I know the origin of all of my negative behavior. I know exactly why I behave in certain manners and can track them all back to my upbringing.
I'm deeply avoidant, have a raging inferiority + superiority complex, and I'm a crazy people pleaser. People used to take advantage of me so easily, especially as a kid. I'd go to the store for people, even the ones my age, I'd go fetch water for people, I could never say no. And I can point to the exact poor parenting practices that caused these issues for me.
Long story short, dad cheated on mom when I was like 4. Dads business went to shit so he became broke. He could no longer pay child support. Mom let him slide, but what I believe happened is that he became afraid of her because of it. He started another family and if he ever got on her bad side she could force him to pay up and ruin his life. So he would always be like "You should do what your mother decides is best". He was essentially a non-factor as a parent growing up. Fully passive. He was and is like a buddy to me, we go for walks and chat.
My mom has crazy anger issues and was very strict about grades. She would have angry meltdowns on me over minor things, like me having bad handwriting, getting Bs or getting a spot on my t-shirt. It was constant ungodly levels of screaming. And she's a hard screamer, the whole neighborhood could hear her. And I was also very sensitive to criticism and would cry whenever she'd yell.
In order to avoid her meltdowns, I started minimizing myself within the house (keep in mind it's just the 2 of us living together). If any interaction with her could cause me to get screamed at for no reason, I felt that the best course of action was to fully avoid all interactions with her in order to survive. This exact habit has imprinted itself onto my subconscious, causing me to behave the same way with all people, not just my mom. I'm afraid of them criticizing and judging me so I avoid interacting with them at all costs.
The only time I felt safe was when I got good grades, because when I did that, mom had no excuse to unleash her anger on me and would actually be very nice to me. This is what caused me to become a people pleaser. My instinct is to value myself based on what I can do for others and how I can satisfy them.
To add fuel to the fire my older cousin would regularly punch the shit out of me, always make fun of me, and fully exploit the people pleaser part of my psyche. He'd make a demand, I'd start bitching and crying about it, then in the end I'd do it anyways.
Mom would also invade my privacy. She would listen in on my phone-calls. She would read through my search history to find out what girl I had a crush on and then would playfully mock me about it as a joke but that also fucked me up and caused me to hide every single detail about myself from her. She doesn't know a single opinion I hold other than my diet because I couldn't keep hiding raw meat in the house. To this day I can't have a proper phone-call, I end all phone-calls within 30s because I just feel violated and as if people are listening in on me.
My mom randomly stopped caring about my grades when I was in the 8th grade but the damage had already been done, my personality had been set in stone, I had been turned into a doormat.
Even today, I have a visceral reaction to seeing my mom. At times she'll walk into my room as I'm laying there and try to talk to me (she's been nice to me for the past few years) but I just can't do it. I start turning my head away from her, brushing off her attempts at conversing and can barely look at her or even face her in such moments, like a turbo autist.
Passive dad + Agressive mom = Most passive possible child
Just to clarify I do like both of my parents and am on friendly terms with them, but they did a really, really awful job. Not to mention how they fucked up my physical development by not breastfeeding me and giving me antibiotics regularly until I was 6.
Did you ever think back to your childhood and start connecting dots as to how they fucked you up?
I'm deeply avoidant, have a raging inferiority + superiority complex, and I'm a crazy people pleaser. People used to take advantage of me so easily, especially as a kid. I'd go to the store for people, even the ones my age, I'd go fetch water for people, I could never say no. And I can point to the exact poor parenting practices that caused these issues for me.
Long story short, dad cheated on mom when I was like 4. Dads business went to shit so he became broke. He could no longer pay child support. Mom let him slide, but what I believe happened is that he became afraid of her because of it. He started another family and if he ever got on her bad side she could force him to pay up and ruin his life. So he would always be like "You should do what your mother decides is best". He was essentially a non-factor as a parent growing up. Fully passive. He was and is like a buddy to me, we go for walks and chat.
My mom has crazy anger issues and was very strict about grades. She would have angry meltdowns on me over minor things, like me having bad handwriting, getting Bs or getting a spot on my t-shirt. It was constant ungodly levels of screaming. And she's a hard screamer, the whole neighborhood could hear her. And I was also very sensitive to criticism and would cry whenever she'd yell.
In order to avoid her meltdowns, I started minimizing myself within the house (keep in mind it's just the 2 of us living together). If any interaction with her could cause me to get screamed at for no reason, I felt that the best course of action was to fully avoid all interactions with her in order to survive. This exact habit has imprinted itself onto my subconscious, causing me to behave the same way with all people, not just my mom. I'm afraid of them criticizing and judging me so I avoid interacting with them at all costs.
The only time I felt safe was when I got good grades, because when I did that, mom had no excuse to unleash her anger on me and would actually be very nice to me. This is what caused me to become a people pleaser. My instinct is to value myself based on what I can do for others and how I can satisfy them.
To add fuel to the fire my older cousin would regularly punch the shit out of me, always make fun of me, and fully exploit the people pleaser part of my psyche. He'd make a demand, I'd start bitching and crying about it, then in the end I'd do it anyways.
Mom would also invade my privacy. She would listen in on my phone-calls. She would read through my search history to find out what girl I had a crush on and then would playfully mock me about it as a joke but that also fucked me up and caused me to hide every single detail about myself from her. She doesn't know a single opinion I hold other than my diet because I couldn't keep hiding raw meat in the house. To this day I can't have a proper phone-call, I end all phone-calls within 30s because I just feel violated and as if people are listening in on me.
My mom randomly stopped caring about my grades when I was in the 8th grade but the damage had already been done, my personality had been set in stone, I had been turned into a doormat.
Even today, I have a visceral reaction to seeing my mom. At times she'll walk into my room as I'm laying there and try to talk to me (she's been nice to me for the past few years) but I just can't do it. I start turning my head away from her, brushing off her attempts at conversing and can barely look at her or even face her in such moments, like a turbo autist.
Passive dad + Agressive mom = Most passive possible child
Just to clarify I do like both of my parents and am on friendly terms with them, but they did a really, really awful job. Not to mention how they fucked up my physical development by not breastfeeding me and giving me antibiotics regularly until I was 6.
Did you ever think back to your childhood and start connecting dots as to how they fucked you up?
