not talk about so much stuff that wants me dead.
This is what i wanted. To have a job, to have money, to finally leave my parents house again. And its hell. The best that life can offer me is hell
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