Looking back it is plain to see I was never fit for living. I have only got more and more depressed as I have gotten older and more self-aware. I used to care about things but I have learned to not care. I remember how I thought I would do IB in high school. The massive increase in workload in junior year and my terrible choice of classes coupled with my continuing sleep deprivation (14 year old me picked the school I would have to wake up at 5am for and I scarcely fell asleep before 11) and lack of any social support had me fail spectacularly. It was extremely stressful and I told my mother I wanted to drop it one night after getting one hour of sleep. Being overwhelmed and without any support taught me how to give up. The rest of junior year and all of senior year I wasn't in classes with anyone I knew since I dropped IB and didn't have any friends in the first place and I just sat there watching anime and not giving a fuck about anything. Utterly demoralized, I only got more depressed and started having real suicidal fantasies rather than the vague thoughts I barely entertained.
In uni literally the same shit happened with my awful class schedule and even more spectacularly terrible events. I just can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I am at the end of the line. The same demoralizing feeling I felt about school I now feel about life in general and I am nearly ready to give up. It would be so much easier to just give up, to die. This may also be because my entire life and school are so closely connected. If I can't graduate, if I can't do what I want to do (I don't even know what) then there is no point in living, and graduating is an impossibly high goal. Any other option is worse than death (NEETdom, some shitty job I dread every day). And I have too much anxiety about even contacting people about how to re enroll to even get my affairs in order in a timely fashion. I wish I could exist with no obligations, don't they know what they are doing to me? Indari, driven to suicide by chemistry. It is all so bleak and hopeless. Nothing I do turns out well but I am forced to keep trying if I insist on living. God damn being at home is so depression inducing.
In uni literally the same shit happened with my awful class schedule and even more spectacularly terrible events. I just can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I am at the end of the line. The same demoralizing feeling I felt about school I now feel about life in general and I am nearly ready to give up. It would be so much easier to just give up, to die. This may also be because my entire life and school are so closely connected. If I can't graduate, if I can't do what I want to do (I don't even know what) then there is no point in living, and graduating is an impossibly high goal. Any other option is worse than death (NEETdom, some shitty job I dread every day). And I have too much anxiety about even contacting people about how to re enroll to even get my affairs in order in a timely fashion. I wish I could exist with no obligations, don't they know what they are doing to me? Indari, driven to suicide by chemistry. It is all so bleak and hopeless. Nothing I do turns out well but I am forced to keep trying if I insist on living. God damn being at home is so depression inducing.
