So I'm autistic, have severe OCD that gives me severe constant unrelenting anxiety, strange facial features that make people react negatively to my appearance every time I go outside, am completely friendless and lonely and also have constant tourettes so my daily conscious existence is nothing short of torture
The only thing that gives me any respite is alcohol, I tried going sober for all of February but the whole time I kept having this voice in my head yelling "KILL YOURSELF!!", my brain just kept spamming it on me and it even turned into a tourettes tic too, by voices I don't mean literally hearing voices but my internal monologue just kept spamming me with it, it was really distressing and coupled with the agonising anxiety and constant panic my OCD caused I just couldn't go on and gave into alcohol in march, I've managed to stay at just two beers with some kratom afterwards (kratom by itself isn't an option because it gives me horrible anxiety if I take it on its own), and sure enough this voice shouting kill yourself has stopped, but just two beers is starting to not be satisfying enough and I'm worried I'll hit the whisky again which landed me in hospital twice, first time from a seizure caused by low sodium, and the second time was because I got so drunk I kept falling over and hitting myself and worried the shit out of my parents so they sent an ambulance, the second time was absolutely traumatic because I was pacing around the hospital hallway going insane with panic from the rebound anxiety
I couldn't cope with the 1% possibility of that happening again but I truly just can't cope with my existence and my consciousness sober, it's too tortuous, my brain is just too defective, but I obviously can't just become a flat out alcoholic again so I truly think CTB is genuinely my only option at this point
The only thing that gives me any respite is alcohol, I tried going sober for all of February but the whole time I kept having this voice in my head yelling "KILL YOURSELF!!", my brain just kept spamming it on me and it even turned into a tourettes tic too, by voices I don't mean literally hearing voices but my internal monologue just kept spamming me with it, it was really distressing and coupled with the agonising anxiety and constant panic my OCD caused I just couldn't go on and gave into alcohol in march, I've managed to stay at just two beers with some kratom afterwards (kratom by itself isn't an option because it gives me horrible anxiety if I take it on its own), and sure enough this voice shouting kill yourself has stopped, but just two beers is starting to not be satisfying enough and I'm worried I'll hit the whisky again which landed me in hospital twice, first time from a seizure caused by low sodium, and the second time was because I got so drunk I kept falling over and hitting myself and worried the shit out of my parents so they sent an ambulance, the second time was absolutely traumatic because I was pacing around the hospital hallway going insane with panic from the rebound anxiety
I couldn't cope with the 1% possibility of that happening again but I truly just can't cope with my existence and my consciousness sober, it's too tortuous, my brain is just too defective, but I obviously can't just become a flat out alcoholic again so I truly think CTB is genuinely my only option at this point
