Venting My Inner self on psilocybin right now...enjoy

[trognarukk]

Avoidance is Key for a Life full of Misery and Dispair.

I have held this Key in my hands the second i was pushed out involuntary out of my mommys vagener.
My whole Daily-Life is built around Avoidance. The Psychiatrist labeled me with an "Avoidant Personality Disorder". Only jews could think of this term.

I have no sense of self anymore. Experts say, " The Body and Mind are connected, you cant seperate themselves,they work with eachother"
Imagine you get out of your car and you go home, but it feels like your body still sits in your car.
I have no urge of thirst or getting hungry. I have to eat meals at fixxed times or i would die.

I want to have friends but at the same time i dont. Its a never ending tug of war. Only Black or white. Good or wrong." I am only good if everybody loves me. Theres no inbetween.

I suffer from Fear of Closeness. I have to wear a mask and i act how others want me to be seen. I never truly expose myself to anyone. For each interaction with known Person i put on a different mask. But having done this for so long, i dont know where the mask is to put on to be truly myelf. I lost it. Not even my parents really know what i am. I guess this stems out of emotional neglect with my parents. I never endured trauma. I think because of my overprotective mother she wanted me to be protected from all. GOOD and BAD!

I have Alexithymia: I am basically Emotionally Blind. Anger how does it feel like? Dont know how to express it. I am not allowed to show anger or People will leave me again. But i if i never let them close to me to be my friend, There would be now way to be abandoned.
Anger is only expressed as Body Sensations. Since i dont express anger at all,it stays inside and gives me pain and tension all over my Body.

I have developed serious medical conditions, only out of my constant fight/flight mode. My body is on permanent stress i made my nervous system temporarly shut down nerves in my spine. For some days my right leg would be completely numb. Other days my right warm would be numb. I have 24/7 Heart Palpitations. I can feel my Heart pounding so hard.i Can check my pulse only by feeling it throbbing my body.

You remember the times you would walk down the stairs only to miss the last step? Grip on how you would feel in this second and make it years to last.

SORRY BROCELS, IM FUCKING TRIPPING BALLS ON SHROOMS NOW. I FINALLY CAN CONNECT TO MY INNER CHILD.
TLDR: IM A LITTLE PIECE OF AVOIDING SHIT

 

[natures_punchingbag]

I am also an avoidant piece of shit with no real self. Developed chronic pain from years of anxious inner turmoil. Fuck.

 

[trognarukk]

I am also an avoidant piece of shit with no real self. Developed chronic pain from years of anxious inner turmoil. Fuck.

so you could say you abuse your own body as your punching bag?

 

[Lonelyus]

Avoidance is Key for a Life full of Misery and Dispair.

I have held this Key in my hands the second i was pushed out involuntary out of my mommys vagener.
My whole Daily-Life is built around Avoidance. The Psychiatrist labeled me with an "Avoidant Personality Disorder". Only jews could think of this term.

I have no sense of self anymore. Experts say, " The Body and Mind are connected, you cant seperate themselves,they work with eachother"
Imagine you get out of your car and you go home, but it feels like your body still sits in your car.
I have no urge of thirst or getting hungry. I have to eat meals at fixxed times or i would die.

I want to have friends but at the same time i dont. Its a never ending tug of war. Only Black or white. Good or wrong." I am only good if everybody loves me. Theres no inbetween.

I suffer from Fear of Closeness. I have to wear a mask and i act how others want me to be seen. I never truly expose myself to anyone. For each interaction with known Person i put on a different mask. But having done this for so long, i dont know where the mask is to put on to be truly myelf. I lost it. Not even my parents really know what i am. I guess this stems out of emotional neglect with my parents. I never endured trauma. I think because of my overprotective mother she wanted me to be protected from all. GOOD and BAD!

I have Alexithymia: I am basically Emotionally Blind. Anger how does it feel like? Dont know how to express it. I am not allowed to show anger or People will leave me again. But i if i never let them close to me to be my friend, There would be now way to be abandoned.
Anger is only expressed as Body Sensations. Since i dont express anger at all,it stays inside and gives me pain and tension all over my Body.

I have developed serious medical conditions, only out of my constant fight/flight mode. My body is on permanent stress i made my nervous system temporarly shut down nerves in my spine. For some days my right leg would be completely numb. Other days my right warm would be numb. I have 24/7 Heart Palpitations. I can feel my Heart pounding so hard.i Can check my pulse only by feeling it throbbing my body.

You remember the times you would walk down the stairs only to miss the last step? Grip on how you would feel in this second and make it years to last.

SORRY BROCELS, IM FUCKING TRIPPING BALLS ON SHROOMS NOW. I FINALLY CAN CONNECT TO MY INNER CHILD.
TLDR: IM A LITTLE PIECE OF AVOIDING SHIT

I myself have been on many trips, Its quite based bruh

 

[trognarukk]

I myself have been on many trips, Its quite based bruh

I can feel the cells in body through the music im listening right now. I should have not added some Jägermeister to the shrooms.

The Higher the high the lower the Lowest i will get soon

 

[PolskiKartofel]

Mogger

 

[trognarukk]

Mogger

 

[PolskiKartofel]

In slavlands only drug is vodka, cheap and easily accessible

 

[natures_punchingbag]

so you could say you abuse your own body as your punching bag?

Could be. I feel low status and full of guilt all the time. I must have picked the wrong character at the selection screen.
Can't cope with cannabis anymore cuz it reminds me of it all the time but it's time to take some LSD again and hope music sounds good again cuz anhedonia took it away.
When all drugs stop working I'm really fucked.

Edit: hope your comedown is not too rough. Strong stomach for jager+shrooms.

 

[EgyptianNiggerKANG]

I must have picked the wrong character at the selection screen.

 

[EgyptianNiggerKANG]

CONNECT TO MY INNER CHILD.