I use this site to vent a lot, and perhaps it's selfish of me, but I hope some of you guys can relate and just know there's someone else out there with the same feelings and similar experiences. I've been friendless for a long time now, going on a year of severe social isolation that's just eating me alive every single day. I wish there were someone I could talk to, share experiences with, and enjoy hobbies with. I've always said I want a clone of me to spend time with; it would make inceldom more bearable. During this time, I've thought a lot about my past friendships. I dwell on the past a lot, mostly because being farther away from death is always appealing to me. I was also happier, less exposed to harsh truths, and less exposed to the bowels of the internet. I've always been the type to have only a few friends. I learned to value the people I spend my time with after my dad died of an overdose when I was eight. I never doubted that those I spent my time with felt any different, but over time, I was proven wrong. During my childhood, I had four friends I considered close friends. One was very popular and later became a Chad, who is 6'5 and played on the Football team. I always knew I wasn't a priority for him, so our friendship waned in Middle School. I had two Jewish friends with whom I was close since Elementary school. In sixth grade, there was an incident that happened where I found out one of them was talking shit about me to the other, and it was never the same after that, and we stopped talking. The other two friends I'd consider best friends at different points in my life. I got along super well with my other best friend during my earlier years, both Star Wars fans, both liked Legos, WW2 history, both liked model trains (Ho scale), and we both liked playing with stuffed animals together (in retrospect, it was weird for boys, but we made up wars with them). I think about the guy quite a bit, and I miss the fun we had together, a lot of my early development took place with him at his house; we used to have sleepovers almost every weekend. That was all in elementary school, and boy, were those fun times. Not having a sex drive was bliss; I felt like I could be myself. I doubt life will ever be better than then. Even after my dad died, I was able to cope well with that friendship. My other Jewish friend later became my best friend during Middle School and early High School. We got along well and even went on vacations together for a few years; we were both similar in that we weren't very popular with girls at all. We were both into memes and darker humor. However, over time, we grew apart. He grew, he made other friends, he got jobs, he had a girlfriend in 11th grade, he was doing well in school, meanwhile, I was struggling, I was making no progress, he was mentally stable I wasn't, I opened up to him and the power balance changed, I was always somewhat more dominant while he was the little guy, he grew to overshadow me, I was asking him for help, he saw the weakness and progressively cut me off, we haven't talked since. I feel like much of the same happened with my earlier best friend, but more subtly. My takeaway from all of this is that friends aren't shit. They never cared about me the way I did about them; the friendship was never as deep for them as it was for me. During the later stages of my high school best friend's friendship, I'd be the one who'd be inviting him over all the time; he frequently had friends over and never invited me. It became clear toward the end that he wanted nothing to do with me and had many other friends, while I had none. I still haven't gotten over losing these friendships. I never learned how to deal with loss the right way.
