Until I was about 14 I would get terrorized by my 1st cousin who's 3 years older than me. He would punch me in the arm all the time for no reason leaving it badly bruised. He would make me do basic tasks for him like serving him food and water. He would lend me his laptop so I could play a ranked game of League of Legends, then the second I'd get into the match he'd force me to leave and laugh hysterically. When we were on vacation he spent all of his allowance money on cigarettes and alcohol, so he started spending mine and would get mad and call me a bad cousin if I tried to deny him. On the bus home from that same vacation he punched me causing me to loudly cry on the bus in front of a lot of people from my school. He introduced me to porn when I was 8 or 9 and I was hooked until last year. When I was 9 or 10 he took a rusty WW1 sword our family owned, put the tip of the sword to my chest and pinned me against the wall for fun.
But he knew how to act polite. To all the adults he was the most polite guy in the world. He is very charismatic and would get along well with everyone. I was the sweetest, most people-pleasing kid in the world, and he was a trouble maker. I had good grades, he was flunking out. To this day he is a neet, which is fine. But everyone told me "You have to do good in school, that's how you succeed in life". They made me define my self-worth through academic success. That's all they'd ever tell me. "This person is good, he is so educated. This person is bad, he is so uncultured". And yet they never applied that logic to me. Whenever my cousins behavior was brought up, my grandma would immediately start making excuses. "D. B. Gooner does that too." "D. B. Gooner does that all the time." And most of the time it wasn't true.
So where does that leave us today? I'm on good terms with my cousin, because he has "changed". Well I don't believe in change. I forgive him because I don't see a point of holding a grudge now, he is pretty much the only person around my age who I interact with regularly. But I will never accept that he's changed, people don't change. He can't bully me now, how would it look if a guy in his mid 20s was bullying a 22 year old. He doesn't have the excuse of "immaturity" anymore. He has been consumed by his polite persona, because he has repressed his true self and it only comes out in glimpses when he makes fun of me for random shit.
He has recently had a eureka moment where he claims to have realized that all of his friends are fake. That all they ever did together was waste time, and could never talk about anything "deep", and how I was a person he could have "deep" conversations with. He has decided to spend less time with them, and settle down with his girlfriend of 3 years whom he is going to get married to. He vents about this to me, a guy who hasn't had a single friend since the age of 14, a guy who has never had a love interest, a guy whose only dream in life is to settle down with a girl.
He has found "god" and goes to church every sunday, and fasts 2 days a week because "It's healthy and good for the soul". He has changed, he has erased his bully past. What about me? I will never change. I have been the most high-inhib unconfident pessimistic miserable person since I entered high school as a result of him putting me down. That will never change. I will never be a fun person to be around. I will never be able to fully express myself. I will never form a single bond in my entire life.
And this guy has started moralfagging me over the way I talk to my mother. My mother got cheated on by my dad when I was 4, she has been a repulsive slob ever since. It's a question of the egg or the chicken. Was my mom an awful person to be around before dad cheated causing him to cheat, or did his cheating turn her into an awful person? She is inside all day, every day. She is mean to me at times, she is usually mean to her parents (my grandparents), she is always mean to retail workers. She has nothing in life, so she has chosen to forge her identity through ideology, politics, nationalism. After shitting on serbs for her entire life and harboring a deep inferiority complex, always glazing "civilized europeans", she is now a serbian ultranationalist and hates europe. She tries to convince herself that her stupid ideology has any value to life, by constantly pushing it onto everyone else. She will try to force me to watch a podcast about serbian history, then I'll tell her history is dismissable and thus irrelevant.
She will then wait for my cousin to come over for a meal, and start pushing her ideology onto him. His polite persona is very submissive, so he just nods and agrees with everything he says, and says things like "Wow this topic is very interesting" in the most fake way you could possible imagine. And then I push back on my mom and tell her that she is coping because she is unsatisfied with her own life. This guy starts telling me that I am sinning and that I shouldn't talk to my mother that way. He told me I am very negative. I press him, what did I say that was wrong? What part of what I said was "sinful"? Nothing. He has nothing. He was consumed by his fake polite persona and he tried to make it consume me too. He wanted me to be a fake, plastic piece of shit who allows his own mother to self-destruct in order to appear "nice".
