I never had any doubts about my relationship until posting stuff about it on Reddit. I've received a lot of comments and DMs saying he deserves so much better than me and I must be impossible to deal with.
The problem is me, not him. Everyone (on Reddit and all my friends) agree that he is a massive green flag.
I have PTSD because I was raped. This was a few years ago. I'm 17 now. I haven't gotten any better.
I love my boyfriend so much. He's so supportive of my trauma. He is literally the best thing to ever happen to my life. I've opened up to him about everything that happened and he's opened up to me about his own problems and traumatic things he's been through.
Sometimes at like 3am I'll wake up from a PTSD nightmare, and I'll call him, crying and hysterical, and he comforts me and stays on call with me for hours talking to me.
Also, I get triggered often if someone touches me unexpectedly. My boyfriend always asks if it's ok before holding my hand, or hugging me, and especially before kissing me. Oh yeah, another thing- it was only recently we had our first kiss despite being together for almost a year. We're taking things slow. Like, VEEEERYY slow (that's kinda because of me... but he doesn't pressure me to do anything at all. I feel bad though).
So yeah I got various DMs from creeps and incels (one of them was calling me a 'r4pe sl*t), one was saying how he feels sorry for my boyfriend bc my bf is "stuck in a sexless relationship".
Here are two comments I've received:
"Go see a psychiatrist. You're insane. You should not be dating if you can't emotionally handle dating."
And this one. Ahhh, the last part would probably make you very angry.
"You have problems that you must overcome. Any guy that has been affectionate with a girl would never ask if he could hug or kiss that girl. Once you have been agreeably affectionate it would been unnatural to have to ask for a simple hug. Just suck it up and hug him back and you will get over your fears quickly. If you can’t get over it you should not date until you have recovered. Personally I think you are being a drama queen. I was SA as a boy and never suffered any mental issues as I did not feel guilty."
Anyway, a lot of people said I'm ruining his life and am really shitty for it.
I recently came across a quote about how if you love someone sometimes you have to learn to let go (or something along these lines). Idk if it's even relevant in this context but it made me cry because I feel like shit because according to some people I'm ruining his life. I love him so much. I can't break up with him.
I've asked him before if he feels my problems are burdening him, and he said absolutely not and reassured me that I can tell him anything and he doesn't mind. I also asks me if he finds me a nightmare to deal with (what a few people on Reddit have said it must be like) and he looked really shocked I had suggested that and said absolutely not, never, and he's never been happier since meeting me.
I'd appreciate any advice or reassurance. I keep feeling like shit and hating myself for this. I don't want to end things with him. But am I selfish and shitty for not doing that? Do I have to?