I was thinking about suicide a lot. Was pretty sure I would rope with 25 (I am 23 now) if my life would be still the same hell as it is now and have been since puberty and even befor that. However I still had hope working on myself and lookmaxxing would fix my problems (inceldom, no friends, socially awkward, ugly and all the other typically incel problems).
But the truth is I am already a broken man at this point. I have tried so much already and right now I just have no motivation left. Everyday is pure pain. I hate so much being myself at this point. I am so full of anger, hate, bitterness, sadness and disgust. As a kid I would have never believed I would become the person I am now. All I am doing is LDAR actually. I manage somehow to hit the gym regularly and do as liitle as needed to keep my job and stay in university. Even though I would lose job and would drop out of university in a year or so because I am working like with 5% effort there.
Bluepilled normies always be like: "Ur awkward behaviour and personality is causing ur loneliness, isolation and that everyone rejects you."
And actually there is some truth in there because even if for some odd and magical reason a femoid wouldn't reject me because of my physical appearance my fucked up personality would scare her away.
But blackpill here: It's not our behaviour and personality that caused our loneliness and the rejections. All the rejections and the endless loneliness
created our fucked up personality and behaviour.
We are the creatures that they created.
I mean think about it. How should you not become a socially awkward weirdo if everyone rejects you, if you were always the guy who was isolated, always the loser and always treated like scum. It's normal that you flee in isolation, in video games and all this shit!
Just because of ugliness, feminism and the way modern society and culture works in general.
I just can't bear my life much longer and I can't really improve neither because I lost all hope, motivation and I just don't believe improve is really possible tbh.
So I came up with a different approach. I have a fixed date now where I will rope. It's the 16th November 2018.
Why exactly that strange day?
One of my favourite bands announced five years ago a big gig near where I live for exactly that date. Back then with 18 I wanted to go there and thought my life would be much better at this point. Maybe I could go there with friends or even with my gf then. If I would have knew my life will be the same painful shit full of suffering like it was with 18 I would have surely roped back then already. Probably my life is even worse now than with 18 because from 18 on every day you live unsuccessfully everything gets worse because you are basically paying with your potential and your youth for each day. So yeah the day is kinda good to do it then.
However I will make a last attempt to fix myself. I will try to escape the inceldom, being attractive to femoids and finally get a gf.
It will be my last fight. Probably my last gasp.
So either I can finally archive some happiness in my life or I will end my life at 16th November. In both ways pain will go away and I can finally escape this hell. I really believe the fact that I know I will end it if I dont succeed will fuel me to do everything I can to improve. Even when it's painful and everything will fail I know the pain will definitely go away. So this will give me the energy to do it.
And maybe maybe maybe with much luck too my improvements will have an impact and I will succeed and I can finally be one time happy in my life and don't have to rope.
Some of you may say 23 is in any case way to young to rope. But I just can't make it any longer. Some here seem to live well with their incel fate but I can't. I believe the problem is that I am very emotional and high in neuroticism. I am so desperate for female love and affection it turned my life in hell. I sometimes pretend like I wouldn't care but I am just trying to lie to myself then.
So what I will do the next months to avoid the rope and escape hell:
-moving to a bigger city. I also study there. Should give me more access to people. (Early August, depends on how fast I will find a suitable apartment).
-being industrious in my job and in university. To lift my consciousness and feel more useful. (Start from today)
-I will approach 1000 girls to find gf (tribute to @uninstall). (Will start next week. Probably won't make it to 1000 in 4 months but I will try hard)
-I will go into some clubs and bars at weekends. Implied the bouncer will let an ugly Incel in. (As soon as I moved to the new city)
-will get a haircut at a expensive designer barbershop. (Next week but depends on how fast I get a appointment. The haircut will cost around 70€.)
-I will continue mewing. Although I am sure mewing simply don't work. It's more of a lookism meme (just press your tongue against the top of ur mouth bro
) besides that even if it would work I am with 23 to old for any good results. (Already started)
-visting a beautician. Maybe she can fix my acne a bit. But even doctor's couldn't do it, so I doubt she can. Also she should plug my eyebrows. (As soon as I moved to bigger city)
-will continue using regain (I believe its called rogain in the US) to fix my patchy beard. I hope for good results. (Already 2 weeks in)
-shred down to 10% bodyfat. I am gymcel for 4 years now. But I focused on bulking. Will go down now with the bodyfat currently at around 18%. But btw 4 years may sound a lot but cuz of my bad genetics I didn't really have much muscles. I look like a guy who trained for half a year or so. (Already started)
-buy a bunch of new clothes maybe even go to a fashion consultant. (Also after I moved to the bigger city).
-Will pay a photographer to get some decent pictures of me. (After haircut, beard fixed, low bodyfat and new clothes).
-will run Tinder and additional dating apps (with the proper pictures ofc)and try to get matches. Will buy premium on all of this apps so endless swiping is possible. (After I have the photos but not later than october)
The last weeks:
If nothing has worked till November I will probably just try to enjoy the last two weeks of my life. I will try out escort and just normal prostitutes (It's legal where I live) probably daily. Also I would try out all drugs available. I never did any drugs besides alcohol befor. And then rope at 16th. Maybe I will write a short book to tell my story. But I won't go ER so nobody would care about my story. So not sure about the book.
I won't rope if I have success. Success would mean a girl I find attractive would be attracted by me. But just a Tinder match or get a number from a street approach wouldn't be enough. At least made it to 3rd date and at least a kiss. Don't need sex that badly. But at least a somewhat romantic encounter would prove me that it's not over for me. So I wouldn't rope.
