I am 25 years old, turning 26 soon. The first time I seriously thought about ending my life was when I was 19, and those thoughts have never gone away. Ever since finishing high school, life has gradually lost its meaning. Everything feels pointless, and I constantly ask myself, "What's the point?"
I've never felt motivated to pursue a career. Working low-paying jobs feels like slavery rather than living, and even after getting my current office job, my mental state became worse instead of better, because I work a highly qualified job with people around the globe but the pay is shit regardless unlike oir clients, what a cosmic irony. I struggle to get out of bed because I don't feel like I have anything to wake up for. I'm often late to work because I simply can't find the motivation to start the day.
I also feel unwanted on a personal level. I don't feel desirable not only to the opposite sex, but also to my parents and family. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had been born a girl because I see the whore next door making in a single night more than what I earn in a month, please do not confuse this with transgenderism but what's even the point of making someone richer at the cost of your mental and physical well being?
The combination of financial hardship, social isolation, and feeling like a disappointment has left me feeling detached from life. I spend a lot of time thinking about death. Although I'm afraid to act on those thoughts, I sometimes find myself taking unnecessary risks when I'm outside to chase death because part of me no longer cares what happens.
Watching my peers move ahead in life with support from their families while feeling like I have no leverage or safety net has made it incredibly difficult to believe that starting from nothing is worth it. Things that used to distract me or bring me comfort no longer work. I keep returning to the same vidya and shows that once made me happy, but as soon as they're over, the hopelessness comes back.
I sometimes wonder whether my mental health would have been different if my family had been financially secure, or if I had felt there was some kind of safety net. Right now, I feel trapped, without motivation or hope for the future. These thoughts have been with me for years, and I'm afraid they will eventually overwhelm me one day.
I've never felt motivated to pursue a career. Working low-paying jobs feels like slavery rather than living, and even after getting my current office job, my mental state became worse instead of better, because I work a highly qualified job with people around the globe but the pay is shit regardless unlike oir clients, what a cosmic irony. I struggle to get out of bed because I don't feel like I have anything to wake up for. I'm often late to work because I simply can't find the motivation to start the day.
I also feel unwanted on a personal level. I don't feel desirable not only to the opposite sex, but also to my parents and family. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had been born a girl because I see the whore next door making in a single night more than what I earn in a month, please do not confuse this with transgenderism but what's even the point of making someone richer at the cost of your mental and physical well being?
The combination of financial hardship, social isolation, and feeling like a disappointment has left me feeling detached from life. I spend a lot of time thinking about death. Although I'm afraid to act on those thoughts, I sometimes find myself taking unnecessary risks when I'm outside to chase death because part of me no longer cares what happens.
Watching my peers move ahead in life with support from their families while feeling like I have no leverage or safety net has made it incredibly difficult to believe that starting from nothing is worth it. Things that used to distract me or bring me comfort no longer work. I keep returning to the same vidya and shows that once made me happy, but as soon as they're over, the hopelessness comes back.
I sometimes wonder whether my mental health would have been different if my family had been financially secure, or if I had felt there was some kind of safety net. Right now, I feel trapped, without motivation or hope for the future. These thoughts have been with me for years, and I'm afraid they will eventually overwhelm me one day.
