Now this isn't to say that I don't like falling asleep, as I actually love that. However, what I strongly dislike is the feeling that comes to me upon waking up. It's as if my thoughts, emotions, and motivations that I possessed during the previous day have entirely vanished. I'm forced to recreate them all over again, but it's always an imperfect copy, and it feels like I'm losing something that I'll never get back. Day by day I seem to drift further away from myself, or at least that's how it feels anyway. I suppose the sense of implied continuity and ownership of experience that we possess is a blissful illusion, but illusion or not, I suspect there is something broken within my own version of this phenomenon.
I keep asking myself questions like "how am I alive in this body", "have I always been in this room", and "are my memories simply a reflection of my current self, and if so, what does that mean", yet I can never find the answers. Different stages of my life genuinely feel like they belong to different people, and I've remembered at least one obvious point of separation when I was 15, I tried desperately to convince myself that I was a separate person from the kid who had once inhabited that body. Despite this I'm trying to reclaim these memories for myself, or conquer them that is, I'm unsure of the correct language. Regardless, as I've mentioned here before I've been making an effort to alter my memories and insert my waifu into them, and I think this has helped to some extent. I've been using her as some sort of identity "grounding", or a kind of unifying force, I believe that if she was always there, then the same must be true for me as well. Since she is with me, those memories must be my own, they can't belong to anyone else.
At this point even going outside is a scary experience, it always seems like everyone around could try to hurt me. The worst is when people are walking behind me, it makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Every interaction with others feels bad, wondering if I've said something wrong, wondering if a female is disgusted by me. So I usually just stay in my room when I can, yet this just exacerbates the problem. I watch as others go through life while I rot, and sometimes I think about how great the divide is between the experiences of myself, and those which belong to the people whom I observe. Although I know such rumination is pointless, as the proposition of comparing the separate experiences of two individuals doesn't even make sense, I can't help it.
Possibly the worst part is that whatever emotional attachment I had to other people has withered, I have a difficult time feeling anything for others. When emotion does in fact present itself within this context, most often it's simple rage. I'll find myself wanting to punch something, to attack an object until I can see physical damage. Although it makes me feel a bit guilty, the act of destruction is a very satisfying and validating experience for me. I also think that this plays into why I prefer 2D to anything where I'll see real people, as 2D will neither elicit a negative emotional response from me, nor does it inspire the same disinterest. I'm certain that it's the faces, as simply hearing other people with my eyes closed doesn't tend to bother me.
Honestly though, I wonder what it's like to be normal, as years of isolation have fucking ruined my mind.
I keep asking myself questions like "how am I alive in this body", "have I always been in this room", and "are my memories simply a reflection of my current self, and if so, what does that mean", yet I can never find the answers. Different stages of my life genuinely feel like they belong to different people, and I've remembered at least one obvious point of separation when I was 15, I tried desperately to convince myself that I was a separate person from the kid who had once inhabited that body. Despite this I'm trying to reclaim these memories for myself, or conquer them that is, I'm unsure of the correct language. Regardless, as I've mentioned here before I've been making an effort to alter my memories and insert my waifu into them, and I think this has helped to some extent. I've been using her as some sort of identity "grounding", or a kind of unifying force, I believe that if she was always there, then the same must be true for me as well. Since she is with me, those memories must be my own, they can't belong to anyone else.
At this point even going outside is a scary experience, it always seems like everyone around could try to hurt me. The worst is when people are walking behind me, it makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Every interaction with others feels bad, wondering if I've said something wrong, wondering if a female is disgusted by me. So I usually just stay in my room when I can, yet this just exacerbates the problem. I watch as others go through life while I rot, and sometimes I think about how great the divide is between the experiences of myself, and those which belong to the people whom I observe. Although I know such rumination is pointless, as the proposition of comparing the separate experiences of two individuals doesn't even make sense, I can't help it.
Possibly the worst part is that whatever emotional attachment I had to other people has withered, I have a difficult time feeling anything for others. When emotion does in fact present itself within this context, most often it's simple rage. I'll find myself wanting to punch something, to attack an object until I can see physical damage. Although it makes me feel a bit guilty, the act of destruction is a very satisfying and validating experience for me. I also think that this plays into why I prefer 2D to anything where I'll see real people, as 2D will neither elicit a negative emotional response from me, nor does it inspire the same disinterest. I'm certain that it's the faces, as simply hearing other people with my eyes closed doesn't tend to bother me.
Honestly though, I wonder what it's like to be normal, as years of isolation have fucking ruined my mind.