I really think I will be able to do all those things. Because even if everything fails I know hell is over at 16th November.
But I really hope I will have success.
But the truth is I am already a broken man at this point. I have tried so much already and right now I just have no motivation left. Everyday is pure pain. I hate so much being myself at this point. I am so full of anger, hate, bitterness, sadness and disgust. As a kid I would have never believed I would become the person I am now. All I am doing is LDAR actually. I manage somehow to hit the gym regularly and do as liitle as needed to keep my job and stay in university. Even though I would lose job and would drop out of university in a year or so because I am working like with 5% effort there.
Bluepilled normies always be like: "Ur awkward behaviour and personality is causing ur loneliness, isolation and that everyone rejects you."
And actually there is some truth in there because even if for some odd and magical reason a femoid wouldn't reject me because of my physical appearance my fucked up personality would scare her away.
But blackpill here: It's not our behaviour and personality that caused our loneliness and the rejections. All the rejections and the endless loneliness
created our fucked up personality and behaviour.
We are the creatures that they created.
I mean think about it. How should you not become a socially awkward weirdo if everyone rejects you, if you were always the guy who was isolated, always the loser and always treated like scum. It's normal that you flee in isolation, in video games and all this shit!
Just because of ugliness, feminism and the way modern society and culture works in general.
I just can't bear my life much longer and I can't really improve neither because I lost all hope, motivation and I just don't believe improve is really possible tbh.
So I came up with a different approach. I have a fixed date now where I will rope. It's the 16th November 2018.
Why exactly that strange day?
One of my favourite bands announced five years ago a big gig near where I live for exactly that date. Back then with 18 I wanted to go there and thought my life would be much better at this point. Maybe I could go there with friends or even with my gf then. If I would have knew my life will be the same painful shit full of suffering like it was with 18 I would have surely roped back then already. Probably my life is even worse now than with 18 because from 18 on every day you live unsuccessfully everything gets worse because you are basically paying with your potential and your youth for each day. So yeah the day is kinda good to do it then.
However I will make a last attempt to fix myself. I will try to escape the inceldom, being attractive to femoids and finally get a gf.
It will be my last fight. Probably my last gasp.
So either I can finally archive some happiness in my life or I will end my life at 16th November. In both ways pain will go away and I can finally escape this hell. I really believe the fact that I know I will end it if I dont succeed will fuel me to do everything I can to improve. Even when it's painful and everything will fail I know the pain will definitely go away. So this will give me the energy to do it.
And maybe maybe maybe with much luck too my improvements will have an impact and I will succeed and I can finally be one time happy in my life and don't have to rope.
Some of you may say 23 is in any case way to young to rope. But I just can't make it any longer. Some here seem to live well with their incel fate but I can't. I believe the problem is that I am very emotional and high in neuroticism. I am so desperate for female love and affection it turned my life in hell. I sometimes pretend like I wouldn't care but I am just trying to lie to myself then.
So what I will do the next months to avoid the rope and escape hell:
-moving to a bigger city. I also study there. Should give me more access to people. (Early August, depends on how fast I will find a suitable apartment).
-being industrious in my job and in university. To lift my consciousness and feel more useful. (Start from today)
-I will approach 1000 girls to find gf (tribute to @uninstall). (Will start next week. Probably won't make it to 1000 in 4 months but I will try hard)
-I will go into some clubs and bars at weekends. Implied the bouncer will let an ugly Incel in. (As soon as I moved to the new city)
-will get a haircut at a expensive designer barbershop. (Next week but depends on how fast I get a appointment. The haircut will cost around 70€.)
-I will continue mewing. Although I am sure mewing simply don't work. It's more of a lookism meme (just press your tongue against the top of ur mouth bro
) besides that even if it would work I am with 23 to old for any good results. (Already started)-visting a beautician. Maybe she can fix my acne a bit. But even doctor's couldn't do it, so I doubt she can. Also she should plug my eyebrows. (As soon as I moved to bigger city)
-will continue using regain (I believe its called rogain in the US) to fix my patchy beard. I hope for good results. (Already 2 weeks in)
-shred down to 10% bodyfat. I am gymcel for 4 years now. But I focused on bulking. Will go down now with the bodyfat currently at around 18%. But btw 4 years may sound a lot but cuz of my bad genetics I didn't really have much muscles. I look like a guy who trained for half a year or so. (Already started)
-buy a bunch of new clothes maybe even go to a fashion consultant. (Also after I moved to the bigger city).
-Will pay a photographer to get some decent pictures of me. (After haircut, beard fixed, low bodyfat and new clothes).
-will run Tinder and additional dating apps (with the proper pictures ofc)and try to get matches. Will buy premium on all of this apps so endless swiping is possible. (After I have the photos but not later than october)
The last weeks:
If nothing has worked till November I will probably just try to enjoy the last two weeks of my life. I will try out escort and just normal prostitutes (It's legal where I live) probably daily. Also I would try out all drugs available. I never did any drugs besides alcohol befor. And then rope at 16th. Maybe I will write a short book to tell my story. But I won't go ER so nobody would care about my story. So not sure about the book.
I won't rope if I have success. Success would mean a girl I find attractive would be attracted by me. But just a Tinder match or get a number from a street approach wouldn't be enough. At least made it to 3rd date and at least a kiss. Don't need sex that badly. But at least a somewhat romantic encounter would prove me that it's not over for me. So I wouldn't rope.
I really think I will be able to do all those things. Because even if everything fails I know hell is over at 16th November.
But I really hope I will have success.
