Selinity
banned
★
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2020
- Posts
- 3,342
Disclaimer: A little long but I'd appreciate if you could read the whole thing. These are my experiences with the blue pill, red pill and black pill.
In high school I remember believing that looks didn't matter. I thought that if I was more out going or if I was a little more confident and funny that I would be able to win over the hearts of my peers and more importantly, the attention of the female students.
I remember staying up late into the night, researching on how to make the best jokes and trying to find out how to become a better more charismatic person. I would consume all of this PUA garbage until the early morning where I would sleep for 5 hours and then get up, ready to tackle school.
I did everything that I was told to do by these bluepill channels; I put myself out there more, I talked to more girls and joined sports. I even tried a bunch of silly new crap and 'hobbies' to make myself seem more interesting. I ended up being a teen who knew how to play the guitar (at an acceptable/semi-impressive level), speak french (actually proficient in) and was a part of the basketball team. I practiced and practiced my jokes and their delivery, which even managed me to get a few laughs in the circle I would hang out with.
I was on this crazy self-improvement journey spurned by my desire for affection and admiration. I would take on all kinds of hobbies and skills to make myself more interesting. I was coping hard and I didn't even notice it. I felt so good being able to say "My name is ... and I'm good a playing the guitar and cooking, and my hobbies are basketball and learning new things." whenever I'd have to introduce myself. I took up all sorts of stuff, jogging, kinesthetics, soccer, band, computer science, LGBTQ+ acceptance club, student council. I would talk to everyone. I would do literally anything and everything.
It was now junior year and I'd been "personalitymaxxing" for about a year and a half now. I was proud of what I'd become. my social skills where at their peak and I was feeling great about myself. Anyways, I decided that I would do something a little risky. I decided I would test the full extent of my confidence and ask out the girl I liked at the time to a dance that was coming up. I mustered up the courage to ask and she rejected me. To make matters worse I confused in a crowded hallway with the whole school's eyes burning into me. But what she said stuck with me; "Sorry, but I'm not really attracted to you-- you're nice of course and it's not like you're ugly or anything but I'm just not into you."
Why? I thought. Why wouldn't she be attracted to me? I did everything the youtube channels told me. Is it possible that I was wrong, and that I was going about doing everything the wrong way? That day I went home feeling wounded, but still determined. I laugh when I think of myself then, so hopeful, with the motivation to go to crazy lengths. Now I can barely leave my apartment. Anyways, I turned back to youtube, typing things like why aren't women attracted to me and the like until I came about this video: The TRUTH about female nature, red pill explained. (Not actual title, just what I think it was like)
I watched it and was surprised by the teachings of the red pill. What these red pill channels were saying was for the most part untruthful but to my teen self it was like the truth, the answers that I'd always wanted. I consumed more and more red pilled content, and I felt genuinely empowered by my new found "Knowledge" of how the world "really" worked. I began to act like those red pill channels said I had too to get women. It was fucking insane how desperate I was for sex that I'd rewrite my own mannerisms for some used up pussy.
Surprisingly by red pill era was pretty long, lasting until a year after I graduated. Anyways I did this for a little. I found the courage and then I began to approach women. I'd also "gymmaxxed" a bit which had fucked up my growth and left me at 5'8 as an adult. I would approach girl after girl and then one girl rejected me on the way to Math class. She told me "What's wrong with you weirdo. Everyone is right about you." Before leaving off to her class. I sat in math unable to think about anything else but what were people saying about me. I thought people liked me. I was in a friend circle right? Some girls talked to me some times right? I understood the truth right, the red pill didn't lead me down the wrong path, right? My thoughts were running rampant. That day my thoughts were consumed with what others thought of me. I observed their expressions when they looked at me, the things they said to me. What were they hiding from me? What were they thinking.
When I got home I decided that I would do whatever it took to find out the truth of what people thought about me.
