There isn’t a single day where I wake up and know who I’ll be by nightfall. I swing between hyper functional clarity and an emotional collapse so deep I can’t recognize myself, I don't know what my default state of being is. The morning might hold logic and ambition. By evening, it’s existential rot.
People don’t understand that depression isn’t always static. It moves, waits and then ambushes. A trigger for my depression is talking about women, those fucked up disloyal whores and dating, maybe I should avoid it. And the worst part isn’t just the sadness, it’s the unpredictability. The lack of internal coherence. I don’t trust my own emotional reality for more than a few hours at a time.
There are nights I genuinely don’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes I play out what it would look like if I just disappeared.
I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if one day something inside me just snapped, even though I don't have the guts yet to take my own life, but I fantasize about it daily.
I just need an exit strategy from this mental loop and the bleak empty future lying ahead of me. Some people live with rhythm. I live with noise and no rhythm whatsoever.
The only exit strategy I can think of is buying something off Telegram and ending my life. Maybe pills or whatever, but I wish I had a gun so I could do it quickly while being heavily sedated.
People don’t understand that depression isn’t always static. It moves, waits and then ambushes. A trigger for my depression is talking about women, those fucked up disloyal whores and dating, maybe I should avoid it. And the worst part isn’t just the sadness, it’s the unpredictability. The lack of internal coherence. I don’t trust my own emotional reality for more than a few hours at a time.
There are nights I genuinely don’t want to be here anymore. Sometimes I play out what it would look like if I just disappeared.
I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if one day something inside me just snapped, even though I don't have the guts yet to take my own life, but I fantasize about it daily.
I just need an exit strategy from this mental loop and the bleak empty future lying ahead of me. Some people live with rhythm. I live with noise and no rhythm whatsoever.
The only exit strategy I can think of is buying something off Telegram and ending my life. Maybe pills or whatever, but I wish I had a gun so I could do it quickly while being heavily sedated.
