I'm 18, and through my entire teenage years I've lived kind of a life of....... nothing. I've done nothing remarkable as a senior in high school, academically or socially. Especially socially. I've spent just about every weekend of my high school years at home, doing nothing, watching porn, and playing video games. But those things don't really distract me like they used to. I used to gain satisfaction from watching porn, playing video games, doomscrolling, eating shitty food, but now? Nothing. I feel nothing. I more or less just feel an overwhelming sense of..... emptiness. The only thing that I somewhat give a shit about is how badly I want a female companion in my life, but that hasn't gone well at all. In my entire life, I've only been close enough to ask out one girl, which I did over text, and promptly got left on delivered. Not read, but delivered. And blocked. I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness nowadays. I look at couples walking down the street, at school, I look at depictions in media of "love", and I just can't help but feel like, why can't I experience that? Why can't I experience a solid human connection with the opposite gender? Why can't I be worthy of romantic love? Having a solid human connection with a girl that's also romantic seems like something that's so far away and something that I'll never get. I've never experienced being genuinely excited to see someone, genuinely anticipating their next sentence, and being fully "in love" with someone. But I want to feel that. My entire life I've wanted to feel that, and it really does feel like I'll never get that. All I want is a genuine connection to a member of the opposite gender, a genuine bond, and a genuine relationship.