This is the end of the first part. This will be 2, maybe 3 parts because I don't know how to fit all of the important details in a more concise way. Thanks for listening.
In high school I remember believing that looks didn't matter. I thought that if I was more out going or if I was a little more confident and funny that I would be able to win over the hearts of my peers and more importantly, the attention of the female students.
I remember staying up late into the night, researching on how to make the best jokes and trying to find out how to become a better more charismatic person. I would consume all of this PUA garbage until the early morning where I would sleep for 5 hours and then get up, ready to tackle school.
I did everything that I was told to do by these bluepill channels; I put myself out there more, I talked to more girls and joined sports. I even tried a bunch of silly new crap and 'hobbies' to make myself seem more interesting. I ended up being a teen who knew how to play the guitar (at an acceptable/semi-impressive level), speak french (actually proficient in) and was a part of the basketball team. I practiced and practiced my jokes and their delivery, which even managed me to get a few laughs in the circle I would hang out with.
I was on this crazy self-improvement journey spurned by my desire for affection and admiration. I would take on all kinds of hobbies and skills to make myself more interesting. I was coping hard and I didn't even notice it. I felt so good being able to say "My name is ... and I'm good a playing the guitar and cooking, and my hobbies are basketball and learning new things." whenever I'd have to introduce myself. I took up all sorts of stuff, jogging, kinesthetics, soccer, band, computer science, LGBTQ+ acceptance club, student council. I would talk to everyone. I would do literally anything and everything.
It was now junior year and I'd been "personalitymaxxing" for about a year and a half now. I was proud of what I'd become. my social skills where at their peak and I was feeling great about myself. Anyways, I decided that I would do something a little risky. I decided I would test the full extent of my confidence and ask out the girl I liked at the time to a dance that was coming up. I mustered up the courage to ask and she rejected me. To make matters worse I confused in a crowded hallway with the whole school's eyes burning into me. But what she said stuck with me; "Sorry, but I'm not really attracted to you-- you're nice of course and it's not like you're ugly or anything but I'm just not into you."
Why? I thought. Why wouldn't she be attracted to me? I did everything the youtube channels told me. Is it possible that I was wrong, and that I was going about doing everything the wrong way? That day I went home feeling wounded, but still determined. I laugh when I think of myself then, so hopeful, with the motivation to go to crazy lengths. Now I can barely leave my apartment. Anyways, I turned back to youtube, typing things like why aren't women attracted to me and the like until I came about this video: The TRUTH about female nature, red pill explained. (Not actual title, just what I think it was like)
I watched it and was surprised by the teachings of the red pill. What these red pill channels were saying was for the most part untruthful but to my teen self it was like the truth, the answers that I'd always wanted. I consumed more and more red pilled content, and I felt genuinely empowered by my new found "Knowledge" of how the world "really" worked. I began to act like those red pill channels said I had too to get women. It was fucking insane how desperate I was for sex that I'd rewrite my own mannerisms for some used up pussy.
Surprisingly by red pill era was pretty long, lasting until a year after I graduated. Anyways I did this for a little. I found the courage and then I began to approach women. I'd also "gymmaxxed" a bit which had fucked up my growth and left me at 5'8 as an adult. I would approach girl after girl and then one girl rejected me on the way to Math class. She told me "What's wrong with you weirdo. Everyone is right about you." Before leaving off to her class. I sat in math unable to think about anything else but what were people saying about me. I thought people liked me. I was in a friend circle right? Some girls talked to me some times right? I understood the truth right, the red pill didn't lead me down the wrong path, right? My thoughts were running rampant. That day my thoughts were consumed with what others thought of me. I observed their expressions when they looked at me, the things they said to me. What were they hiding from me? What were they thinking.
When I got home I decided that I would do whatever it took to find out the truth of what people thought about me.
This is the end of the first part. This will be 2, maybe 3 parts because I don't know how to fit all of the important details in a more concise way. Thanks for listening.