It has to do with my sleep. Today I went to bed at 2am, slept 8 hours until 10am then rotted for a bit. In the last days I went to bed at 10pm and I felt more energy and more of a stronger mindset, that can endure more pain.
Now I researched stuff about antiaging, specifically eye area and it hit me especially hard how insanely difficult it is to cling on to your youthfulness. And how the body just decays a little every day.
A few days ago I would have been more numb to it. I would have been less phased by it, like a machine that just keeps going. But now I'm getting more emotional and almost cried because I'll never be an 18yo prettyboy with a young teenage girl. I will be ugly and old for the rest of my life.
Not just that, but the fact that everything revolves around looks and youth is incredibly depressing. All the positive feelings, all the human connections, it is all dependent on your looks. The superficial nature of humanity just affects me more today than usual. Most humans probably think that they're really complex and that life holds so many secrets and interesting experiences, but that's not the case. Even if you're good looking humans are so incredibly shallow. And that actually makes sense because if you remove people's looks, then what is left? Not a whole lot, even most of the inner life that humans have revolves around looks in some way.
I've had nice conversations with some girls, but I realized that they had this mental image of me and they pictured me as a good looking guy. If their brain didn't do that, they would have had zero interest in conversing with me. Like if they knew I was ugly, obviously they wouldn't have written me. But even beyond that, it was necessary for their brain to picture me as attractive, because otherwise, they would have not engaged in a personal conversation.
It just sucks how there really isn't a whole lot beyond the blackpill. I can't deal with the fact that I know that my life is over and that I will never have certain things, just because of something so stupid like my facial bones not being a few millimeters thicker in certain areas.
Now I researched stuff about antiaging, specifically eye area and it hit me especially hard how insanely difficult it is to cling on to your youthfulness. And how the body just decays a little every day.
A few days ago I would have been more numb to it. I would have been less phased by it, like a machine that just keeps going. But now I'm getting more emotional and almost cried because I'll never be an 18yo prettyboy with a young teenage girl. I will be ugly and old for the rest of my life.
Not just that, but the fact that everything revolves around looks and youth is incredibly depressing. All the positive feelings, all the human connections, it is all dependent on your looks. The superficial nature of humanity just affects me more today than usual. Most humans probably think that they're really complex and that life holds so many secrets and interesting experiences, but that's not the case. Even if you're good looking humans are so incredibly shallow. And that actually makes sense because if you remove people's looks, then what is left? Not a whole lot, even most of the inner life that humans have revolves around looks in some way.
I've had nice conversations with some girls, but I realized that they had this mental image of me and they pictured me as a good looking guy. If their brain didn't do that, they would have had zero interest in conversing with me. Like if they knew I was ugly, obviously they wouldn't have written me. But even beyond that, it was necessary for their brain to picture me as attractive, because otherwise, they would have not engaged in a personal conversation.
It just sucks how there really isn't a whole lot beyond the blackpill. I can't deal with the fact that I know that my life is over and that I will never have certain things, just because of something so stupid like my facial bones not being a few millimeters thicker in certain areas.