I hate fake people. I hate people who think they're good. I hate moralfags.
But he knew how to act polite. To all the adults he was the most polite guy in the world. He is very charismatic and would get along well with everyone. I was the sweetest, most people-pleasing kid in the world, and he was a trouble maker. I had good grades, he was flunking out. To this day he is a neet, which is fine. But everyone told me "You have to do good in school, that's how you succeed in life". They made me define my self-worth through academic success. That's all they'd ever tell me. "This person is good, he is so educated. This person is bad, he is so uncultured". And yet they never applied that logic to me. Whenever my cousins behavior was brought up, my grandma would immediately start making excuses. "D. B. Gooner does that too." "D. B. Gooner does that all the time." And most of the time it wasn't true.
So where does that leave us today? I'm on good terms with my cousin, because he has "changed". Well I don't believe in change. I forgive him because I don't see a point of holding a grudge now, he is pretty much the only person around my age who I interact with regularly. But I will never accept that he's changed, people don't change. He can't bully me now, how would it look if a guy in his mid 20s was bullying a 22 year old. He doesn't have the excuse of "immaturity" anymore. He has been consumed by his polite persona, because he has repressed his true self and it only comes out in glimpses when he makes fun of me for random shit.
He has recently had a eureka moment where he claims to have realized that all of his friends are fake. That all they ever did together was waste time, and could never talk about anything "deep", and how I was a person he could have "deep" conversations with. He has decided to spend less time with them, and settle down with his girlfriend of 3 years whom he is going to get married to. He vents about this to me, a guy who hasn't had a single friend since the age of 14, a guy who has never had a love interest, a guy whose only dream in life is to settle down with a girl.
He has found "god" and goes to church every sunday, and fasts 2 days a week because "It's healthy and good for the soul". He has changed, he has erased his bully past. What about me? I will never change. I have been the most high-inhib unconfident pessimistic miserable person since I entered high school as a result of him putting me down. That will never change. I will never be a fun person to be around. I will never be able to fully express myself. I will never form a single bond in my entire life.
And this guy has started moralfagging me over the way I talk to my mother. My mother got cheated on by my dad when I was 4, she has been a repulsive slob ever since. It's a question of the egg or the chicken. Was my mom an awful person to be around before dad cheated causing him to cheat, or did his cheating turn her into an awful person? She is inside all day, every day. She is mean to me at times, she is usually mean to her parents (my grandparents), she is always mean to retail workers. She has nothing in life, so she has chosen to forge her identity through ideology, politics, nationalism. After shitting on serbs for her entire life and harboring a deep inferiority complex, always glazing "civilized europeans", she is now a serbian ultranationalist and hates europe. She tries to convince herself that her stupid ideology has any value to life, by constantly pushing it onto everyone else. She will try to force me to watch a podcast about serbian history, then I'll tell her history is dismissable and thus irrelevant.
She will then wait for my cousin to come over for a meal, and start pushing her ideology onto him. His polite persona is very submissive, so he just nods and agrees with everything he says, and says things like "Wow this topic is very interesting" in the most fake way you could possible imagine. And then I push back on my mom and tell her that she is coping because she is unsatisfied with her own life. This guy starts telling me that I am sinning and that I shouldn't talk to my mother that way. He told me I am very negative. I press him, what did I say that was wrong? What part of what I said was "sinful"? Nothing. He has nothing. He was consumed by his fake polite persona and he tried to make it consume me too. He wanted me to be a fake, plastic piece of shit who allows his own mother to self-destruct in order to appear "nice".
I hate fake people. I hate people who think they're good. I hate moralfags.
