It's getting bad , the stress is rising and that feeling of hopelessness is ever present. The copes too are growing weaker , as expected. I always knew things would get worse , Just 2.5 years ago @Ryo_Hazuki said that things can get much worse and i'll look back on 2020 with fondness and that's exactly what's happening. 2020 was awful , yet i wish i could go back.
The cause of my stress is none other than my living conditions , sexual frustration as well as my insecurities as a (sub)human. On the living conditions part , I'm from a ''fallen'' middle class family in a 3rd world country. As the years pass me by , i notice that our financial situations haven't improved at all , on the contrary , they're worsening and this has caused quite a lot of discomforts in my daily life that are taking a toll on me , I could go about naming each one , but i don't feel like doing so , too much neglect. My mother's health has declined , she has thrombosis and her movement has been affected. At first , i thought it was just going to be a couple of months , but it's been 9 months and there's no sign of her getting better. She pretty much cannot function by herself and i've had to put some effort on my part to make things work , of course i also feel bad seeing my mother in such an state , I know it's affecting her mentally. Even so , I find myself asking her almost everyday why did she brought me to this world. I'm filled with anxiety everytime i think about how much this situation could potentially last , well , not just this situation , but everything as a whole. To live life as an ugly , poor ethnic trapped in third world is just demoralizing , what am i even supposed to do?
My appearance , my appearance that has denied me out of many pleasurable experiences. There's not much to say this here that hasn't been said , you guys understand this particular misery. I tried to turn to some ''positivity'' that there are others in worse situations or that there's still something i can make of myself. But everyday a little bit of me dies and anytime i engage in serious thought i reach the conclusion , the belief that it's over , it's pointless , everything turns to the rope. For me , it's hard to picture myself roping , but i'm well aware it's the only solution out of this hellhole , at least , it seems so. I'll never get what i want...and sometimes i feel like i don't even know what i want. To conclude , I shouldn't have existed.
The cause of my stress is none other than my living conditions , sexual frustration as well as my insecurities as a (sub)human. On the living conditions part , I'm from a ''fallen'' middle class family in a 3rd world country. As the years pass me by , i notice that our financial situations haven't improved at all , on the contrary , they're worsening and this has caused quite a lot of discomforts in my daily life that are taking a toll on me , I could go about naming each one , but i don't feel like doing so , too much neglect. My mother's health has declined , she has thrombosis and her movement has been affected. At first , i thought it was just going to be a couple of months , but it's been 9 months and there's no sign of her getting better. She pretty much cannot function by herself and i've had to put some effort on my part to make things work , of course i also feel bad seeing my mother in such an state , I know it's affecting her mentally. Even so , I find myself asking her almost everyday why did she brought me to this world. I'm filled with anxiety everytime i think about how much this situation could potentially last , well , not just this situation , but everything as a whole. To live life as an ugly , poor ethnic trapped in third world is just demoralizing , what am i even supposed to do?
My appearance , my appearance that has denied me out of many pleasurable experiences. There's not much to say this here that hasn't been said , you guys understand this particular misery. I tried to turn to some ''positivity'' that there are others in worse situations or that there's still something i can make of myself. But everyday a little bit of me dies and anytime i engage in serious thought i reach the conclusion , the belief that it's over , it's pointless , everything turns to the rope. For me , it's hard to picture myself roping , but i'm well aware it's the only solution out of this hellhole , at least , it seems so. I'll never get what i want...and sometimes i feel like i don't even know what i want. To conclude , I shouldn't have existed.
