34, always felt different & couldn't connect with ppl well, bullying at school & was small coming into a growth spurt later on.
Got a feeling I might be autistic around mid twenties, finally saw a professional & was diagnosed asperger's at 33, explained so many failings.
Grew up a whitey English in poor immigrant heavy part of London, mother with diogenes syndrome, low intelligence, hoarding tendencies, lack of hygiene & would do a ritual of searching you before being allowed out, had to climb out a window to get out a few times, she had bipolar & would bang her head against the wall at times, every day saying today was worse than the previous & wishing she was dead.
Father is high functioning autistic that never got diagnosed as it wasn't really known back then, about 5'6 in prime, deadbeat never worked a day in my entire 34 years of life, was addicted to valium at one point laying in bed until 3pm, high anxiety & can't make eye contact, would always be out gambling or playing sports.
I'd go to primary school unwashed, holes in clothes & had to claim free school meals. Not really vocal & wouldn't initiate conversation. One thing I recall is there was a spell where as each class would get called in to the cafeteria I'd hide behind a tree to avoid going in as I found the noise overwhelming, eratic behaviour of others & talking with mouth full of food, some food textures & food trays having old crusted food on or hairs not particularly pleasant & so was anorexic.
Racial bias didn't become a factor until secondary school, attending a school full of predominantly Kurds & blacks.
After a lack of familial & friend support on top of the bullying & not understanding wtf was going on other than knowing this don't feel good I felt depressed & suicidal, (so called friends turning on me for their own gain being quite common) I ended up dropping out of school & as such for the most part am hikikomori.
I didn't want to do stuff that I felt would upset my patents as I felt their lack of interest in I was due to faults in myself but only realized later on on life it was due to their mental illness & difficulty in coping with everything, if I'd known that then I would probably have lashed out at the bullies but that self-restraint for wrong reasons combined with not being taught assertion & sticking up for myself/fighting strategy by my father leas to what it was. I've made steps for work & such before but just hasn't stuck & it's more a case of putting up with it rather than enjoyment having to go out to interact with others. It doesn't get better, just seems like life becomes more grey.
There's a bunch more I could write but I cba as this is long enough, not a woe is me, just telling how it was.
