I never got to experience teen love, women were never into me. Other kids would egg me on to ask girls on a date or for kiss just to laugh at me when those girls got grossed out. Teen love is so innocent and pure, no consideration for what the other person offers to them because It's not some transactional bullshit were you have to offer material things/physical labor in exchange for sex on the occasion. You just love each other and want to help each other succeed in a shared life goal. A woman that would actively compete with me to push me to my limits and make me a better person, that's what i needed. I always had the competitive spirit so i would have happily obliged.
Sometimes I just wish i had proper friends, real friends those who would be there for me in my darkest of times. But to the people that gave me the most attention were the ones who saw me as a clown to entertain them through boring school day. They only cared about what antics i would get up to, I often got in trouble just to entertain them so they would give me attention that I so longingly craved because I thought it meant they cared about me, but when i stopped being a clown because i was too sad to make fool of myself anymore, it was like i never even existed. If it weren't for my parents i would not be alive today. Another quiet suicide that nobody cares about just like that kid who was a grade below me who jumped off a bridge, I Would have been long forgotten by now. Despite the amount times they joked that i was a potential be school shooter, I never had the evil in my heart to do it.
